UNIVERSITY BANS CLAPPING

The student union at at the University of Manchester has banned clapping, whooping and cheering in favor of “jazz hands”. The kids voted to replace applause with the British Sign Language equivalent – a wave of both hands. Union officer Sara Khan said traditional clapping can cause issues for students with autism, sensory issues or deafness. So-called “jazz hands”, she said, encourages an “environment of respect”. Under the new measures, jazz hands will be used at student events such as debates, panels and talks.
* Banned what? Oh, I thought your said the university has banned The Clap. That’s different.
* “Hold your applause. And I mean it!”
* Won’t “jazz hands” cause issues for students who hate jazz?
* And what about all the wind that will be stirred up by jazz hands? Aren’t they worried some poor student will catch a chill?
* So we have sensitivity to peanuts, dairy, gluten, perfume … now noise … and coming soon: sensitivity to lights, colors, vibrations, footsteps, magnetism, singing, talking, and the sound of other people breathing.
* Students are encouraged to come to school in a cardboard box and stay inside it all day.
* “What did you get expelled for?” “Polite golf applause.”