CHEESE SETS RECORD
Edam and weep.
SUICIDE MACHINE ASKS THREE QUESTIONS
Answer me these questions three, ere the other side you’ll see.
CHINESE MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING TWICE IN FIVE MINUTES
Bolts from the blue.
CHINA RECALLS ITS PANDAS
Wanted for pandering.
MAN BITES SNAKE
Woke up from a nap.
AUSTRALIAN WOMAN, 110, STILL GOES TO THE GYM THREE TIMES A WEEK
She’ll kick your ass.
MAN MAROONED ON DESERT ISLAND (FOR THREE DAYS)
No phone, no lights, not motorcar. Not a single luxury.
ARSON SUSPECT HAD BABY DUCKS IN HIS PANTS
Because he was a quackpot.