GUY STEALS $200,000, ALL IN QUARTERS

A former Alabama armored transportation company worker has pleaded guilty to stealing nearly $200,000, all in quarters. 49-year-old Stephen Dennis of Harpersville has to repay $196,000 to Brink’s Co., the armored transportation company he worked for at the time of the heist. Prosecutors said Dennis was a money-processing manager at a Brink’s facility in Birmingham, where coins were stored for the Atlanta Federal Reserve Bank. They said the man took 784,000 quarters in early 2014 by using beads to fill bags that were supposed to contain $50,000 each in quarters.
* Let me guess – they caught him at the arcade?
* He was using the money to pay for his hernia operation.
* One clue was his pants pockets were sagging down to his ankles.
* And he clanked a lot.
* Authorities now hope he will change.
* On top of everything else, his defense lawyer really nickle-and-dimed him.
* Just to be a wiseguy, he’s going to repay the money in pennies.
* Maybe we should teach math using crimes like this: If a man steals 200 grand in quarters, how many quarters did he steal?
* Then for extra credit: If the man gets ten years with one month off for every year of good behavior, how long will he be in prison?
* Wrong answer! It was a trick question. The man got in a riot in prison and his sentence was doubled.
* Well, they hired him to be a money-processing manager and by God, that’s what he did.
* The coins might have started in the Atlanta Federal Reserve Bank, but they ended up in the Bank of Steve.