In Crossville, Tennessee, police received a call of a robbery at a Waffle House. When officers arrived, they discovered a man armed with a folding knife assaulting two employees. The man then reportedly ran off into a wooded area with $388 in cash. Police then received a call from a nearby Red Roof Inn saying the man was possibly hiding in the building. They found the suspect hiding in the attic of the hotel, which he accessed through a utility room. After the man was found, he began throwing money at officers as they started using pepper spray, bean bags and a taser to remove the man from the attic. The 31-year-old suspect fell through the ceiling of three separate hotel rooms before being taken into custody. Police recovered $381 of the stolen Waffle House money.
* At Red Roof Inn, they put the effort into the red roof, not the ceilings.
* Red Roof Inn, now with skylights!
* The big mystery is, what’s a Waffle House doing with $388?
* The burglar caused quite a flap, jack.
* Now here’s The Weather Girls with “It’s Raining Men.”

In Fremont, Ohio, deputies pulled over a US Postal Service mail van for speeding at over 100 mph in a 60 mph zone. The female driver appeared to be racing against a Ford Mustang. The deputy claimed the postal van blew by the Mustang doing 105 miles an hour. She was given a $240 fine for racing. The Postal Service says the incident is under investigation.
* Come on, isn’t this the EXACT kind of person we want delivering the mail in a timely manor?
* So the postal vehicles CAN move fast, they just aren’t allowed to, is that correct?
* What’s her side gig? Pizza delivery?
* Snail mail, my eye.

A man was charged with two counts of robbery after robbing businesses in Indianapolis. Alonzo Sansbury, 55, allegedly robbed a Dollar Tree after first attempting to pay with a fake $100 bill and then demanding money from the register. 30 minutes later, he went into a Big Lots where he stole money and a bag of Funyuns. Police tracked down his car. Inside were pieces of clothing that matched the items in surveillance video and the bag of Funyuns he stole from the Big Lots.
* Stealing Funyons. Not a Wise move.
* He stole them ’cause who in the world would pay money for Funyuns?
* I mean, they’re not onion rings. They’re onion-flavored “extruded corn meal.” Please!
* The judge will give him probation and tell him, “Sir, you are Frito go. ”
* Who goes to Dollar Tree with a $100 bill? “Give me 100 of anything.”

Monday morning (April 29), a bank robber robbed a Chase Bank in Skokie, Illinois. Police say he entered the bank around 10:18 a.m., implied that he had a weapon, got some money, and left. Police believe he got away on a city bus, Chicago Transit Authority bus #1547 – the 97 route that takes you through downtown Skokie up to Westfield Shopping Town at Old Orchard. You know. It also shoots down Oakton. Police say the suspect was still at large as of Monday night.
* Ah, the glamorous life of bank robbery.
* Police detectives are supposed to pull the CCTV footage all along the bus route, see where he got out, where he went, and catch him. Don’t these cops watch TV?
* “Gimme all your money! Also can I borrow two dollars and 25 cents for busfare?”
* Refuses to pay surge prices for Uber and Lyft?
* This is actually good advertising for the dependability of Chicago public transit.
* Nice to hear there’s at least one shopping center doing well in America.

A Florida couple was caught trying to pass off a fake lottery ticket as a million dollar winner. Kira Enders and her boyfriend Dakota Jones allegedly had taped together two tickets that had been ripped horizontally with the top half of one ticket and the bottom half another. The faked ticket showed a $1 million prize winner. They told officials they found the ticket, wet and torn in two, and they dried it out and taped it together. However, each half of the ticket had a different serial number. The two were charged with forgery of a lottery ticket with intent to defraud.
* Not their lucky day, I guess.
* Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. And that would be the time they were drinking.
* Even worse, the top half was from Powerball and the bottom half was Mega Millions.
* Who rips a $1 million lottery ticket in half? “Only ONE million? Stupid lottery!” r-r-R-I-P!!

