GOOP XMAS 2023 CATALOGUE

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop annual holiday gift guide is out. Here are just some of the overpriced items you can purchase this year. Yes, it’s Halloween – don’t be scared, kids:
– Tracy Anderson’s Wooden Home Gym: A gym made out of wood, not metal. Actually, calling it a ‘gyn’ is stretching it. You get a nice looking wooden box for step-ups and supported wooden planks; a wooden staff, which clicks into a socket in the box for… what kind of exercise nobody knows. The wooden staff also doubles as a barbell, but being that the entire package only weighs 65 lbs wyou won’t be buying this for weight training. Total cost: $2,629.
– Viome Full Body Intelligence Test, $399. You mail your own blood, stool and saliva samples to Viome, which “analyzes how your genes — and your microbiome’s — are expressed in your body.” The company then makes “actionable recommendations for a healthier lifestyle. Goop has a disclaimer that this product has not been evaluated by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and “is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.”
– Roman and Williams Guild KH Würtz Stoneware Teapot. A ceramic teapot, dishwasher safe, for $465.
– Leath The Fieldhouse Microgreen Grow System, $295. You get a tray, a small bag of soil, a grow light and six types of seeds: broccoli, arugula, radish, pea shoot, sunflower and medley. Grow microgreens on your kitchen countertop and sprinkle on top of salads in a week or two. Or buy them at the store for a buck-fifty.
– WaterRower Ergometer Rowing Machine. A rowing machine made of wood, and the resistance comes from a rope attached to a paddle inside a plastic tank that you fill with water. Cost: $2,099, water not included.
– Baina Self-Care Towel Set. Very, very soft towels. You get a bath mat, a normal-size towel, a hand towel and a washcloth. $220 for the set, or $55 per towel.
– Surya Spa Panchakarma Wellness Retreat. A stay at this Santa Monica spa will cost more than $1,000 for just one day, and nearly $30,000 for a 28-day visit. Panchakarma treatments, which are based in Ayurvedic medicine (* Remember: if it’s not Ayurvedic, it’s not medicine!”), includes massage, saunas and other holistic practices. A single day retreat includes treatments that last for four hours “with two highly-trained therapists using herbalized oils custom-made each night.
– Gong Exploration Workshop. Find your perfect gong, with one-on-one guidance from a gong master. $200
– The Vesper 2 Vibrator on a necklace, $165
– Chanel Roller Skates, $5,125
For the budget-concious:
– A pack of three Luxe brand Pickleballs, $15
– Therapy Notebooks Build-a-Habit Guide, $28. Every day, the journal prompts you to answer the same questions: “Did you complete your habit today? How do you feel about having completed (or not completed) your habit today?
– North Spore Grow-Your-Own Lion’s Mane Mushroom Kit, $30. Kit includes mushroom spores and a block of sawdust.
– The Dirty Santa Candle, $70
* A dirty Santa candle? Soots me!
* It just isn’t Christmas until Santa brings the Vibrator on a necklace.
* I guess that one’s for people who made the Naughty list.
* You could buy something from Goop, or – and hear me out – OR… you could give the money to the poor and needy.
* Well, that’s Goop. Your move, Oprah.