ULTRAMARATHON RUNNER CHEATED, USED A CAR
Cheaters never prosper.
COKE BEAR
Wait for the movie.
DOG CHEWS OFF MAN’S TOE; MAN THANKFUL
This will make your toes curl.
HANDLER HEIMLICHS CHOKING PANDA
[Not Chelsea Handler]
DRUNK MAN FALLS 19 STORIES, WALKS AWAY
Falling in and out of love with you.
MAN FAKE-KIDNAPS GIRLFRIEND TO PROPOSE
Bet she ran some.
SPANIARD SPENT 500 DAYS IN A CAVE, ALONE
Just her, her thoughts, and BatBoy.
AUSTRALIA INSTITUTING CAT CURFEW
Do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do Cat Baaaaaan!
JAPANESE WAITRESS MIXED BLOOD INTO COCKTAILS, ON REQUEST
Just a Bloody Mary, please.
MUSHROOM TRIPPERS RESCUED FROM MOUNTAIN
Next time, stick to beans and toast, lads.