MAN SHOPLIFTS STEAKS IN HIS COLOSTOMY BAG

A South Carolina man was arrested Tuesday for shoplifting ribeye steaks from a Food Lion. He smuggled the meat out of the store in his colostomy bag. Store employees called police, reporting that “an older white male” stole $75 worth of ribeye steaks. The workers said that the man drove away from the Roebuck store in a green Nissan. Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office deputies traced license plate back to David Samuel Hoyt, 55. During questioning, Hoyt admitted to the theft, saying that he put the meat in his colostomy bag and walked out of Food Lion.
* Worst. Marinade. Ever.
* “You call this ribeye? It tastes like crap!”
* The worst part? Now store security have to check every colostomy bag that comes in the store.
* These days $75 bucks worth of ribeye is around a pound and a half.
* Okay, that’s an exaggeration but not by much.
* Here’s Bear Grylls thinking he’s got the grossest story today with the mouse, and then this guy shows up.
* The store is called Food Lion? Oh my God! They ate Cecil!
* There must be a solar wackiness storm on the sun. All these stories are more amped up than usual.