Edward Kang, a 20-year-old gamer who lives in New Jersey, has been arrested for allegedly flying to Fernandina Beach, Florida, to attack a fellow gamer with a hammer following an “online altercation” that the pair got into while playing the online video game ArcheAge. The victim’s stepfather was awakened in the middle of the night by screams for help, and he found his stepson on the ground in a physical struggle with Kang, who was wearing all black clothing, gloves and a mask, and carrying a flashlight and a hammer. Kang had walked into the unlocked house late at night and waited in a hallway to attack the victim when he took a bathroom break during a late-night gaming session. The victim suffered severe but non-life-threatening head injuries. When Kang was asked why he did it, he stated that the victim “is a bad person online.”
* There aren’t enough hammers in the world to take care of all the “bad persons online.”
* The victim might be a “bad person online,” but Edward Kang is a bad person in the real world.
* Usually gamers drink energy drinks, they don’t get hammered.
* Who would do something that crazy? Fly in an airplane these days, I mean.

A wealthy couple is accused of poisoning their neighbor’s trees to improve their million-dollar view of Maine’s Camden Harbor. The alleged poisoners are from Missouri. Their vacation house is up a hill overlooking the harbor and the Atlantic Ocean, but apparently the view is not good enough – there were two old oak trees in the way. The woman, Amelia Bond, brought herbicide from Missouri in 2021 and applied it near the oak trees. When the trees and other vegetation began dying, Amelia pointed out to the property owners that the trees didn’t look good and offered to share the cost of removing them. THAT was the fatal flaw in their plan. Instead, the neighbor had her trees tested, revealing the poison. The Bonds were made to pay more than $1.7 million in fines and settlements, but the trees are now gone and the harbor view from the Bond’s home is improved. But the herbicide now has leached into a neighboring park and beach, leaving the Bonds on the hook for further environmental monitoring and remediation. In addition, the Bonds are no longer members of the Camden Yacht Club.
* “The name is Bond … Dickwad Bond.”
* I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the drunken time.
* So, the opposite of tree huggers.
* Just like the rich: plenty of money but too cheap to hire a henchman to pull off the crime.

In Seattle, Washington, a man became irate when he heard how much his drive-thru coffee was going to cost. He started arguing at the window with Emma Lee, barista and owner of ‘Taste of Heaven Espresso.’ Customers tried to step in and talk the man down, but things quickly escalated. He threatened her, and then threw his coffee at her. But Emma Lee was faster and slammed her window shut. Then, she whipped out a hammer, leaned out and smashed it into his windshield. Even with a smashed windshield, Lee said he refused to leave, so she called the cops, and they got him to leave. Interviewed by local news, Emma Lee said, “At what point are we told we’re supposed to just wait for it to get worse?”
* “Barista Vigilantes.” If that were a show I’d watch it.
* She keeps a hammer within reach? Nice neighborhood.
* Usually you go to a coffee place to sober up from getting hammered.
* If only there was some way to let drive-thru customers know how much items cost before they order them.
* If the coffee price made him mad, wait ’til he gets his windshield replaced.
* As the owner and sole employee, I’m sure she reprimanded herself and put this on her own permanent record.

A Tennessee man apparently became enamored of the clerk working at a convenience store he frequented. Police say 26-year-old Dustin Burgett walked into the Bonnertown Store & Deli and asked the 19-year-old clerk to marry him. She told him no – that she had a family, a boyfriend, and she wasn’t interested. He left the store, but later came back in his pickup truck, walked up to the clerk outside the store, pulled a bouquet of roses from behind his back and asked again. The clerk again said no, so Burgett then pulled a knife from his overalls (* Overalls! Oh THAT’S a nice touch!) and told her that if he didn’t get married that day to somebody, then somebody was going to die. The woman – along with another clerk – ran inside the store and they locked themselves in the bathroom. Police were called. In his truck was $3,600 in cash, a loaded shotgun, a ring and a bouquet of red roses. Police later determined that Mr. Burgett was undergoing some mental stress, and in the end he was charged with aggravated assault.
* Don’t you love these ‘meet cute’ stories?
* And here he had them registered at the convenience store and everything.
* Trying to marry the clerk where you shop is taking the concept of convenience a little too far.
* He still didn’t get it. As they took him away, he asked if she’d wait for him.
* He should have no problem finding a jailhouse bride.

Marion County Sheriff’s Officers in Belleview, Florida, came upon a motorist unconscious behind the wheel of his idling vehicle at around 2 a.m. When the man was awakened by the officer knocking on his window, he burst into song, singing along to the radio and obviously impaired. When asked how much he had to drink, the driver responded: “Not enough.” The 35-year-old man told deputies he believed his vehicle was on the shoulder of the road. However, deputies pointed out it was actually in a turn lane. He refused to do a field sobriety test and was arrested and charged with driving under the influence. It’s not known exactly what he was singing.
* “Jailhouse Blues,” eventually.
* You know where guys like him end up? Sing Sing.
* He ended on a high note. And boy, was he high.
* I blame “Carpool Karaoke.”

