WOMAN CRASHES INTO WALMART, BLAMES GOD

A Camden, South Carolina, woman crashed her car into a Walmart on Tuesday night. She told police that God told her to do it, adding that the rapture was nigh. According to police, Crystal Marshall, 34, intentionally drove her 2007 Ford Focus into the Walmart. Surveillance footage shows Marshall driving in the parking lot before she turned and plowed directly into the building. Asked what happened, Marshall “began to speak of how the ‘rapture’ was coming,” a patrolman reported. The suspect added that, “God told her to do it,” police noted. Police say Marshall was not under the influence of alcohol at the time of the incident, although they did not know if she had been using drugs.
* “God Is My Co-Pilot … and Needs More Lessons.”
* Sometimes Jesus doesn’t take the wheel. Sometimes He’s too busy trying to find a good radio station.
* God got confused ’cause normally He drives a Prius.
* Or maybe He just did it ’cause he prefers Target.
* All I know is if the rapture is nigh, I’m going to cancel my dental appointment.
* Is this the same God who told Ted Cruz that he’s the anointed one?
* I’m starting to think we may have an impostor God on our hands.
* Somewhere there’s an Ashton-Kutcher like devil at work and we’re getting punk’d.
* I like how religion covers everything. First you say God told you, and if that doesn’t work, you say the devil made you do it.