A Methodist pastor in Woodbury, Connecticut, has been accused of dealing crystal meth out of his church’s rectory. Herbert Miller, 63, the reverend of Woodbury United Methodist Church, was arrested after cops were tipped off about his alleged dealing. The pastor of the church, known for it’s emphasis on sobriety, was busted during a purported drug deal set up by a cooperating witness who had alerted the police. Miller has been a pastor at the church since last July.
* And attendance has been sky high.
* More of a crystal-Methodist pastor, as it were.
* One clue was when he started going by the name “Heisenberg.”
* And he started barreling through the sermons in a minute and a half.
* God’s always listening. Sometimes, so are the police.

A naked Florida man was arrested after he allegedly stole a T-shirt from a church thrift store. Michael Da Costa, 38, was arrested at the Wings of Faith Thrift Store in Ocala. Witnesses say Mr. Da Costa was “fully nude” and snatched a T-shirt from the store on his way out when asked to leave. When questioned, he told deputies that he entered the thrift store to get clothing for himself. Da Costa is being held at the Marion County Jail on a $6,000 bond.
* “Fully nude” is not how you want to arrive at a jail.
* “Sir, you gonna pay for that?” “Do I look like I have a wallet?”
* Oh, for crying out loud, give him the used clothes! That’s, what, 4 dollars out of the church’s pocket?
* “Sorry, our church only gives clothes to people who aren’t naked.”
* At least the prison gave him a new jumpsuit.

Two years ago, Mohamed Worku allegedly walked into a Chicago bank, handed over a demand note — “Give me the money Please Thank You” — and walked out with $600 cash. He was soon located, arrested and charged. Then a federal jury acquitted him of bank robbery. His defense lawyer argued that, yes, Worku had committed a crime, but he didn’t make threats or do anything by force, so his actions didn’t meet the standard for the bank robbery charge. The jury agreed and he walked free. But then – three days after being released – Worku tried it again, walking into another bank and handed over another polite note: “Please Give me the money I’ll pay it back soon.” He walked out with $2,000 this time. Again, they soon located and arrested him. This time the D.A. is charging him with two charges: bank robbery, which requires proof the money was taken by means of “intimidation,” and bank theft, which does not.
* Plus, he was jaywalking after he left the bank.
* So it’s not illegal to rob a bank, it’s only illegal if you don’t say “please”? Since when did Emily Post write our laws?
* If he’d said “pretty please” they would have thrown in one of those lollipops by the teller window.
* That guy’s lawyer belongs in the Johnnie Cochran Hall of Fame.

An Amish family in Michigan had their horse and buggy jacked after stopping in at a Walmart. The family stopped to shop at a Walmart in Sturgis, Michigan. When they came out of the store, there was no trace of their buggy. A truck driver parked in the lot reported he had seen a woman jump into the buggy and take off with it. The horse and buggy were found unoccupied later in the evening around two miles away. The suspect, a 31-year-old local woman, was later found at a nearby motel and arrested for larceny of livestock.
* What’s worse, the catalytic converter was missing.
* She abandoned the buggy when the engine got hungry.
* Did the horse not leave a, you know, a trail to follow?
* It’s like a Grand Theft Auto mission from 1840.

An inmate escaped from the Tennessee police, right in the middle of an extreme cold snap and a snow storm. Demarkus Davis, 20, jumped out of a patrol car bound for the Shelby County Jail on Sunday night. Just 45 minutes later, he turned himself over to police because it was so cold. The temperature at the time was 13 degrees. Davis was still handcuffed when they re-arrested him.
* That saves a couple of seconds anyway.
* So he’s freezing. Where do they take him? To the cooler. What the hell?
* With the handcuffs, he could barely even rub his hands together.
* I hope the officers aren’t expecting a medal for their brave work on this one.
* He was hoping to escape and just chill, but 13 degrees is nuts.

A man involved in a hit-and-run in Flagler Beach, Florida, was hiding crystal meth between his buttcheeks after being pulled over by police. A woman named Clara Smith was actually driving at the time but her passenger, Andrew Croswell, claimed to be driving when the accident occurred. The 35-year-old said he did not stop because he didn’t think he had hit anyone. Deputies not only found methamphetamine in Smith’s purse, but Croswell admitted that he had crystal meth “between the cheeks,” and after —quote— “digging through his buttcrack,” the methamphetamine was recovered by the officers.
* …who just don’t get paid enough to do that.
* A couple of crack investigators.
* Worst. Man Purse. Ever.
* I’m no meth fiend, but I would say to that guy: you’re doing it wrong.
* It’s like Reese’s Cups: “Hey, you got meth in my crack.” “You got your crack on my meth!”

A man who allegedly snatched a woman’s purse in Vallejo, California, was found hiding in a doghouse. Police responded to the robbery call, searched the area, and located the suspect, who was literally hiding in a doghouse at the rear of a residence. The robbery suspect was then arrested and the purse was returned to the victim.
* “Who’s a bad boy? Who’s a bad boy? You are! Yes you are!”
* The suspect was taken to jail, where he was wormed and booked.
* From the doghouse to the big house.
* A doghouse, because the cathouses are in a different part of town.
* Will they sentence him in people years, or dog years?

A 23-year old man drove a truck straight into Lake Michigan while fleeing police Traverse City, Michigan. The Ford F-150 had been driving erratically and a deputy tried to pull it over for a traffic stop, but the driver sped away. At one point, that driver got out of the truck, and his passenger slid over and kept the chase going. He drove into the Clinch Park Marina, then down a boat ramp right into Lake Michigan. which ended up submerging the pickup in West Grand Traverse Bay. Arrested were the two 23-year olds who had been driving the pickup truck.
* That idea worked a lot better in that James Bond movie.
* This is why The Fast and the Furious has never done an underwater chase.
* Next comes the fine for illegal diving.
* Always go swimming with a buddy. Or, at the least, an accomplice.
* The the piranhas attacked.

In Orange County, Florida, Amanda Brochu had her entire driveway stolen. Brochu put her home up for sale in early December. Soon afterwards, several people identifying themselves as contractors stopped by the home to measure the concrete slab driveway. She doesn’t know why they came. One told her he was hired by a man named Andre to do an estimate. She called Andre, and Andre told her it was a mistake with the address. But the following week, Brochu’s entire concrete driveway went missing. She has a replacement estimate of $10,000 – which she doesn’t have – and is ready to move into her next house as soon as she sells this one…as soon as it gets a driveway.
* I bet Andre could sell her one – some assembly required.
* Why does this woman need a house if she’s never home long enough to notice someone stealing her driveway?
* And I thought porch pirates had a lot of nerve.
* Yeah, some crooks start out stealing driveways. Next thing you know, they’ve worked their way up to highway robbery.