FOREIGN-SPEAKING MEN BUY 100 CELLPHONES AT THREE DIFFERENT WALMARTS

Fox News is reporting that Missouri police are investigating after at least 100 cellphones were purchased at three Walmarts during the past week. The FBI was contacted in at least two of the cases, though it’s unclear if federal officials are actively involved. One witness, who did not want to be identified, said about a sale in Columbia: “Who’s going to order 50 phones for Christmas? Who does that?” The first reported purchase happened Friday night, when several men bought dozens of phones around 9:30 p.m. at a Columbia Walmart. The men paid in cash. Then, just before 4 a.m. on Saturday, two men bought about 60 phones in Lebanon, Missouri. Police were called and interviewed the men, but did not detain them. “These people were, they were foreign-speaking,” said Laclede County Sheriff Wayne Merritt, who encouraged citizens to call the cops if they spot odd activity. “You need to take notice. You need to let us know about it, because it doesn’t hurt to check on it. You’re not being racist or anything like that. You’re just protecting yourself.” The Macon County Sheriff’s Office said there had been a “recent suspicious purchase of multiple cellphones.” It was not clear when that incident occurred or how many cellphones were bought. It’s not yet known if the three purchases were related, but the locales were relatively close together. It takes a driver about an hour to go from Macon to Columbia, and then a little less than another hour to reach Lebanon. The Columbia and Lebanon purchases happened about six hours apart.
* Nothing to see here, citizen.
* In a related story, Trump’s poll numbers just doubled.
* Now Trump wants to build a fence around Walmart.
* Are these some of those Walmarts where you can also buy guns?
* Here’s the most galling thing: They didn’t even bother space the purchases out over several months.
* That just stinks of “Nyah-nyah! Catch me if you can!”
* We now have permission to report foreign-speaking suspicious characters without it being racist. Cool. Political correctness went up against common sense and domestic terrorism and lost.
* Maybe they’re planning to steal all of our phone apps?
* The best case scenario: They happen to have 100 friends who all just lost their phones at the same time.
* More likely: they don’t want to be tracked by staying on the same phone for too long.
* The worst case? The phones will be used to trigger I.E.D.s.
* This is making me anxious. No, really. It’s a reminder that I still have a lot of holiday shopping to do myself.