US NAVY TO ALLOW FATTER SAILORS

The US navy is going to give overweight sailors who fail the Navy’s body fat test a second chance under a new, less stringent, exam. The Navy is having trouble finding and keeping enough sailors who are ship-shape. They said that the 2,400 people who failed the test under the old rules will be allowed one more chance to be tested this spring, under the new limits. The navy’s old policy allowed for 22 per cent body fat for males ages 17-39, while the new rules allow 26 per cent. Women in the same age range were previously accepted only with 33 per cent body fat, but that has been increased to 36 per cent.
* Or, as the politically correct phrase goes, “more curvy.”
* “Rear Admiral” will now be “Lardbutt Admiral”.
* It’s all extra buoyancy, right? And that’s a good thing for boats.
* The problem came to light when sailors kept getting stuck in the submarine hatches.
* Just make sure all the sailors don’t go to one side of the deck. It could flip the ship.
* Wait – the Navy has jets, too. This can’t be good.
* For every extra pound, don’t you need, like, ten more feet of landing strip?
* “We’re going to need a bigger aircraft carrier.”
* Doesn’t 36% body fat sound a little high to you?
* 36% would be like if you were made entirely of fat from your thighs down.
* See, it’s the foods we just eat for fun like bacon. Have you ever heard a doctor say, “I’ve checked your numbers and I’m concerned. You’ve got to eat more bacon.”
* “Yes, start eating more bacon. You’re just not getting enough grease in your diet.”
* The same thing for cheese. Sure, you can get some nutrition from cheese but if you never ate it for your entire life, you’d probably be better off.
* That new invention where you eat and then drain food from your stomach came just in time. (See story in “The Buzz” section.)