HELP WANTED: SOMEONE TO DEFEND EARTH

NASA is hiring someone who can defend Earth from alien contamination. The full-time role of “Planetary Protection Officer” will involve ensuring that humans in space do not contaminate planets and moons, as well as ensuring that alien matter does not infect Earth. NASA is concerned about possible organic and biological contamination in human and robotic space exploration, as we start reaching out to other planets – or other planets start reaching out to us – and bringing back extraterrestrial matter. The pay is a six-figure salary: as much as $187,000 a year plus benefits.
* One benefit is, you’d probably be the last person eaten by the aliens.
* Somebody at NASA saw that movie “Life”.
* Should we tell NASA that other countries are sending out probes and don’t give a crap about an American “Planetary Protection Officer”? Or just let them keep throwing money away?
* Also, you can’t do anything about the 100 tons of cosmic dust that falls on the Earth every single day – but now I just feel like I’m piling on.
* Planetary Protection? How about an immense condom?
* Isn’t there, like, a new superhero every week who’s already defending Earth from total annihilation? And they’re doing it for free.