Two women are accused of stealing thousands of dollars in roast beef from an Arby’s in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. Last July, the Arby’s owner found a discrepancy in the roast beef log sheets. She later discovered two employees were slicing extra beef and hiding it in a non-working oven. Employees are allowed to take home leftover beef at the end of their shift, with permission. The women would ask to take the leftover beef, then slip in the slices they had hidden. The ladies stole an estimated $2,800 in roast beef, along with 143 drinks, 16 food items, and 49 “other” things, totaling $3,495.
* Beat THAT, Hamburglar!
* If I were the defense attorney, first I’d make Arby’s prove that it’s actually beef.
* I bet detectives grilled them for a confession.
* Arby’s can deduct the stolen amount from their hourly paychecks and have it repaid by, oh, the year 3000.

A bank robbery suspect was arrested after handing a teller a note demanding one cent. Michael Patrick Fleming, 41, entered a Chase Bank in Lady Lake, Florida, and filled out a withdrawal slip for one cent. He handed the note to a teller. The teller told Fleming a one cent withdrawal wasn’t possible. He told the teller, “So you want me to say the other word?” The teller became fearful and notified law enforcement. Fleming was arrested on a charge of robbery. He did not have a weapon.
* And, literally, he has no cents.
* What was the other word? “Penny”? “Please”?
* So the teller called a COPPER!
* Was there a gumball machine in the bank lobby?
* Well, that’s MY two cents.

A Chicago homeowner fought off a burglar with a frying pan. Jason Williams arrived home around 3 p.m. when a security app alerted him of the home invasion. He went into his house, looked for an available weapon, and the first thing he saw was a frying pan. He grabbed it just as the burglar came downstairs. The burglar ran out the front door. Home security footage shows the intruder jumping off the front porch as Williams chased him with the frying pan. They run around the side of the house, off camera, where three loud bangs can be heard. The chase returns to the front yard where the burglar makes it through the iron front gate just as police arrive and nab him.
* As Emeril Lagasse says, “BAM!”
* You see, Supreme Court? You don’t need a bump stock. You need cookware.
* Good thing he didn’t go for the knife drawer.
* I bet police took him down to the station where they gave him a good grillin’.
* Unlike the frying pan, the charges will stick.

The FBI asked for help identifying a man accused of robbing a Fort Worth, Texas, bank while holding a small child. The robber walked into the First Convenience Bank inside a Walmart and passed the bank teller a note demanding cash while he had a child in a shopping cart. After stealing the money, he pushed the cart toward the exit, grabbed the child and fled. Authorities described the robber as a thin, white male between the ages of 35 and 45 years old. He was last seen wearing a baseball hat, black sunglasses, a multi-color “fishing shirt,” khaki-colored cargo shorts, and “Hey Dude” shoes.
* Well, you didn’t think he’d leave her in a hot car, did you? He could get into a lot of trouble for that.
* He is said to answer to the name “Mr. Mom.”
* I can’t believe I missed Take Your Daughter To Work Day.
* “Give me all your money. Hurry it up! We’re late for Aqua-Tots!”
* What do you think exploded first, the dye pack or the kid’s diaper?

OKLAHOMA COUPLE ARRESTED FOR CATTLE RUSTLING

An Oklahoma couple is facing 28 felony charges for stealing cattle and selling them. Brandy Ingram-Myers and her husband, Joshua Myers, were arrested for an unrelated burglary. During the arrest, investigators found more than $20,000 of cash on them. Brandy explained that they received that money for selling 25 head of cattle, but deputies did some investigating and found those cattle had been stolen. Video surveillance allegedly caught Brandy and her husband dropping off the cattle using a stolen truck and trailer, before picking up their check for over $42,000. Each of the 28 felony charges carry up to life in prison for each separate charge, due to multiple former felony convictions.
* What year is it in Oklahoma – 1886?
* What was the unrelated burglary – robbin’ the stage?
* Cattle rustling. Will they ever loin?
* 28 life sentences, but with good behavior, they could be out after 23.
* This is how the Hamburglar started.

