Why wouldn’t the nearsighted vampire buy glasses?

One day she came home to find her son-in-law packing a suitcase. He says, “I’m leaving, it’s the end of our marriage. I texted my wife to say I’d be home early, and when I got here I found her in bed with another man.” The mother-in-law said, “No, my daughter would never do that, there must be a simple explanation, I’ll go and talk to her.” After a while, the mother-in-law comes back and says, “There, I told you there was a simple explanation. She never got your text.”

Bartender says, “You look beat.” Guy says, “I just walked five mile, climbed two trees, waded across a creek, almost stepped on a rattlesnake and outran a bear.” Bartender says, “You must be quite the outdoorsman.” Guy says, “No, I’m just a lousy golfer.”

He says, “Boss, that ethics training has me feeling bad about us doing product testing on animals. His boss says, “Look, animal testing is an accepted practice, many shampoo and cosmetics manufacturers test their products on animals.” Guy says, “Yeah, but we make hammers.”

He died in the line of dooty.

He says, “Father, I just committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes. I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily made love to his wife, and then ate all of his groceries. And I didn’t share anything.” Priest says, “You forgot pride.” Guy says, “No, I’m pretty proud of myself for this.”