MAXIMUM LIFE SPAN: 117

Some scientists say they have figured out the maximum age a human can live to. Statisticians at Erasmus University in Rotterdam, Netherlands, looked at the age at which 75,000 people in the Netherlands died in the 30 years up to 2017. From that, they figured that it would be unlikely for a human to live beyond 115. Also, they say women have a slightly longer lifespan than men: 115.7 years for women, 114.1 years for men. (* One full extra year to not have that idiot husband hanging around the house all day, ladies!) The oldest man ever verified was a Japanese man named Jiroemon Kimura, who lived to be 116 years old. And last year, French nun Sister André passed away at 118.
* Not so much ‘passed away’ as ‘blew away in a strong wind.’
* I’m going for the record. Get me a can of Red Bull.
* That’s a lotta years. See how smart we are for not letting anyone have more than two terms as president?
* Meanwhile, Putin’s gonna keep killing his enemies and running Russia forever.
* I wonder how many of those statisticians are thinking, “Oh, my god, I’ve got another 90 years of being a statistician!”