Officers stopped a man and a woman driving a stolen car in Southeast Portland, Oregon. They searched the car and discovered cash, a loaded revolver, two scales — and a bag that had “Definitely not a bag full of drugs” printed on it. Inside that bag was… drugs – methamphetamine and fentanyl. The couple in the car were arrested.
* Oh, come on, everybody lies these days. It’s expected.
* So listen, folks. Don’t print “Definitely not a bag full of drugs” on your bag full of drugs. It doesn’t actually keep police from looking inside.
* Police were tipped off ’cause the side of the car said “Definitely not a stolen car.”
* I hope they charge them with a felony attempt at irony.

After robbing a Brooklyn, New York, bank, the robber went on the run. But he was captured later that morning after he stopped for breakfast at a Lower East Side Chinese restaurant. A tracking device hidden in the stolen cash led cops to the New Kim Tuong Restaurant, where the suspect ordered some shrimp fried rice, and sat down to eat before leaving. Police took the man into custody without incident.
* His fortune cookie said, “Expect the unexpected.”
* It also said, “Your lucky numbers are 8-to-10, with good behavior.”
* He would have gotten away if he hadn’t waited for them to box up the leftovers.
* Of course, he was hungry again by the time they got him to the station.
* The lesson here is: No more exploding dye packs in stolen money – they’re using tracking devices now – so, heads up, bank robbers!

A Washington State Patrol trooper stopped a driver in the HOV lane for having his passenger seat dressed in a plaid shirt. The driver was stopped during the morning commute earlier this week on northbound Interstate 405 in Renton. Instead of the required passenger for the carpool lane, the driver had dressed the passenger seat in a large plaid shirt in an apparent attempt to make it seem like they had a person sitting in it. The fine was $186, plus an additional $200 if you try to pass off a dummy as a passenger.
* In this case, the driver was the dummy.
* They should throw in another $100 for lack of effort.
* $186! Dress your seat in a shirt, they take the shirt off your back.
* “But officer, this is my good friend Calvin Klein.”

A Madison, Wisconsin, woman is behind bars after she allegedly broke into a home and then cooked herself a nice dinner. The tenant in the house came home and discovered someone inside with all the lights on. She called the cops, who arrived to find Joanna Kelly Lee at the door, insisting that she had met the resident at a coffee shop earlier and had been given keys to the house. The resident denied that ever happened. Investigators later found that Lee invented the story after looking through the resident’s mail. Lee had been in the house long enough to cook herself a shrimp and pasta dinner.
* She was arrested for breaking and eatering.
* Folks, never go out burglaring on an empty stomach.
* Her dinner was fishy, and so was her cover story.
* “Hold on, officers, let me see if she has anything for dessert.”
* The homeowner said she’d drop the charges if Lee would share her recipe.

Two men with the same name who paired up for a 10-day crime spree in England have been jailed. There’s Bernie McDonagh, 56, of Romford, and then there’s Bernie McDonagh, 35, of Coventry. During 10 days in August, the two men with the same name traveled around Warwickshire, England in a black Lexus, targeting homes and stealing items including a TV, jewelry, and a yellow floral pillow case. The men were caught on security cameras multiple time driving in the Lexus up to a home that they then burglarized. The older Bernie McDonagh was sentenced to four years, nine months. The younger Bernie McDonagh was sentenced to two years in prison.
* Odd that they not only have the same name, but the same hobby.
* Did they use the yellow floral pillow case to carry the stolen jewelry, or was it just a really adorable pillow case?
* “Hi, I’m Larry, this is my brother Bernie, and this is my other brother Bernie.”
* At least it made the job easier for whoever filled out the arrest report. Fill it in once and duplicate it.
* This story brought to you by Ancestry Dot Com.

