WEDNESDAY, Aug 2 – DAILY PREP TEXT VERSION

MORNING SIDEKICK DAILY PREP TEXT VERSION FOR WEDNESDAY, August 2, 2023
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COMEDY MP3s POSTED ON OUR PREP SITE FOR TODAY: A & M AUTOLAND – Now Hiring; THE ONLY MORNING SHOW IN TOWN

TODAY IS …
(All days repeat annually on today’s date unless otherwise noted; days may or may not be called “National”/”International”/”World” depending on source; sources listed often have additional info. We generally do not list special days which were created by commercial companies for the purpose of marketing, or the hundreds of disease awareness listings which occur each year.)

NATIONAL COLORING BOOK DAY

NATIONAL ICE CREAM SANDWICH DAY

August is:

Black Business Month
Family Fun Month
International Peace Month
National Back to School Month
National Catfish Month
National Crayon Collection Month
National Goat Cheese Month
National Golf Month
National Panini Month
National Peach Month
National Sandwich Month

ENTERTAINMENT & CELEBRITIES

TAYLOR SWIFT GIVES HER TOUR TRUCKERS $100,000 BONUSES

Taylor Swift is giving the truckers who are hauling her massive touring stage around the country a $100,000 bonus. According to an insider, there are nearly 50 truckers involved in moving equipment for the tour, meaning that Swift, 33, is paying out nearly $5 million. The tour, which will end its US leg this month before heading overseas, is expected to rake in almost $5 billion.
* So … do they want me to think she’s generous, or cheap?
* That’s your well-spent souvenir t-shirt money, fans.
* The truckers are going, “Alright – truck stop shower tonight!”
* $100,000 just about covers the cost of a tank of gas these days.
* Now the guys who run her sound board are getting an attitude.
* If we do really good in the ratings this month, they might give me a coffee cup with the station logo.

THE BUZZ

STUDY: WESTERN-STYLE DIET MAKES YOU STUPID

A study from Macquarie University in Australia says a “Western-style” diet makes you stupid. Even if you’re slim and healthy, eating a high-fat, high-sugar diet for just a week was found to impact brain function and make it harder for people to control their appetites. Past research had shown that a “Western-style” diet – generally defined as a diet high in fat, sugar and processed foods – impaired brain function in animals. Researchers suspected the same would happen in humans, so they recruited 110 lean and healthy adults ages 20 to 23, all of whom were self-described healthy eaters. (* Liars.) Half of the group ate their normal diets for a week. The other half ate a “Western-style” diet heavy on waffles and fast food. Those on the “Western-style” diet performed worse on memory tests than the healthy-eating group and also had “measurable weakening of appetitive control.”
* What’s more, those on the “Western-style” diet performed worse on memory tests, pass the donuts.
* I’m sorry, but you’d have to be an idiot to ever pass up free waffles.
* It’s about time we had a definitive study on how bad fast food is for you.
* A “Western-style” dumbing-down diet. You know, the kind eaten by the inventors of computers, interplanetary spacecraft, nuclear energy, vaccines, the internet, MRI scans, cellphones …
* Hold on, I’m trying to do a search of Australian inventions … just a minute … there must be something …

U.S. NEWS

OLD LADY OFFERS INTRUDER SOME SNACKS

In Brunswick, Maine, an 87-year-old woman woke up to a knife-wielding teenager in her bedroom with no pants or shoes threatening to stab her. Marjorie Perkins, who lives alone, said the teen began striking her. She picked up a chair to block the teen’s attacks and repeatedly kicked him away. He eventually went into the kitchen in search of food. Perkins followed the teen into the kitchen and told him he needed to leave, but he said he was hungry and wanted some food. As she dialed 911 on her rotary phone, she offered the teen a box of peanut butter and honey crackers, as well as two Ensures and two tangerines. By the time police arrived, the teen had already fled the home. He was soon located a few blocks away and arrested. Perkins said the teen looked familiar: She thinks he mowed her lawn about 10 years ago. “He did a darn good job,” she recalled. “I hope he gets help.”
* I hope he gets pants.
* Pantsless is not how you want to show up at the jail.
* He’s moved on to a different kind of grass.
* “Crackers? CRACKERS??? C’mon, old lady, I want the Werther’s candies! I know you’ve got ’em!!!”
* When a story starts “an 85-year-old woman woke up,” she’s already ahead.
* I hope the community comes together and helps this woman stock up on some decent food. She’s apparently subsisting on crackers and Ensure.

