DRUNK EMILY REVIEWS “TARZAN”

This was written by a New Zealand woman named Emily who wrote a review of the new “Tarzan” movie after drinking. It has been edited for length:
“So I had wine and I am very tired and so I am a bit tipsy but I saw the Tarzan movie so I thought I’d give my honest review. Excuse typos because you know, wines.
“Ok so I don’t know what the plot is or who is in it other than Alexander Skarsgard and Alexander Skarsgard’s magnificent holy abs. I don’t know what the dialogue or acting is like or whatever. But like 1/3 of the way in Alexander Skarsgard is going to fight a gorilla for some reason and he takes off his shirt and OMG LIKE I ACTUALLY GROANED LOUDLY. He does not put his shirt back on for the whole movie. And like The V. Sweet mother Mary the V I am telling you. The v is worth $15. The V is worth so much I wanted to see the movie again straight afterward. Did I say that he doesn’t put his shirt back on? (*note: the V she is talking about is the muscular groove from his hips down to his, er, vine.)
“I am basically exhausted from being in a constant state of arousal for the rest of the 2/3 of the film. When he swings on stuff it’s slow mo and there are like all these long shorts of his muscles. And like at one point he is wet. Like so wet. And I was like to my friend OMG and we were both like HE IS SO WET. And glistening with his chest and his abs and his arms and he’s all dirty and the V. The V I am telling you.
“There are many close ups of his sad eyes.
“There is one sex scene that stops before anything properly happens which made me so angry I intend to write to the director to give him a pieces of my mind.
I mean why is this movie PG13? What mum is going to watch this movie with her kid? Nobody wants to sit with their teenage son while they’re imagining Alexander Skarsgard diving into their lady parts.
“I am furious. But also very grateful. For this wonderful movie. That gave us Alexander Skarsgard. He is a gift to the world. And I bet he is so nice.
And he is SO TALL. Like this movie really shows his tallness. That at one point he comes up behind whoever the actress was and I let out this like guttural noise like I was dying and the guy next to me gave me a filth look and I was like [bleep] you what are you even doing here.
“Alexander Skarsgard is Tarzan and he belongs to the women of the world.
“So in short, definite Oscar worthy movie with just like amazing arms and imagine if your job was to put the dirt and blood on his arms? Imagine if that was your job. To just touch Alexander Skarsgard all day. And he would flirt with you but not be gross. He would just be a total gentlemen and maybe you’d drop your make up brush and you’d both reach down and get it and he’d look at you with his sad eyes and you would be dead.
“That would be it. You would actually die. But it would be worth it.
“This has been a review by Emily after two maybe three wines on very little sleep. Thank you and good night.”
* Oh, she’s not sleeping. Noooo, not by a long shot, my friend.
* I can relate. When I take off my shirt, people groan too.
* Then they say things like, “Well, I’LL never have sex again.”
* You know I just thought of something: swinging through the trees is Tarzan’s morning commute.
* At least our commute is going better than that this morning.
* She talks like you can’t find guys who are in shape in real life.
* I’m glad for her that they decided to take out the scene where another guy kisses Tarzan. (http://morningsidekick.com/prep/2016/07/11/tarzan-not-gay-not-now/)
* This reads like 50 Shades of Skarsgard.
* Are you sure that wasn’t written by Rex Reed?
* So the takeaway here is, if you’re going to date Emily, take a DVD of the Tarzan movie over to her place. You’ll be glad you did.
CLIP: Here is the sound coming from Emily’s bedroom. (Tarzan yell)