THE ENHANCED OLYMPICS FOR DOPERS

Some rich investors, one of which is billionaire Peter Thiel, are joining together to fund a series of events called the Enhanced Games, which describes itself as “the 21st Century Olympics without drug testing.” The backers say that “Steroids are good for athletes and the world.” A statement from the group says, “Unlike the Olympic Games, Enhanced believes that excellence deserves to be rewarded,” and eligible athletes will receive a base salary and compete for prize winnings. The Enhanced Games will include many of the same sports you enjoy at the non-weirdo Olympics, such as track and field, swimming, gymnastics, weight lifting, and combat sports. There’s no word on when the first Enhanced Games will take place.
* But they already have this: pro wrestling. And the Kentucky Derby.
* How enhanced will they be, compared to, say, The Incredible Hulk?
* Imagine the events at the Enhanced Olympics:
– 100-meter ‘Roid Rage.
– High Diver Backne Competition
– Taekwondoping
– Liver-Damaged Marathon
– 4 x 400 Anxiety Relay
– Loss of Balance Beam
– Archery, For Athletes With A Tremor
– The Paranoia Biathalon
– High Hurdles for runners with shrunken testicles
* Speaking of competitions involving people with enhancements, the Academy Awards are coming up.