NEXT YEAR’S TRENDY HEALTH FOODS

(Note: This is from an article in the London Daily Mail.) Leading nutritionists (* leading!) have revealed the top foods to help you lose weight in 2017:
– Jackfruit. Sometimes called “pulled pork for vegetarians”, it’s a popular substitute for meat. Studies have shown that jackfruit has anti-inflammatory properties, which can be an important aspect of preventing obesity. The seeds are particularly good for you. A strong source of Vitamin C and antioxidants, they can help to prevent cell damage, which is great news for your immune system. Additionally, the seeds are thought to be beneficial for your blood circulation. This can be vital for hair growth, among other things.
* Lordy! It does everything but cut your toenails and cure acne.
* Who knew one fruit could prey on so many female insecurities.
* Up until now I didn’t know jack about jackfruit.
* It sounds like some kind of slur. “Wow, my boss is being a real jackfruit!”
* “A popular substitute for meat”? If you say so.
* Jackfruit is a popular substitute for meat among people who sell jackfruit.
* It’s “pulled pork for vegetarians”? I’ve got some pork they can pull right here.

– Cactus water is set to be huge next year; it has health benefits that include helping fight high cholesterol levels and curing hangovers. Being high in fiber and low in calories means it can also help you stay fuller for longer – making it an excellent weight loss aid.
* Squeezing water out of a cactus. Sounds painful.
* “Wait, you idiot! You’re supposed to wear work gloves!”
* I’m not sure I want my water to be an excellent source of fiber. Look at Flint, Michigan.
* Cactus water? Sounds like a trick by the Wily Coyote.

– Birch sap water, said to have high levels of antioxidants, natural minerals and xylitol (a natural sugar).
* Birch sap. Birch sap. I could never drink anything I have that much trouble saying.
* Natural minerals? Aren’t all minerals natural?
* I remember when birch sap water was called syrup.
* Sap water. You are what you eat.
* Yeah, who’s the sap who thought this up?

– Seaweed. Naturally low in calories, seaweed can add an extra dimension to a wide range of dishes. In terms of nutritional benefits, seaweed is said to be a rich source of iron and calcium. An 8-gram portion of dried seaweed provides a similar amount of fiber as a banana. There is also a natural fiber in sea kelp called alginate, which inhibits the enzymes that digest fat so that less is absorbed by the body.
* Hmm … dried seaweed or a banana … dried seaweed or a banana? That’s a tough one.
* “Seaweed can add an extra dimension to a wide range of dishes.” That extra dimension is “bitter chewiness”.
* I can see the slogan now: Seaweed – it’ll actually make you miss kale.”
* Of course you’ll have to fight the seal otters for it.

– Hawaiian poke bowls. Be prepared for Poke Bowls to dominate your Instagram feed in 2017. These low-calorie, raw fish salads are ready to take the foodie scene by storm, as they have currently hit the ultra-trendy restaurants of Los Angeles. Combining raw fish with fresh greens, these convenient, super-nutritious meals could revolutionize your lunchtime routine. The health benefits of raw fish are well documented. Tuna is full of ‘good fats’, which help to prevent blood clotting and boost cognitive functionality.
* It improves cognitive function to the point where you suddenly realize you’re eating raw fish.
* Tuna is full of ‘good fats’, and 500% of the daily recommended requirement of mercury.
* “Hawaiian poke bowl” also sounds like an insult. “Wow, my boss is being a real Hawaiian poke bowl!”
* It’ll revolutionize your lunchtime routine – and the consistency of your stools.
* No thanks. My New Year’s Resolutions are tenuous enough without putting them through this.