A Missouri man is in jail accused of stealing more than $1,500 worth of vibrators from the Hustler Hollywood store in Berkeley. Police say that Christopher Booth, 34, entered the store and took eight high-end vibrators from the shelves and shoved them – wait for it – in a white trash bag before fleeing. The vibrators, made by Swedish sex toy company LELO, retail for a little less than $200 each.
* “High-end” vibrator? Which end?
* All those vibrators and he couldn’t shake police.
* Now he’s screwed. Ironic!
* Anyway, that’s the buzz from Missouri.

A domestic violence suspect led police on a 45-minute chase on New York’s Long Island Monday, drove off a 100-foot cliff into Long Island Sound, and survived. The wild chain of events started shortly before 11 a.m. when Roger Foster, 56, slashed the tire of a parked car. Someone provided a description of his car to police, an officer spotted the vehicle, and off they went. Foster reached speeds of up to 100mph as he crossed back and forth across eastern Long Island. In Greenport, he turned and headed toward the water, and did not stop. Said one officer, “Never hits the brakes, never slows down. Hits an embankment at the end of the street, goes airborne over the bluff, off the beach, and into Long Island Sound.” The car landed in 3 to 5 feet of water. Officers dived in, pulled the suspect out, and arrested him. Police said he complained of pain but had no visible injuries.
* It was just like that movie, “Thelma and Louise and Roger.”
* I bet he spent some of that time during the chase googling the high tide schedule.
* If they had pulled me out of that car, you know what I would have said? “Damn this stupid self-driving car!”
* Viral marketing for Ryan Gosling’s new stuntman movie, “The Fall Guy”?
* Now here’s Tom Petty with “Learning to Fly.”

There was an exciting front end loader chase in Gwinnett Village, Georgia. A former employee stole a 75,000-pound frontloader from a waste management facility. The suspect drove the loader out of the facility, onto Jimmy Carter Boulevard and continued onto other roads in the area. Police were unable to stop it because of its size, so an employee of the waste management company grabbed another front end loader and gave chase. The two eventually met about five miles from the facility, and the pursuer was able to flip the suspect’s loader onto its side. The 38-year-old suspect was arrested.
* It looked sort of like a slow-motion version of Battlebots.
* Subtlety is not the suspect’s strong suit.
* Maybe stealing a front end loader was on his bucket list.
* Where’s Optimus Prime when you need him?
* Has anybody seen the dump truck?

Police in Riverside, California, arrested Samuel Pasillas, 47, the pastor of a church in Victorville, alleging that he paid nearly $40,000 to have his daughter’s boyfriend shot in a murder-for-hire plot last year. The shooting took place on the evening of Oct. 21, 2023, and left the man injured. He was shot multiple times from inside a car that pulled up alongside his. He drove himself to a hospital, where he was treated for gunshot wounds. A police investigation revealed that the incident was a murder-for-hire shooting, and that Pastor Pasillas met with the hit men, paid them and provided information on the boyfriend’s whereabouts the night of the shooting.
* No wonder he passed the collection plate around a few times each service.
* They could tell there was a religious connection, because the boyfriend was left holier than thou when they found him.
* Sorry, but if you’re a hit man and your target drives himself to a hospital, you’re not doing it right.
* Usually the bible stops the bullet, not starts them.
* Usually it’s the beginning of winter when you get your shots.

A lady burglar was caught by a security camera around 3 a.m. stretching and doing yoga outside a Richmond, Australia, bakery before she broke into the shop. The 44-year-old female thief could be seen dressed in all black doing several leg and body stretches in the parking lot before breaking into Phillippa’s Bakery, where she allegedly stole the baker’s shoes, an iPad, some cleaning products, and almond croissants. The yoga thief was arrested.
* Police side, “Assume the position,” and she said, “Which one? Lotus? Downward Dog? Cobra?”
* After she ate the croissants, did she do some burpees?
* They asked her what was a good day for a trial, and she said, “I’m flexible.”
* She’ll probably be sentenced to quite a stretch.
* Funny story! It wasn’t easy to find, but we bend over backwards to entertain you.

