JON STEWART TO CONTINUE “DAILY SHOW” FOR TWO MORE YEARS

Nothing, because it was a soft drink.

Husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. The drunk says, “Could you give me a push?” Husband says, “Hello no,” slams the door. His wife says, “Don’t you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us? Go help the poor man.” The husband goes back to the door, doesn’t see the man. He yells, “Do you still need a push?” He hears the drunk say, “Yes please.” Husband says, “Where are you?” Drunk says, “Over here on the swings.”

Says, “What are you up to?” Neighbor says, “Oh, I’m digging a hole for my dead hamster.” Guy says,. “Sorry to hear that, but why make the hole so big?” Neighbor says, “Because it’s inside your cat.”

He must have been pushing 70.

I can’t believe it’s not better.