A wanted suspect in Lubbock, Texas, was captured by a police robot. Felix Delarosa, 39, had barricaded himself inside a Days Inn motel room, when he was struck by a sheriff’s office sniper. Police then sent a bomb squad robot in to spray tear gas through a broken window. Delarosa first fired a shot at the robot and then threw bedding over it to block the gas from coming into the room. The robot arm tossed off the sheet and then ran over Delarosa, pinning him to the ground outside the hotel room. He eventually surrendered.
* Maybe not as cool as Robocop, but it got the job done.
* “You have five seconds to comply, or I will sit on you.”
* In jail: “Hey, Delarosa, what’s with the tread marks on your chest?” “Shut up.”
* This is fine but when are they going to start rolling out those Boston Dynamics robot dogs?
* Let’s pause for a moment in sympathy for the next person to get that Days Inn motel room.

It’s one thing to steal a jar of money from a kid’s lemonade stand. It’s another to steal the entire stand. It happened in Ramona, California. Eleven-year-old Liam Rader had set up a lemonade stand to earn some money towards a dirt bike. He has been selling lemonade at the corner for about a year and a half. Liam ran home to get more cups. He came back — the table and chairs were gone. Security video from a nearby business captured a silver pickup truck driving past the lemonade stand and then turning around and pulling up next to it. Halfway through loading it into his truck, the thief picks up and reads the sign: ‘Lemonade. Small $1, Large is $3. Saving for a dirt bike. Anything helps. Thank you.’ Liam had paid $100 for the table and chairs from his earnings.
* Maybe it was a dissatisfied customer – not enough ice.
* When life gives you lemons, take lemonade stands.
* I hope this didn’t leave a bitter taste in his mouth.
* The sad part? If he had the dirt bike he could’ve gotten back to his lemonade stand quicker.
* I’m sure there’s a crowd funding site by now and little Liam probably has enough for a dirt bike, a hoverboard and a jet-ski.

Police in Peel, Canada, just outside Toronto, answered a call about a suspicious Ford Bronco at a Tim Horton’s drive-thru. They located the vehicle and determined that it had been stolen. Officers surrounded the stolen vehicle with a number of cruisers, boxing in the suspect. An officer then got out of his vehicle and pointed a gun at the driver. That’s when the Bronco accelerated forward, attempting to drive over a police cruiser to escape. It didn’t work. He made it as far as the hood of the car, shattering the windshield. The driver eventually climbed out of the passenger-side window, and officers then tased and tackled him. The scene unfolded on a warm evening while it was still light out, before a crowd of onlookers.
* …who all said, “Cool, eh?”
* Except for the customers in the drive-thru lane honking at police to get out of the way. Canadians do love their Tim Horton’s.
* Sorry, pal, Ford Broncos are okay, but they’re no Monster Trucks.
* You try to be fast and furious, you end up shocked and stymied.

In Springfield, Massachusetts, police saw a speeding car run a stop sign. The car sped up once the officers turned on their emergency lights, but it then got stuck in traffic and pulled over. The driver, 38-year-old Alexander Negron of Chicopee, was arrested. From the car, police seized a loaded gun with a 50 round magazine, more than $1500 in cash, 60 bags of suspected heroin, 14 bags of crack-cocaine, and an additional 200 bags of heroin.
* So that’s $75 for running the stop sign, and 30 years in prison for the rest of it.
* He was thinking “The quicker I leave the city limits, the quicker I can relax.”
* Yet another reason to take an Uber.

The Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin Police Department pulled over a woman going 60 in a 30 mile-per-hour zone. After a bit of difficulty – she kept taking off and then stopping again – they arrested 35-year-old Mallory Griffin. Back at the police station, an officer asked if she had any bruises. Griffin said, “Do you want me to get undressed? Do you want to see it?” Then she started doing yoga poses. “Can you do what I can do? Can you do this and you’re a cop?” she asked. “And I haven’t worked out in three years.” Police determined she was under the influence of something. She was charged with a DWI and other offenses.
* A variety of charges, because the police were … flexible.
* She was simultaneously well-balanced and a little unbalanced.
* She could be aiming for a stretch in prison.
* What a poser.