A stowaway was discovered on a Delta Air Lines plane about to take off from Salt Lake City to Austin, Texas. Once the doors were sealed and the plane began taxiing, the flight staff noticed somebody in the bathroom, yet all the seats were occupied. That person, 26-year-old Wicliff Fleurizard of George, Texas, had no ticket. The plane returned to the gate, and a check revealed Fleurizard on security cameras taking pictures of other people’s boarding passes at that gate without their knowledge. He used one of those photos to get on board the plane and then tried to hide in the front and rear bathrooms. Fleurizard reportedly told investigators he “was only trying get home” from Utah following a snowboarding trip to Park City.
* It took days to get the airplane bathroom smell off him.
* He should have said, “I’m the Bolt Man! I have the bolts for that side door!” They wouldn’t have kicked him off.
* As punishment, of course, they’re going to take him back to Texas. (* Just kidding, Texas! We love you!)
* On a Boeing plane.
* Thanks, Wicliff, for teaching modern terrorists how to get onto a plane.

The police in Toronto, Canada, are encouraging residents to prevent violent encounters with criminals by making it easier for them to steal your car. At a recent community safety meeting, Toronto Police Constable Marco Ricciardi explained it thusly: Car thieves that break into your home really only want your car. So, to prevent the possibility of being attacked in your home, leave your key fobs at your front door. They don’t want anything else, just the keys to your car. There were 12,024 vehicles stolen in Toronto last year, up 3,000 more than the year before.
* And with this idea, they’re hoping to REALLY boost those numbers.
* You might want to also leave some snacks next to the bowl with the keys in it, in case your thieves are hungry.
* And don’t tick them off – keep the tank filled.
* And here I thought they only wanted the diamonds in my wall safe.
* Remember the Toronto Cops motto: We gave up, and so can you.

A California mother-of-three was arrested for allegedly masterminding an organized crime ring that stole nearly $8 million worth of makeup from stores like Ulta, T.J. Maxx and Walgreens — and then re-sold it online for profit. Michelle Mack, 53, ran the enterprise from her $2.75 million home in the San Diego foothills. Mack allegedly paid as many as 12 women to steal from stores across the country, stockpiling the products and then selling them on her Amazon storefront at a fraction of the retail price. Police recovered nearly 10,000 items worth over $387,000 after raiding Mack’s estate. They also found hundreds of postmarked envelopes stuffed with stolen products ready to be sent out to customers
* They’re gonna throw her in the Clinique— I’m sorry, I mean The Clink.
* When they charged her, she didn’t even blush.
* They should give her twenty lashes. Twenty thicker, fuller lashes.
* Next time you’re shopping for makeup and it’s locked behind glass, you’ll know who to thank.
* “Sorry, kids, but we’re going to have to put your mommy in a really, really long Time Out.”

Last Wednesday in Akron, Ohio, a man walked up to the register at a Save A Lot grocery store and handed over some money to buy something. He then told the clerk he had a gun and demanded money from the register. Another clerk sounded the alarm, causing the man to run out of the store without any money from the till, and without collecting the change from his purchase. The robber left with less money than he came in with.
* He needs a job to support his robbery career.
* He didn’t stay for his change? He has no cents.
* As he was leaving you could hear him muttering “Save a Lot my eye!”
* You report for work, you do the job, and you actually lose money. It’s like driving an Uber.
* What was he buying? The book “Robbery for Dummies”?

A Pennsylvania judge is charged with first-degree attempted murder after she allegedly shot her ex-boyfriend in the head and then tried to convince him that he shot himself. The victim, Michael McCoy, had told his girlfriend, Magisterial District Judge Sonya McKnight, that their relationship was over. She wouldn’t leave the house. He went out to a bar, came home, went to bed, then “woke up with massive head pain” and could not see. He said McKnight was screaming at him, “Mike what did you do to yourself!” and called 911, telling the dispatcher that she did not know what happened because she was sleeping and woke up to him screaming. Detectives determined that McKnight’s interview with them “was found to be deceptive” and the gun used was registered to her. Plus, they found gun residue on her hands. Police say McCoy, 54, suffered a single gunshot wound that entered near his right temple and exited near the left temple. He is now blind in his right eye.
* Worst gaslighting ever.
* “You totally shot yourself. I sat here and watched you do it.” Not much of a defense.
* Earlier that day: “C’mon, Sonya – I need a girl who won’t let go like I need a hole in the head.”
* On the bright side, there’s no bullet stuck in there to set off metal detectors the rest of his life.
* Imagine this woman in court: “Yo, a little professional courtesy, your honor? Judge to judge?”