A Madison, Wisconsin, woman is behind bars after she allegedly broke into a home and then cooked herself a nice dinner. The tenant in the house came home and discovered someone inside with all the lights on. She called the cops, who arrived to find Joanna Kelly Lee at the door, insisting that she had met the resident at a coffee shop earlier and had been given keys to the house. The resident denied that ever happened. Investigators later found that Lee invented the story after looking through the resident’s mail. Lee had been in the house long enough to cook herself a shrimp and pasta dinner.
* She was arrested for breaking and eatering.
* Folks, never go out burglaring on an empty stomach.
* Her dinner was fishy, and so was her cover story.
* “Hold on, officers, let me see if she has anything for dessert.”
* The homeowner said she’d drop the charges if Lee would share her recipe.

Two men with the same name who paired up for a 10-day crime spree in England have been jailed. There’s Bernie McDonagh, 56, of Romford, and then there’s Bernie McDonagh, 35, of Coventry. During 10 days in August, the two men with the same name traveled around Warwickshire, England in a black Lexus, targeting homes and stealing items including a TV, jewelry, and a yellow floral pillow case. The men were caught on security cameras multiple time driving in the Lexus up to a home that they then burglarized. The older Bernie McDonagh was sentenced to four years, nine months. The younger Bernie McDonagh was sentenced to two years in prison.
* Odd that they not only have the same name, but the same hobby.
* Did they use the yellow floral pillow case to carry the stolen jewelry, or was it just a really adorable pillow case?
* “Hi, I’m Larry, this is my brother Bernie, and this is my other brother Bernie.”
* At least it made the job easier for whoever filled out the arrest report. Fill it in once and duplicate it.
* This story brought to you by Ancestry Dot Com.

A wanted suspect in Lubbock, Texas, was captured by a police robot. Felix Delarosa, 39, had barricaded himself inside a Days Inn motel room, when he was struck by a sheriff’s office sniper. Police then sent a bomb squad robot in to spray tear gas through a broken window. Delarosa first fired a shot at the robot and then threw bedding over it to block the gas from coming into the room. The robot arm tossed off the sheet and then ran over Delarosa, pinning him to the ground outside the hotel room. He eventually surrendered.
* Maybe not as cool as Robocop, but it got the job done.
* “You have five seconds to comply, or I will sit on you.”
* In jail: “Hey, Delarosa, what’s with the tread marks on your chest?” “Shut up.”
* This is fine but when are they going to start rolling out those Boston Dynamics robot dogs?
* Let’s pause for a moment in sympathy for the next person to get that Days Inn motel room.

It’s one thing to steal a jar of money from a kid’s lemonade stand. It’s another to steal the entire stand. It happened in Ramona, California. Eleven-year-old Liam Rader had set up a lemonade stand to earn some money towards a dirt bike. He has been selling lemonade at the corner for about a year and a half. Liam ran home to get more cups. He came back — the table and chairs were gone. Security video from a nearby business captured a silver pickup truck driving past the lemonade stand and then turning around and pulling up next to it. Halfway through loading it into his truck, the thief picks up and reads the sign: ‘Lemonade. Small $1, Large is $3. Saving for a dirt bike. Anything helps. Thank you.’ Liam had paid $100 for the table and chairs from his earnings.
* Maybe it was a dissatisfied customer – not enough ice.
* When life gives you lemons, take lemonade stands.
* I hope this didn’t leave a bitter taste in his mouth.
* The sad part? If he had the dirt bike he could’ve gotten back to his lemonade stand quicker.
* I’m sure there’s a crowd funding site by now and little Liam probably has enough for a dirt bike, a hoverboard and a jet-ski.

Police in Peel, Canada, just outside Toronto, answered a call about a suspicious Ford Bronco at a Tim Horton’s drive-thru. They located the vehicle and determined that it had been stolen. Officers surrounded the stolen vehicle with a number of cruisers, boxing in the suspect. An officer then got out of his vehicle and pointed a gun at the driver. That’s when the Bronco accelerated forward, attempting to drive over a police cruiser to escape. It didn’t work. He made it as far as the hood of the car, shattering the windshield. The driver eventually climbed out of the passenger-side window, and officers then tased and tackled him. The scene unfolded on a warm evening while it was still light out, before a crowd of onlookers.
* …who all said, “Cool, eh?”
* Except for the customers in the drive-thru lane honking at police to get out of the way. Canadians do love their Tim Horton’s.
* Sorry, pal, Ford Broncos are okay, but they’re no Monster Trucks.
* You try to be fast and furious, you end up shocked and stymied.

