ARBORIST SURVIVES TRIP INTO THE WOODCHIPPER

In Springfield, Oregon, an arborist was accidentally pulled head first into a operating wood chipper Friday afternoon but safety features saved him. The man’s harness rope had become tangled with tree limbs being fed into the chipper, causing him to be yanked in. However, his leg tripped the safety bar and shut off the machine just when his head arrived at the chipper blades. In addition, he was wearing a helmet. The victim suffered trauma to the back of his head and a broken left leg.
* Oh – and also a stained pair of underwear.
* He also suffered trauma inside his head. Mental trauma.
* Relax. The nightmares should fade away by the 4th of July.
* Time to switch from arborist to flower arranging.
* Or maybe just leave the world of plant life entirely.
* This is bad because now the wood chipper feels cheated and is going to start trying harder.
* You know, you hardly ever see a fun story with the phrase “wood chipper” in it.
* It’s like a samurai sword. You see a samurai sword in a story, get ready: something bad is about to happen.
* Hey, let’s show some respect for the location in this story: the Simpsons hometown is named after Springfield, Oregon.
* Okay, Matt Groening was from Portland and Springfield was the town in a TV show called “Father Knows Best” but he imagined this Springfield, Oregon was that town. So later, he named the … wait, what the hell am I doing? It’s a cartoon. We should just be glad this wood chipper guy is okay.