A Florida man showed up at HCA Florida Memorial Hospital after experiencing severe pain and nose bleeds. The on-call ENT took a look and found dozens of living, squirming parasitic larva living in the man’s sinuses. The doctor removed over 150 of them, saying some of the larger ones were as big as the end of his pinky. It had gotten so bad that the larvae had burrowed into other tissues inside his head, against his skull base, right under the brain. The patient said he had a compromised immune system after getting a tumor removed 30 years ago, which possibly contributed to the infestation. Typically, the body’s immune system keeps parasites from attaching themselves to you. The man was an avid fisherman. It was believed he picked up the parasites from handling a dead fish.
* Say it… SAY IT: Handling a dead fish AND THEN PICKING HIS NOSE!
* Sounds like they’ve been having some tasty fish dinners at HIS house.
* “Honey, are boogers supposed to wiggle around like this?”
* “I don’t know. Are CAPERS supposed to wiggle around like this?”
* 150 little wriggling larva up a fisherman’s nose. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? BAIT!

An Indian woman who was thought to be dead woke up moments before she was about to be cremated. Bujji Aamma, 52, from Berhampur, India, was severely burned in a fire in her home. She was treated at a hospital and she returned home where she remained in a bad state. A few days later she didn’t open her eyes, and her husband believed she was dead. He arranged for her to be taken to the cremation ground in a hearse. A woman at the cremation saw Mrs. Aamma open her eyes and was a bit shocked. The driver of the hearse was called back to collect her, living and breathing, and she was taken home in the same hearse.
* Not so much a delivery as a nice little tour of the city.
* She may not have been cremated, but she was still pretty burned up about it.
* “Bujji! How was your day?” “Not so hot – luckily!”
* Question: On the way home, did she ride in the back, or did she ride shotgun up front?
* The hearse driver dropped her off and said, “Do you want my card?” and the husband said, “Naw, I got you on speed dial.”

This is, apparently, unbelievably, true. In Europe, around three million smart toothbrushes – toothbrushes that are connected to the internet to keep track of your brushing habits – got infected by hackers. Individually, that doesn’t mean much. But when all the malware in all the toothbrushes was connected into one larger botnet, the toothbrushes were used in a Denial of Service attack on a Swiss company’s website. A Denial of Service attack is a cybercrime in which the attacker floods a server with internet traffic to prevent users from accessing connected online services and sites. The company’s site collapsed under the strain of the attack, reportedly resulting in the loss of millions of Euros of business. Normally, the toothbrushes would have used their connectivity for tracking and improving user oral hygiene habits, but after a malware infection, these toothbrushes were ganged up into a hacker attack. The toothbrush brand was not revealed, nor was the company affected by the attack.
* Well, humanity is boned now, for sure.
* I refuse to let my toothbrush be smarter than me.
* Did the attack happen at tooth-hurty?
* Who in their right mind feels the need to connect their toothbrush to the internet? Well, Gary Busey, sure, with those giant teeth who can blame him. But who else?
* Next up: Four million WiFi CPAP machines gang up and lock all the gates shut at Disneyland Paris.

A new spa has opened in Atkinson, New Hampshire, catering to “diaper-wearing” adults who want to role-play as young children. “The Diaper Spa” says it is a “safe and judgment-free zone” for visitors (* Oh, I’m not so sure it’s ‘judgement free’) to pamper themselves with “snacks…playtime, story time, nap time, cuddle time, changing time, coloring, nursery rhymes and sing-a-longs,” according to its website. (* Wait – did you say ‘changing time?’) Services include an “Adult Baby-Diaper Lover” (ABDL) nursery spa care at $300 an hour, or an all-day “premier spa experience for $1500.” Spa owner Dr. Colleen Ann Murphy, an integrative medicine physician and sexologist, explained that her spa is meant to be a place of healing for people who’ve experienced trauma. She says, “A lot of times it’s childhood trauma when they were in diapers or just getting out of diapers and they want to feel that safety that they had before that.”
* (to member of your morning team) “_____, why are you googling directions to Atkinson, New Hampshire?”
* These aren’t rug-rats, they’re more like rug-manatees.
* The worst part of the Diaper Spa? The strained peas.
* If I want to see a bunch of diaper-wearing adults acting like babies, I turn on C-SPAN.
* Charging $300 and $1500 to satisfy peoples’ fetishes? It’s like taking candy from a baby.

This year’s first There’s-A-Spider-In-My-Ear story comes from Lucy Wild, of Cheshire, England, who thought the crackling in her ear was ear wax buildup. She stuck in an ear cleaner with an attached camera (* This exists?) and she saw a spider. After running around screaming for awhile trying to get it out, she called emergency services who told her to put warm olive oil in her ear, which drew it out. The spider was about 1-centimeter, the size of your small fingernail. But then, a pain persisted in her ear, and a doctor noticed the spider had built a nest in there. Wild said the procedure to remove the spider nest was painful, worse than childbirth.
* Wait’ll the eggs hatch, honey.
* Removing the nest was painful because they had to rip out all the itty-bitty carpets.
* For a minute there, she considered charging the spider rent, but spiders don’t use money, so that was just dumb.
* Animals usually go where the food is. What the hell is going on in this lady’s ears?
* Did they check her nose for termites?

This year’s first There’s-A-Spider-In-My-Ear story comes from Lucy Wild, of Cheshire, England, who thought the crackling in her ear was ear wax buildup. She stuck in an ear cleaner with an attached camera (* This exists?) and she saw a spider. After running around screaming for awhile trying to get it out, she called emergency services who told her to put warm olive oil in her ear, which drew it out. The spider was about 1-centimeter, the size of your small fingernail. But then, a pain persisted in her ear, and a doctor noticed the spider had built a nest in there. Wild said the procedure to remove the spider nest was painful, worse than childbirth.
* Wait’ll the eggs hatch, honey.
* Removing the nest was painful because they had to rip out all the itty-bitty carpets.
* For a minute there, she considered charging the spider rent, but spiders don’t use money, so that was just dumb.
* Animals usually go where the food is. What the hell is going on in this lady’s ears?
* Did they check her nose for termites?