A 53-year-old Florida boat captain was out with a large group of tourists when he fell off the boat. Police say John Edward Beckwith, the captain of the Clearwater Fun Boat, was intoxicated to the point where he fell off the pontoon boat. There were 30 tourists on the boat at the time. Other employees of the business said that Beckwith arrived at work stumbling and had food all over his face. According to the Clearwater Fun Boat information page, guests enjoy a “cozy and enjoyable ride. Cruise the stunning Clearwater Beach waters while indulging in a delicious ice cream sundae, and keep your eyes peeled for playful dolphins dancing in the waves alongside our family-friendly boat.”
* Sounds like Captain Beckwith had just finished a parley with Captain Morgan.
* Clearwater Bay wasn’t the only thing polluted that day.
* Finally, someone who really WAS “three sheets to the wind.”
* “Hey, look – a manatee! Oh, wait, that’s the captain.”
* The Clearwater Fun Boat is pretty much fun. Then the hangover sets in.

In Oroville, California, a 9-year-old boy took his mother’s car and attempted to drive it to school. An officer first spotted a gray Volkswagen sedan stopped in the middle of an intersection on Wednesday morning. The officer instructed the driver to move the car, but the vehicle sped off and led police on a short, erratic chase that ended in a dirt parking lot just blocks away from Plumas Avenue Elementary School. After coming to a stop, the car reversed suddenly and smashed into the front of a police cruiser. The officer discovered that the driver was a 9-year-old boy, who said he just wanted to drive himself to school. His parents were called, and the officer delivered him to the school.
* Oh, that’s a horrible punishment!
* They made him stay after school to work on his parking.
* Give him a special lesson on how Uber and Lyft work.
* The kid’s grounded – oh, until we land on Mars or George R.R. Martin finishes “A Song of Ice and Fire,” whichever comes first.
* Finally, an American child who just can’t get to school fast enough.

Two pilots with Indonesia’s Batik Air fell asleep during a recent flight. According to the country’s National Transportation Safety Committee, both the pilot and co-pilot fell asleep at the same time for 28 minutes during a flight from Kendari to the capital Jakarta. It came to air traffic control’s attention when they noticed “the aircraft was not in the correct flight path.” The pilots were eventually awakened, and successfully landed in Jakarta.
* When you find out the pilot and co-pilot are sleeping together, this is not what you want to hear.
* What the hell? Did they think they were driving a Tesla?
* They never should have installed those Lay-Z-Boy recliners in the cockpit.
* Boy, I wish I could fall asleep on a plane that easy.
* I guess it’s a nice change from planes with parts falling off them.

Two Ohio women propped up a man’s corpse in his car in order to withdraw money from his bank account. The two women, Loreen Bea Feralo, 55, and Karen Casbohm, 63, lived with 80-year-old Douglas Layman at his home in Ashtabula – until Mr. Layman suddenly passed away. The two women allegedly took Layman’s corpse and placed it in the front passenger seat of his car and then headed to a nearby bank’s drive-thru window. The bank had previously allowed the women to withdraw money from Layman’s account as long as he was accompanying them. The women were able to withdraw $900. They then dropped the body off at a hospital emergency room. The manner of Mr. Layman’s death is under investigation.
* But all signs point to “living too long” as the cause.
* My father used to call the right front seat “the death seat.” Who knew?
* The drive-thru bank teller didn’t notice Layman was dead. That’s the kind of sparkling personality he had.
* The smart thing to do would be to tell police they withdrew the money to buy a coffin.
* This little escapade obviously has similarities to the movie “Weekend at Bernies,” only this is a lot funnier.

A small-time Nashville thrash metal rock band named Llorona shared this story on its Instagram page. They say that their vocalist “Diego” admitted to slipping the female hormone estrogen to another band member in an attempt to make himself look more manly in comparison, so he could “swoop in” and steal the other man’s girlfriend. He said he was obsessed with the woman. Diego had been slipping estrogen into the bandmate’s water for five months, causing the bandmate to start seeing a doctor for stomach ulcers, weight loss, and muscle fatigue, as well as mental changes. He is continuing to receive medical care to get his hormone levels back in balance. Diego has been kicked out of the band.
* They’ll know his hormone levels have normalized when he starts leaving the toilet seat up again.
* Probably the biggest upshot of all this is, the band’s next record is an album of Michael Buble covers. (or: Billie Eilish, Air Supply, Dan Fogelberg, Seals and Crofts, to pick a few)
* The first sign something was wrong was when he couldn’t stop watching “Mamma Mia!”
* My god, it’s the Geddy Lee incident all over again.
* Now Keith Richards is on the phone wondering where he can score some of that stuff.