An Oklahoma judge agreed to step down after she was caught sending hundreds of texts from the bench while overseeing a murder trial. District Judge Traci Soderstrom was found to have sent more than 500 texts during the trial. Security video showed her texting for minutes at a time during jury selection, opening statements and testimony during the trial. In some of those texts she mocked prosecutors, laughed at the bailiff’s comment about a prosecutor’s genitals, called the defense attorney “awesome” and called the prosecutor’s key witness a liar. Soderstrom had been scheduled to go on trial in a special court, but she resigned. She also agreed to not seek judicial office again in Oklahoma.
* Try Silicon Valley. They go for that kind of stuff there.
* And don’t even get me started on her OnlyFans site.
* It’s a murder trial. How interesting can it be?
* She would have resigned earlier, but she spent two weeks going down rabbit holes on YouTube.
* One giveaway was when she told the prosecutor, “Show me your briefs, LOL, OMG, ROTFL.”

A man in Patterson, New York, has been charged with spray-painting squirrels. Mark Kuhn, 62, told authorities he didn’t want the squirrels in his backyard because they made his dogs bark, and he felt by spray-painting them they wouldn’t come back. He would trap them in cages and spray them with red Rust-Oleum Paint and Primer before releasing them about a quarter-mile away. The spray paint was so he’d be able to tell if it’s the same squirrels coming back. Kuhn was charged with attempting to poison animals.
* … which would have killed them instantly, and no one would have known. Oh, Mark, Mark …
* Caught red-fingered!
* On squirrels, you gotta use the primer for a smooth, even coat.
* Meanwhile, the squirrels are thinking: “You idiot! We’re Summers! Red is not our color!!”
* Time to buy some hawks.

A Subway customer allegedly threw a sub at a store clerk because the sandwich wasn’t cut in half. Alberto De Barros, 54, was arrested for battery following a night-time confrontation at a Subway shop in Stuart, Florida. Subway worker Cassandra Pierre-Louis said De Barros “became upset with her after finding out that his sandwich was not separated,” and became disruptive, throwing the sub, which struck Pierre-Louis in her mid-section.
* Mid-section – so, the part of the body the sub goes to when you eat it.
* It’s lucky he didn’t order the club sandwich.
* The sub had everything on it, including a little topspin.
* There hasn’t been a sub launching this wild since the USS Iowa last summer.
* The alternative would be to say “Excuse me, would you please cut this sandwich in half?” But that would be CRAZY!
* Could have been worse, he could have forced her to eat it.
* Great. Now when he goes to Subway, he’ll take along a butcher knife.

An Alabama man is in custody for some hijinks at a Bass Pro Shop in Leeds. The 42-year-old man first drove his vehicle into a pole in the store parking lot. After the crash, he got out of his vehicle, took off his clothes, ran into the Bass Pro Shop and jumped into the aquarium, doing a cannonball. Then he stood under the waterfall. As two police officers approached, the man exited the water, yelled something to the officers and then dove back into the water. Then he climbed over the side of the aquarium and dropped to the concrete floor below, knocking himself out in the fall. Officers handcuffed the man, who then woke up and began to try to struggle. He was taken to a hospital for a mental evaluation.
* Worst Aquaman promotional stunt ever.
* Ladies and gentlemen, the Alabama Olympic diving team, ready for the summer Olympics!
* Did they tackle him in the tackle section of the store?
* “Let’s put aquariums and waterfalls in our stores! It’ll be great!” Yeah, right.
* The best part? The cost of the water attractions has to be added to the price of everything they sell.