MAN DIES AT “HAPPY ENDING” MASSAGE PARLOR

A British man has reportedly died inside a “happy ending” massage parlor in Pattya, Thailand. It might not be quite what you thought. Investigators say 70-year-old John Swain arrived at the ‘Lovely Massage’ shop on a rented motorcycle. Mr. Swain had taken off his clothes and was lying naked on the massage table while being rubbed with oil. (* So far, this is pretty much what I thought.) The masseus, ‘Miss Oraya,’ said she first noticed he was sleeping, and suddenly he started struggling to breathe. She called the other girls for help and they all started pumping. His heart. They were pumping his heart, but by that point, Mr. Swain had already stopped breathing. Officers said they looked for signs of foul play or a struggle, but found nothing suspicious. There will be an autopsy to determine the exact cause of death.
* I think that smile on the dead man’s face pretty much gives it away, though.
* All together now, 3, 2, 1 … “He died doing something he loved.”
* Usually, when you think of the British, you think of a stiff upper lip.
* At least the ladies tried to save him, you have to hand it to them. Which is actually one of the rules of the massage parlor: “You have to hand it to them.”
* Hold on, I’m writing down ‘Lovely Massage’ in Taiwan. This’ll be the last thing on my Bucket List.