HELP WANTED: CANDY COMPANY SEEKS TASTER

Here’s another of those “give me free publicity” stories posing as a job offer. Canadian online candy seller Candy Funhouse is looking to hire a tester-taster – a Chief Candy Officer. The job includes “approving all candy in its inventory, deciding which new products Candy Funhouse will be carrying, leading candy board meetings, being the head candy taste tester, and taking charge of all things fun,” according to the job description. The salary: $100,000 annually. The position is open to anyone in North America aged five and up. The deadline to submit your application is August 31, 2022.
* That’s nutty. Or, in the candy world, nougatty.
* You’ll be working alongside Mike & Ike, Mr. Goodbar, and, uh… Oh – Henry!
* Stupid people needn’t apply. Only Smarties. No Airheads, Dum Dums, Nerds or Goobers – Bar None.
* It’s a pretty good job, up until about 4 o’clock in the afternoon when the sight of one more piece of candy will make you projectile vomit.
* Wait – is that really $100,000 salary, or just one of those 100 Grand candy bars?