MAN INJURES WIFE WITH HATCHET, KILLS SELF WITH CHAINSAW

In a rather gruesome crime, a 76-year-old Springfield, Virginia, woman suffered non-life threatening injuries after her 70-year-old husband assaulted her with a hatchet, and then took his own life with a chainsaw. Police were called on a report of a domestic dispute around 3:30 Wednesday afternoon. Upon arrival, officers found the woman with injuries from the blunt end of a hatchet and a man in the garage with life-threatening injuries. A family member came to the home and saw the man assaulting his wife in the foyer. The family member was able to rescue the victim and take her outside. The man eventually returned to the home and shut the door. He then injured himself with a chainsaw. He was taken to a hospital where he later died.
* I’m shocked! How do you live 70 years and not learn what end of a hatchet to use?
* Sometimes the phrase “domestic dispute” doesn’t quite capture the situation.
* What was the poor man’s name? (pause for effect) Woody?
* How do you kill yourself with a chainsaw? I’m stumped.
* Hatchets… chainsaws… it’s like The Texas Timbertoes Massacre.