WOMAN LOSES NUISANCE LAWSUIT AGAIN KRAFT MAC & CHEESE

A U.S. District Judge in Miami, Florida dismissed a woman’s proposed $5 million class action lawsuit against Kraft Heinz Co. in which she alleged it falsely advertised that its Velveeta Shells & Cheese cups are “ready in 3 1/2 minutes.” Amanda Ramirez tried to sue because it actually took longer than the “3 1/2 minutes” printed on the packaging to make the meal. Ramirez sued because the “3 1/2 minutes” didn’t include opening the box, removing the cup lid, opening the Cheese Sauce Pouch, adding water, stirring in the contents of the cheese sauce pouch, and letting the cup sit while the sauce thickens. The suit sought at least $5 million in damages. District Judge Beth Bloom tossed the case.
* Tossed it like a pack of powdered Velveeta into a cup of hot macaroni.
* And she tossed the case in less than 3 1/2 minutes.
* What urgent business did she have that the delay was worth $5 million? Watching “Real Housewives”?
* Let’s hope that lady never buys Minute Rice.
* Y’know, come to think of it, I remember that movie “Gone in 60 Seconds” being way longer than one minute.
* Here’s a lawsuit waiting to happen: I keep getting a catalogue in the mail called “Catalogue Favorites.” If that junk was really a favorite, wouldn’t it already be sold out?

BEER MADE FROM RECYCLED SINK WATER

A California company makes beer using a San Francisco residential building’s wastewater. Epic Cleantec, a San Francisco-based water treatment company, teamed with Devil’s Canyon Brewing Co. to create Epic OneWater Brew, an ale made using recycled water from the showers, sinks and washing machines in Fifteen Fifty, a 40-story luxury apartment building. Aaron Tartakovsky, co-founder of Epic Cleantec, says, “Almost no buildings reuse that water — that’s what we’re trying to change.” The beer is not currently for sale due to regulations banning recycled wastewater from being used in commercial beverages (* can you imagine there’s a regulation against such things?), but it proved to be a big hit at a conference on sustainable building technologies. Mr. Tartakovsky said they produced just over 7,000 cans, not as a commercial product, but as an educational effort. But, he adds, “We did not anticipate the tremendous response that we saw.”
* What, 7,000 people fleeing to the exits?
* Think of everything that goes down your sink. Now your shower. Now, imagine raising a bottle of that to your lips on a hot day.
* The only thing worse than this beer is the burps it gives you.
* Regular people drinking beer made from the wastewater of the rich. That’s a pretty good snapshot of capitalism.
* It’s everything you ever wanted in a beer, and a few things you did not see coming.
* Every day you hear about how San Fransisco’s going to hell. This isn’t helping.

AMUSEMENT PARK BUILDING A GRAVY-THEMED ROLLER COASTER

The Holiday World amusement park, located in Santa Claus, Indiana (a real place), is building a new Thanksgiving-themed roller coaster dedicated to gravy. The new family coaster, Good Gravy! will be housed in the park’s Thanksgiving section. There’s a “story” behind the ride: you have to race against time to help Grandma make her famous gravy and save Thanksgiving dinner. According to the press release: Guests will board cars shaped like a gravy boats, which will be pulled backwards uphill before flying forwards on a cranberry-colored track, hitting a maximum speed of 37 miles per hour. The train will fly through a giant cranberry jelly can before dodging giant kitchen tools, such as a 20-foot-tall whisk and an 18-foot-tall rolling pin before flying up a 77-foot-tall hill and repeating the journey backwards. The coaster will debut at Holiday World in May 2024.
* Now THAT’S a gravy train I want to ride.
* I hope it’s a smooth ride, and not lumpy.
* I get the whisk but who uses a rolling pin to make gravy?
* Does Holiday World have a Yule Log Flume and an Easter Egg Scrambler ride?
* Sorry. This ride sounds like a real turkey.

LIGHT BULB BAN IN EFFECT

America now has a ban on incandescent light bulbs. The ban came about in 2007, banning the sale of common incandescent light bulbs 26 years later. The rule went fully into effect Tuesday, August 1. The ban is only on the manufacture and sale of light bulbs that produce fewer than 45 lumens per watt. The ban is an energy-saving measure: traditional incandescent bulbs provide just 15 lumens per watt. By contrast, most LED bulbs will get you 75 lumens per watt, or more. The Department of Energy estimates the rules will save US consumers close to $3 billion on their utility bills.
* But for the average Joe, about 20 cents a year.
* Criminy, I’m supposed to learn lumens now? I haven’t even figured out megabytes or streaming.
* Thomas Edison is now on America’s Enemies list.
* Okay folks, what should we use our extra $3 billion on? I’m thinking lottery tickets is a no-brainer.
* First, they banned coal-powered cars. Today, incandescent light bulbs. What’ll it be tomorrow? Wood-burning cruise ships?

