RACCOON RANSACKS LIQUOR STORE, PASSES OUT
“The raccoon is noted for its intelligence.” – WIkipedia
OCEAN SPRAY CRANBERRY SAUCE CANS FULL OF WATER
Thanksgiving dinner ruined. RUINED!!
AUDIO: AMERICAN TRAGEDY, PEOPLE CUTTING BACK ON PIZZA
Americans are taking it in the anchovies.
NEW YORK CITY TO GET THREE CASINOS
You betcha.
TWIN BROTHER WANTS TO REPLACE RETIRING CONGRESSMAN
Double trouble.
FIREMEN FIRED FOR HAZING
Alarming.
RARE WINES STOLEN
Wine not.
WEST VIRGINIA RAT SHOOT GETS OUT OF HAND
As they always do.
141-YEAR-OLD TORTOISE DIES AT SAN DIEGO ZOO
Shell shocked.
BOY SCOUTS NOW NOT MANLY ENOUGH FOR THE SECRETARY OF WAR
We’re about to attack Venezuela, and he’s picking on the Boy Scouts.