TODAY'S INAUGURATION SCHEDULE

Here is the official schedule for the inauguration of Donald Trump as President of the United States. All times are Eastern Standard. (Note: See our new “Trump Commemoratives” comedy bit in our website mp3 column.)
– Early morning | Private family breakfast. The Trumps and their invited guests will share a private breakfast at Blair House, the president’s guesthouse.
* This even will also introduce the presidential food taster, who checks for poison.
* At her house, Hillary will be eating crow.

– 8:30 a.m. | Private prayer service at St. John’s Episcopal Church, just a short walk from Blair House.
* It’s Trump. It won’t take long. He hasn’t got a prayer.
* Attendance will be light. Half the population is mad at God.

– 9:30 a.m. | Coffee date at the White House. The incoming and departing presidents will meet at the White House with their wives. As is customary, Mr. Trump and Mr. Obama will then ride together down Pennsylvania Avenue to the Capitol.
* This could be the moment of peak awkwardness.
* “So how long do you think it will take me to undo your eight years?”
* Please serve Trump decaff. Please.

– 11:30 a.m. | Swearing-in ceremony, which will feature religious leaders with ties to Mr. Trump, remarks from Senator Roy Blunt of Missouri, the chairman of the congressional inaugural committee, and celebrity musical performances.
* Of course, Roy Blunt won’t be the bluntest person there.
* Celebrity musical performances. Again, this won’t take long.
* The musical highlights will feature the pauses between songs.

– Around noon | Oath of office and inaugural address. Chief Justice John G. Roberts will administer the oath of office as Mr. Trump rests his hand on two Bibles: one he’s owned since childhood and the Lincoln Bible. Mr. Trump will then deliver his speech.
* After a brief pause while half the population pinches itself.
* As the internet has pointed out, he’s using two Bibles, one for each Corinthian.
* This could be the first inaugural address with the word “crap” in it.

– Immediately after inaugural address | Democrats draft articles of impeachment. (* Just kidding.)

– Sometime after noon | The Obamas depart
* In an unmarked station wagon.
* While Trump begins deportation papers to send President Obama back to Kenya.
* And school kids everywhere cheer for the end of Michelle’s lunch menus.

– Early afternoon | Luncheon with friends in the Capitol Rotunda, featuring musical performances, an elaborate menu and remarks to honor the new president and vice president.
* Never mind the remarks – imagine the things everybody will be thinking.
* There’s an awful lot of eating.

– After lunch | Review of Armed Forces from the East Front of the Capitol after lunch.
* If you miss this, don’t worry. You’ll be seeing much more of the Armed Forces later when World War 3 starts.
* “Do me a favor. Could you all face toward North Korea and flip Kim Jong-Un the bird?”

– Thereafter | Inaugural parade. Mr. Trump and Mr. Pence will lead the parade from the Capitol down Pennsylvania Avenue, with thousands of military personnel representing each branch. Once he has arrived at the White House, Mr. Trump will watch the rest of the parade from a reviewing stand there.
* The big question is will the Miss Universe contestants march?

– 7 p.m. | Inaugural balls. There will be two official inaugural balls, held on separate floors of the Walter E. Washington Convention Center, as well as the Armed Services Ball, which will be held at the National Building Museum. Mr. Trump is expected to make remarks and take to the dance floor at all three.
* Yes, let’s see him tap dance his way out of this one.
* So far the polls have 2% of Americans wanting to watch Trump dance while 89% of Americans will be watching Ivanka instead.

– 9 p.m. | Ceremonial burning of a copy of the Obamacare legislation. (Just kidding.)

– 10 p.m. | President Trump checks out his desk in the Oval Office, finds Obama’s declaration pardoning Hillary. (Just kidding.)

– 3 AM | Tweeting hour.
* Just kidding (not kidding).

* 8 AM Saturday – Trump makes America great again.
* 9 AM | Golf.