An Avondale, Arizona, woman allegedly tried to light her boyfriend on fire because he would not celebrate with her after she got hired at a Subway restaurant. Kathy Jones, 46, told officers she had around four drinks and was celebrating her new job at Subway. She became upset with her boyfriend after he wouldn’t celebrate with her, so she sprayed him with lighter fluid and then threw lit matches at him. The boyfriend locked her out of their home and called police.
* You’re supposed to drink a toast, not turn somebody into toast.
* You’re supposed to get lit, not get lit on fire.
* She takes hothead to a whole new level.
* She had four drinks? Were they in Big Gulp cups?
* You can see where this is all his fault, of course.
* He probably said, “Congratulations. Go make me a sammich.”
* Drinking because you got hired at Subway. That’s one way to deal with it.

A Brown Deer, Wisconsin, woman called police on Sunday after she got into an argument with her husband when he brought home the “wrong type of chicken.” The 40-year-old woman told police she was fighting with her 37-year-old husband. The man later agreed to go stay with his father for the night. It’s unclear what part of the chicken the woman needed, what dish she was cooking or what piece of meat the man ultimately bought.
* It’s going to be awhile before that husband gets bone-in again.
* In the meantime, he’s just gonna have to pullet.
* When the woman saw the incorrect chicken, she balked. “BALK! BALK-BALK-BALK!”
* Dumb clucks.
* If only there was some sort of wireless device you could take to the store with you, and send a picture to someone back at home to make sure you’re buying the right thing.