Two people were arrested in a LEGO theft ring bust after almost 3,000 boxes of stolen LEGO toys were found in a California home. Arrested were Richard Siegel, 71, (* 71!) and Blanca Gudino, 39. Gudino had been identified by security cameras as a suspect stealing multiple LEGO sets from area toy stores, and delivering them to Siegel’s home in San Pedro, where police found over 2,800 LEGO sets, each ranging in price from $20 to $1,000.
* Police estimate the haul at 800-eleventy-bazillion dollars.
* They had almost enough bricks to complete their full-size model of the Starship Enterprise.
* Why does the 71-year-old want so many LEGO kits? Sick of jigsaw puzzles?
* Police now have a lot to build a case with, and they’ve started putting the pieces together.

Officers in St. Petersburg, Florida, arrested a man for spray painting a wall. When officers confronted him, he wouldn’t talk. But when told that he was required to identify himself, he told police his name was ‘Mr. Monopoly’ and provided a date of birth of 4/20/1969. He was subsequently identified as Ryan Howard, 33, via his Maine driver’s license. Mr. Howard was charged with criminal mischief and for providing cops with a fake name and date of birth.
* Not identity theft?
* Of all the times for Mr. Monopoly to be caught without a “Get out of jail free” card.
* Then he tried to pay his bail with Monopoly money.
* He was spray-painting on the wall “I Hate Mr. Peanut.”
* Looks like Mr. Monopoly has lost at the Game of Life.
* Remember – if you want to take a Risk, you’d better catch a Clue.

In Crossville, Tennessee, police received a call of a robbery at a Waffle House. When officers arrived, they discovered a man armed with a folding knife assaulting two employees. The man then reportedly ran off into a wooded area with $388 in cash. Police then received a call from a nearby Red Roof Inn saying the man was possibly hiding in the building. They found the suspect hiding in the attic of the hotel, which he accessed through a utility room. After the man was found, he began throwing money at officers as they started using pepper spray, bean bags and a taser to remove the man from the attic. The 31-year-old suspect fell through the ceiling of three separate hotel rooms before being taken into custody. Police recovered $381 of the stolen Waffle House money.
* At Red Roof Inn, they put the effort into the red roof, not the ceilings.
* Red Roof Inn, now with skylights!
* The big mystery is, what’s a Waffle House doing with $388?
* The burglar caused quite a flap, jack.
* Now here’s The Weather Girls with “It’s Raining Men.”

In Fremont, Ohio, deputies pulled over a US Postal Service mail van for speeding at over 100 mph in a 60 mph zone. The female driver appeared to be racing against a Ford Mustang. The deputy claimed the postal van blew by the Mustang doing 105 miles an hour. She was given a $240 fine for racing. The Postal Service says the incident is under investigation.
* Come on, isn’t this the EXACT kind of person we want delivering the mail in a timely manor?
* So the postal vehicles CAN move fast, they just aren’t allowed to, is that correct?
* What’s her side gig? Pizza delivery?
* Snail mail, my eye.

A man was charged with two counts of robbery after robbing businesses in Indianapolis. Alonzo Sansbury, 55, allegedly robbed a Dollar Tree after first attempting to pay with a fake $100 bill and then demanding money from the register. 30 minutes later, he went into a Big Lots where he stole money and a bag of Funyuns. Police tracked down his car. Inside were pieces of clothing that matched the items in surveillance video and the bag of Funyuns he stole from the Big Lots.
* Stealing Funyons. Not a Wise move.
* He stole them ’cause who in the world would pay money for Funyuns?
* I mean, they’re not onion rings. They’re onion-flavored “extruded corn meal.” Please!
* The judge will give him probation and tell him, “Sir, you are Frito go. ”
* Who goes to Dollar Tree with a $100 bill? “Give me 100 of anything.”