THE PIZZA ATM

Although pizza vending machines have existed in Europe since 2012, America now has its first one. A “pizza ATM” was recently installed in the Fenwick Place residence hall at Xavier University in Cincinnati, Ohio. The device has a refrigerated compartment containing ready-to-bake “artisan” pizzas, and a convection oven into which the pizzas are dropped after you pay. The pizza emerges hot and crispy in three minutes. When the machine begins to run low, food-service employees will be notified on their phones and prompted to refill the machine. Xavier University Assistant Vice President Jude Kiah says, “This machine delivers a pizza which is really second to no other pizza I’ve had,” adding, “It’s serving the exact same quality pizza that’s in the dining facility.”
* … which is a damn shame.
* America’s first “pizza ATM” is at Xavier University in Cincinnati, Ohio? Suck it, Ivy League!
* The school’s assistant vice president actually said the pizza is second to no other pizza he’s had? He’s got to get out more.
* Maybe what he means is the vending machine pizza isn’t second to others, it’s way down at about 2,000 places behind other pizzas.
* I suppose it could be delicious – if you’re stoned enough. So thinking back to my college days, I think they’ll do just fine.
* Oh, they’re artisan pizzas? Well, that changes everything.
* “Artisan” is a food marketing term which means “costs 20% more.”
* So the fact that they’re frozen and sitting in a vending machine for who knows how long shouldn’t affect a thing.
* Europe’s had these since 2012? What!!? As a citizen of the fattest country on earth, I find that quite embarrassing.