In Memphis, Tennessee, police arrested a man after he attempted to rob a gas station with a live snake. Reginald Cook, 26, walked into a Shell station, made a purchase, and left. Later, Cook came back with a live, 5-foot snake wrapped around his neck. He shouted at the cashier, “Give me the money.” The cashier called 911 and pulled out his own firearm. No money was taken and no one was injured. Police took Cook into custody, and also took possession of the snake. The store owner said Mr. Cook’s family came by the store Tuesday to apologize. They also offered to pay for any damages.
* “Look out! It’s loaded – with venom!”
* They also said the snake had fallen in love with the air hose.
* The owner asked if he could have the snake, the gas station has mice.
* Yeah, in Dumb Robbery Rock Paper Scissors, Firearm beats Snake every time.

A Venezuelan man tried robbing a bank in Sandusky, Ohio, using a translator app on his phone. The 20-year-old suspect reportedly held up his phone to the teller. He was using a translator app to tell tellers “get the money” and “put the money in the bag.” When the tellers did not give him any money, he left. Officers found him a short time later, and an officer who spoke Spanish read him his rights and talked to him. The suspect told him he recently lost his job and needed money.
* These kids today, with their cellphones and their rock music.
* Attempted bank robbery translates to, what, 3-5 years?
* Robbing a bank with a translator app? That’s unspeakable!
* He would have gotten away but he took time to type into the translator, “Can I have one of your lollipops, please?”
* He needs an app that can translate back and forth into “Stupid.”

A Missouri man is in jail accused of stealing more than $1,500 worth of vibrators from the Hustler Hollywood store in Berkeley. Police say that Christopher Booth, 34, entered the store and took eight high-end vibrators from the shelves and shoved them – wait for it – in a white trash bag before fleeing. The vibrators, made by Swedish sex toy company LELO, retail for a little less than $200 each.
* “High-end” vibrator? Which end?
* All those vibrators and he couldn’t shake police.
* Now he’s screwed. Ironic!
* Anyway, that’s the buzz from Missouri.

A domestic violence suspect led police on a 45-minute chase on New York’s Long Island Monday, drove off a 100-foot cliff into Long Island Sound, and survived. The wild chain of events started shortly before 11 a.m. when Roger Foster, 56, slashed the tire of a parked car. Someone provided a description of his car to police, an officer spotted the vehicle, and off they went. Foster reached speeds of up to 100mph as he crossed back and forth across eastern Long Island. In Greenport, he turned and headed toward the water, and did not stop. Said one officer, “Never hits the brakes, never slows down. Hits an embankment at the end of the street, goes airborne over the bluff, off the beach, and into Long Island Sound.” The car landed in 3 to 5 feet of water. Officers dived in, pulled the suspect out, and arrested him. Police said he complained of pain but had no visible injuries.
* It was just like that movie, “Thelma and Louise and Roger.”
* I bet he spent some of that time during the chase googling the high tide schedule.
* If they had pulled me out of that car, you know what I would have said? “Damn this stupid self-driving car!”
* Viral marketing for Ryan Gosling’s new stuntman movie, “The Fall Guy”?
* Now here’s Tom Petty with “Learning to Fly.”

There was an exciting front end loader chase in Gwinnett Village, Georgia. A former employee stole a 75,000-pound frontloader from a waste management facility. The suspect drove the loader out of the facility, onto Jimmy Carter Boulevard and continued onto other roads in the area. Police were unable to stop it because of its size, so an employee of the waste management company grabbed another front end loader and gave chase. The two eventually met about five miles from the facility, and the pursuer was able to flip the suspect’s loader onto its side. The 38-year-old suspect was arrested.
* It looked sort of like a slow-motion version of Battlebots.
* Subtlety is not the suspect’s strong suit.
* Maybe stealing a front end loader was on his bucket list.
* Where’s Optimus Prime when you need him?
* Has anybody seen the dump truck?