NEWSPAPER VENDOR ACCIDENTALLY LOCKS SELF IN NEWSSTAND FOR FOUR DAYS

An elderly Los Angeles newspaper vendor was freed from his newsstand by police on Monday after accidentally locking himself inside for four days. The unidentified 84-year-old vendor had also been living in the wooden stand. A passerby heard moaning coming from inside the stand Monday afternoon and called authorities. Responding officers cut the stand’s lock and freed the man. The vendor was malnourished and dehydrated, police said. He remained hospitalized as of Tuesday.
* How did he fasten the lock from the inside? This is like a backwards magic trick.
* He stayed alive by eating the dates on the magazines.
* Now his newspapers are all out of date and his magazines all smell funky.
* He’s lucky the passerby was nice. “Help! Tell someone I’m locked in here!” “First, tell me how much you’ve got in the cash register!”
* See? The newspaper business isn’t dead yet.
* Wow, he’s selling newspapers at 84? That sounds like my career arc.
* This is nothing. He just stopped doing his paper route on his Stingray when he turned 75.
* These are the tipster guys in the crime movies right? You know, the hero slips the newspaper vendor a 20 and says, “What’s the word on the street?”
* Then this guy says, “Let me out of here and I’ll tell you.”