PENNSYLVANIA STATE POLICE ISSUES CLOWN THREAT BULLETIN

The Pennsylvania State Police have felt it necessary to issue an advisory regarding the recent spate of clown sightings in the state. Here is the bulletin, in part: “A number of clown related social media posts were displayed this past weekend regarding threats towards school districts in Pennsylvania and throughout the country. Some threats stated that a clown would arrive at the school and ‘shoot all students and teachers,’ while another threat stated they ‘weren’t clowning around.’ These sightings have not been validated and there are no known threats to schools in Pennsylvania. Residents are encouraged to remain vigilant and report any suspicious activity to their closest police department.” Many of these reported clown sightings have little to no evidence establishing their legitimacy, but it is fueling a clown panic throughout the country. And this isn’t the first time. In the 1980s, clown sightings were reported in Boston, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, and Arlington Heights, among many other areas. Upon further investigation, police noticed that most, if not all the clown sightings, were witnessed only by children between the ages of five and seven.
* The Pennsylvania State Police must be angry that it had to write this, because it took valuable time away from catching speeders.
* First they say there are no known threats, then they encourage everyone to remain vigilant. So … should we be freaking out or not?
* There’s only one way to know whether to take this clown stuff seriously: Has it been made into an episode of “Law & Order” yet?
* It turns out that mass clown sighting by kids in several big cities in the 1980s was just the Ringling Bros. circus.
* A threat that says “We’re not clowning around”. Obviously, that’s a hoax. Clowns by definition always clown around. Always.
* If you do see a clown, remember: a little seltzer down the pants usual stops them.
* By the way, I’m putting all my money in a costume company that makes clown costumes for Halloween. I’m gonna be rich.
* Yeah, good point. How exactly are we supposed to handle Halloween this year?
* This could drive Ronald McDonald to heroin.
* Ahh, screw it. Let’s see if we make it to Halloween first.
* Then we get the real horror show: The elections.