INTERNATIONAL NEWS

CHINESE MAN GETS LIGHT BULB STUCK IN MOUTH

A Chinese man turned up at the emergency room of a Zhejiang hospital with the screw-end of an incandescent light bulb sticking out of his mouth. The man, referred to only as Mr. Chen, could not open his mouth wide enough to safely remove the light bulb. Doctors used a special mouth opener to dislocate his jaw on one side and remove the glass bulb. When he could speak, Mr. Chen said that he watched someone do it in an online video and wanted to see if he could do it too.
* Of course,the person in the video didn’t post how to REMOVE the light bulb. Stupid online video posters.
* Maybe he just wanted a light lunch. A LIGHT LUNCH!!! HA!!!!!
* Chen must be the Chinese word for “Uncle Fester.”
* Where do you supposed he sticks fluorescent bulbs?
* Well, that gave him something to do with his life on THAT boring day. What’s on tap for tomorrow?
* That special mouth opener that dislocates your jaw so you can open it wider? That’s Joey Chestnut’s Hot Dog Eating Contest Secret Weapon.
* When I watch online videos to see if I can do stuff, it’s usually something like “How to Tile a Bathroom.” Am I weird?

ALMANACNOTABLE DATES, UPCOMING U.S. OBSERVANCES

Sept. 4, Monday – Labor Day
Sept. 11, Monday – Patriot Day
Sept. 15, Friday – National POW/MIA Recognition Day (The third Friday of September)
Sept. 23, Saturday – Fall begins (Autumn Equinox is 2:50 a.m. EDT)
Oct. 9, Monday – Columbus Day
Oct. 16, Monday – National Boss’s Day
Oct. 31, Tuesday – Halloween

BIRTHDAYS

Sam Worthington (actor, “Avatar”) … 47
Kevin Smith (actor/director) … 53
Victoria Jackson (actress, “Saturday Night Live” alumnus) … 64
Butch Patrick (actor, “The Munsters”) … 70

BIRTHDAY QUOTE QUIZ – Ask your listeners “Who said it?” HINT: Today’s their birthday!

“People like to set the bar high. I like to put the bar on the ground and barely step over it. I like to keep the expectations really low.”

(A) Adam Sandler
(B) Nicolas Cage
(C) Kevin Smith

ANSWER: (C) Kevin Smith

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

2007 – Mattel recalled nearly a million Chinese-made toys from its Fisher-Price division that were found to have excessive amounts of lead.
* It wasn’t a total loss – the toys were melted down and made into pencils.

1990 – Iraq invaded Kuwait, a move that would ultimately lead to the (first) Gulf War.
* Which we won, insuring low gas prices for everyone!

1939 – Albert Einstein wrote a letter to the US Government, warning about the dangers of the atomic bomb. The FBI promptly started a dossier on him, describing him as “an extreme radical.”
* But then, they did that to ANYBODY who had long hair.

1938 – A yellow baseball was tested for the first time in the Major Leagues.
* Eeeuuuwww! And you thought a spit ball was gross.

1909 – The first Lincoln head pennies were minted.
* Honest.

1819 – A parachute jump was performed for the first time in the U.S.
* After which the participant visited the first dry-cleaners.

1776 – The formal signing of the Declaration of Independence took place.
* The hard part was holding that pose for the painting.

THIS DAY IN MUSIC HISTORY

2019 – Ed Sheeran broke U2’s tour record when his Divide tour became the biggest, most attended and highest grossing tour of all time. By the time the tour ended he would have spent 893 days on the road, compared to the 760 days U2 toured.

2001 – New Orleans International Airport was re-named Louis Armstrong Airport in honor of the New Orleans-born trumpet player, singer and bandleader.

1998 – Beastie Boys started a three-week run at No.1 on the U.S. album chart with “Hello Nasty,” the band’s third U.S. No.1 album.

1991 – Rick James (“Super Freak”) and his girlfriend Tanya Hijazi were arrested in Hollywood and charged with assault with a deadly weapon, aggravated mayhem, torture, false imprisonment and forcible oral copulation. James was released on $1 million bail.

1975 – The Eagles went to No.1 on the U.S. singles chart with “One Of These Nights,” the group’s second U.S. No.1 single.

1973 – The Mamas and the Papas filed a lawsuit against their record label Dunhill for over a million dollars in unpaid royalties.

1969 – Bob Dylan made a surprise appearance at his 10th High School reunion.

X-TREME TRIVIA CHALLENGE

Every installment of X-Treme Trivia Challenge includes three mystery factoids. Create your own “Impossible Question” contest – great for listener giveaways and phone interaction starters! Also a perfect sponsorship opportunity!

1. The average cost of one of THESE was recently estimated at $1,357. What is it?
A wedding dress

2. If you’re involved in one of THESE, it will likely cost you $12,000 a year. What it is?
An affair

3. In the U.S., the average cost of one of these is between $7,000 and $10,000. What is it?
A funeral

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