HELP WANTED: CANDY INTERN

The Mars candy company has posted a job opening seeking applicants for the “World’s Sweetest Internship” in Chicago. The company is seeking a “confectionery connoisseur” whose duties would include sampling the company’s chocolate, gum and confections, and producing a personalized batch of chewing gum. The position comes with a signing bonus: a year’s worth of candy. The ideal candidate, says the posting, should be able to “distinguish all five fruity flavors from the Skittles rainbow in a blind taste-test,” and also be able to “blow bubbles with chewing gum that are greater than 5 inches in diameter.”
* Does the position comes with a dental plan?
* Why did my high school guidance counselor not tell me that a possible career path was “professional candy eater”?
* Does it bother anybody that a giant company that makes candy needs to have a stranger come in and taste it for them?
* “Does this chocolate taste funny to you? We just can’t tell anymore.”
* When your internship is over, you’ll have a unique entry for your resume, and Type 2 Diabetes.
* Actually, the world’s sweetest internship would be sampling cotton candy. 100% sugar, and a drop of food coloring.
* I’m holding out for professional Beer Drinker. I already hold semi-pro ranking in that.