SQUIRRELS, PEANUTS, A CHANNEL TO THE AFTERLIFE AND A SHOT IN THE ASS

An altercation between neighbors in Gunbarrel, Colorado, left one man shot in the buttocks last Thursday and another man facing attempted-murder charges. The argument came about because of the shooting suspect’s habit of feeding peanuts to area squirrels. Jon Marc Barbour, 59, called 911 last Thursday afternoon and told dispatchers he had shot his neighbor, identified as Jeffrey Browning, after an argument. Neighbors told investigators that Barbour and his wife like to feed shelled peanuts to the local squirrels. Large amounts of peanuts. Neighbors have objected to this, saying they wanted to protect children with possible nut allergies. After the shooting, it came out that Barbour was feeding the squirrels because he believed it was a way of communing with the spirits of his deceased parents. In a letter he posted for his neighbors, Barbour writes, “Firstly, I wish to express my deepest gratitude to those who have supported me in my communing with the spirits of my deceased parents for the last year. My parents were great animal lovers and have shown themselves to me through the squirrels in the area.”
* So this story has two kinds of nuts.
* Guy sounds a little squirrely himself.
* Were the squirrels feeding the peanuts to the kids with nut allergies?
* Remember, there’s no issue so petty that it doesn’t deserve the intervention of firearms.
* Attempted murder? If you’re trying to kill someone, I don’t think you aim for the buttocks.
* Hey, if you don’t want to risk getting shot, don’t move to Gunbarrel, Colorado.
* And yes, I checked with Google to make sure the town really exists.
* It’s in Boulder County and there are around 10,000 people living there … Wait, make that 9,999.
* The gunshot victim had been communing with his deceased parents? He better be careful or he’ll be talking with them face to face.
* None of this had to happen, ’cause the parents were actually trying to communicate through the neighborhood rabbits.
* I want to clear up some confusion. Some people thought “Squirrels, Peanuts, A Channel to the Afterlife and a Shot to the Buttocks” was an album by Kanye West.