In Springfield, Massachusetts, police saw a speeding car run a stop sign. The car sped up once the officers turned on their emergency lights, but it then got stuck in traffic and pulled over. The driver, 38-year-old Alexander Negron of Chicopee, was arrested. From the car, police seized a loaded gun with a 50 round magazine, more than $1500 in cash, 60 bags of suspected heroin, 14 bags of crack-cocaine, and an additional 200 bags of heroin.
* So that’s $75 for running the stop sign, and 30 years in prison for the rest of it.
* He was thinking “The quicker I leave the city limits, the quicker I can relax.”
* Yet another reason to take an Uber.

The Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin Police Department pulled over a woman going 60 in a 30 mile-per-hour zone. After a bit of difficulty – she kept taking off and then stopping again – they arrested 35-year-old Mallory Griffin. Back at the police station, an officer asked if she had any bruises. Griffin said, “Do you want me to get undressed? Do you want to see it?” Then she started doing yoga poses. “Can you do what I can do? Can you do this and you’re a cop?” she asked. “And I haven’t worked out in three years.” Police determined she was under the influence of something. She was charged with a DWI and other offenses.
* A variety of charges, because the police were … flexible.
* She was simultaneously well-balanced and a little unbalanced.
* She could be aiming for a stretch in prison.
* What a poser.

A Florida Man stole an electric cart from a Walmart in Lakeland, then took off for a near mile-long chase. The man, identified as “Troy,” shoplifted several items of jewelry and hand-held game devices, loaded them onto one of Walmart’s electric shopping carts and took off, hitting speeds up to 2 miles per hour. Someone called the police to report an electric shopping cart along the highway. Deputies quickly caught up to him. Troy was charged with grand theft and unlawful possession of a shopping cart, a real crime in Florida.
* Grand-pa Theft Auto.
* Everything moves a little slower in Florida.
* 2 miles an hour? Did they try, like, walking alongside of it and flipping the “Off” switch?
* Well, it’s nice that the electric cart got to see a little of the town.

Four Los Angeles County men have been indicted for several armed robberies of mostly 7-Eleven stores in South Los Angeles during a nearly two-month crime spree. They were caught when one of them allegedly posted a photo on Instagram of himself holding some of the stolen cash. Investigators discovered an Instagram post of one of the suspects, Jordan Leonard, who posted a photograph of himself on Instagram holding stacks of cash stolen the same day from a 7-Eleven store in South Los Angeles. He captioned it “love my bros we go hit every time.” He also tagged the Instagram accounts of two of the other robbers.
* They should also charge him with felony abuse of grammar.
* He posted on Instagram ’cause he didn’t have any business cards to leave at the crime scene.
* Sometimes you should just stick with pictures of the food you’re about to eat.
* They could save a step and use that picture as his mugshot photo.

Ninety giant African snails were confiscated by US Customs and Border Protection at the Detroit Airport. An odd odor coming from a passenger’s bag tipped off agriculture specialists. The passenger was arriving from the West African country of Ghana. The African snails – ranging from 3 to 6 inches long – were subsequently seized, according to customs agents. The Giant African land snail is one of the most damaging snails in the world because they consume at least 500 different types of plants, can cause structural damage to plaster and stucco, and can carry a parasite lungworm. They grow up to eight inches in length and more than four inches in diameter. It is believed the snails were intended to be eaten.
* Boy, airplane food has really gone downhill.
* Unless they were being flown in to appear as a dinner in the next season of The Bear.
* “Please, these are my emotional support snails! This is Charlie, this is Anna, this one is Lester …”
* I guess when it comes to bad odors from luggage, this could have been much much worse.
* It’s lucky they caught the snails. The TSA was having trouble keeping up with them.