At Purdue University in Indiana, the Boilermakers played their football season opener on August 1st. There was a promotional contest – a student was selected to try and kick three field goals in 30 seconds. If they did, they would win a two-year car lease. With a crowd of nearly 60,000 people cheering him on during a timeout, Zachary Spangler made successful kicks from 20, 30 and 40 yards on Rohrman Field. However, five days later the student was informed that he had actually lost. In an email to Spangler, an official from the dealership said their insurance company reviewed video of the event and his “40-yard field goal was not kicked in time by five one-hundredths of a second.” The dealer, Rohrman Automotive Group – whom the field is named after – told the kid he’d get a $250 consolation prize. But, intense public criticism forced Rohrman’s hand, and Spangler was offered the original lease deal or $5,000 in cash. School officials say the competition would have different rules in the future to avoid this issue.
* One of the new rules: No Jerk Car Dealership Sponsors.
* Rohrman Automotive: We treat every customer like a college student contest winner.
* But just look at all the great publicity they’re getting now for a lousy $5,000!
* Take the five grand and go buy an e-bike, kid. You’ll be better off.

In Brooklyn, New York, a 9-year-old boy who headed off to school at 7 a.m never made it. Police were called to the scene, and a search began. Chopper 2 from New York’s CBS affiliate took to the skies to search. WCBS-TV chopper reporter Dan Rice very soon spotted the boy sitting on the rooftop of the family’s building, looking at his iPad. Rice called the police, who went up to the roof and retrieved the boy and his computer and his book bag and took the child down to his mother.
* It’s getting harder and harder to cut school these days, isn’t it.
* Kid’s got a good story for “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” now.
* WCBS-TV News, Number One in snitching!
* What do you suppose the difference in price is between a police search including an emergency helicopter flight, and an Apple Air Tag in the kid’s backpack?
* The takeaway for kids in Brooklyn skipping school: Roof – no, Underground parking garage – yes.

A Russian chess player has been suspended by the Russian Chess Federation and is facing time in jail after she tried to poison her opponent at a chess tournament. The incident happened at the Dagestan, Russia, Chess Championship. Contestant Umayganat Osmanova began feeling unwell 30 minutes into the game, complaining of nausea and dizziness. Doctors eventually concluded that poisoning was a likely cause. A review of security camera footage before the game clearly showed her opponent, Amina Abakarova, 40, walking over to the chess board before anyone else was in the room. She calmly smeared something on the table in front of one side of the board, and dipped at least one chess piece into the substance. That substance was later determined to be mercury from a thermometer. Abakarova later confessed that she wanted to “knock her opponent out of the tournament,” because a week earlier Osmanova had beaten her. Abakarova is temporarily suspended from Russian chess events.
* She was immediately detained and then hired by Vladimir Putin.
* Russia: where poisoning your opponent will earn you a suspension.
* One clue was that the pawns were little undertakers.
* All the evidence was there in black and white.
* Oh, those mercurial chess prodigies!

A woman and and her two daughters are in trouble for attacking a Sam’s Club worker in Atlanta, Georgia, because they couldn’t order pizza. The store was shutting down for the night when- two minutes before closing – the woman and her adult daughters went up to the club cafe and asked to order two whole pizzas. The lady behind the counter told them it was too late to place their order. The family started calling her names. Then, the mother walked behind the counter and punched the worker in the face. One of the daughters joined the fight. Sam’s Club intervened to break up the fight. The women have been charged with battery.
* They need to rename it Sam’s Fight Club.
* Time to bring back the Covid counter barricades.
* You know what would have prevented this? One of those 100-count bags of Snickers that Sam’s Club sells. Those help when you’re hangry.
* If only Atlanta had other places to get some pizza.

In Edina, Minnesota, a woman was arrested for allegedly tossing a live tarantula at her renter during a fight. Marisa Simonetti, 30, rented a room to Jackie Vasquez several weeks earlier via a short-term rental website — but claims Vasquez refused to get out when the contract was up. The fight erupted when Simonetti accused Vasquez of being a squatter. Vasquez said Simonetti threw the tarantula and other pieces of junk at her during the dispute. As a side note, Simonetti is planning on running for Hennepin County Commissioner. She says, “I’m good at creatively solving problems, and at the end of the day, I didn’t physically harm anybody.”
* Any politician who can spin the facts that good deserves your vote.
* She throws tarantulas. She’d make a good Bond villain.
* Not-So-Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Lady.
* Good luck finding another renter now that the world knows there’s a tarantula loose in the house.
* On the bright side, the cockroaches are gone.

Edward Kang, a 20-year-old gamer who lives in New Jersey, has been arrested for allegedly flying to Fernandina Beach, Florida, to attack a fellow gamer with a hammer following an “online altercation” that the pair got into while playing the online video game ArcheAge. The victim’s stepfather was awakened in the middle of the night by screams for help, and he found his stepson on the ground in a physical struggle with Kang, who was wearing all black clothing, gloves and a mask, and carrying a flashlight and a hammer. Kang had walked into the unlocked house late at night and waited in a hallway to attack the victim when he took a bathroom break during a late-night gaming session. The victim suffered severe but non-life-threatening head injuries. When Kang was asked why he did it, he stated that the victim “is a bad person online.”
* There aren’t enough hammers in the world to take care of all the “bad persons online.”
* The victim might be a “bad person online,” but Edward Kang is a bad person in the real world.
* Usually gamers drink energy drinks, they don’t get hammered.
* Who would do something that crazy? Fly in an airplane these days, I mean.

A wealthy couple is accused of poisoning their neighbor’s trees to improve their million-dollar view of Maine’s Camden Harbor. The alleged poisoners are from Missouri. Their vacation house is up a hill overlooking the harbor and the Atlantic Ocean, but apparently the view is not good enough – there were two old oak trees in the way. The woman, Amelia Bond, brought herbicide from Missouri in 2021 and applied it near the oak trees. When the trees and other vegetation began dying, Amelia pointed out to the property owners that the trees didn’t look good and offered to share the cost of removing them. THAT was the fatal flaw in their plan. Instead, the neighbor had her trees tested, revealing the poison. The Bonds were made to pay more than $1.7 million in fines and settlements, but the trees are now gone and the harbor view from the Bond’s home is improved. But the herbicide now has leached into a neighboring park and beach, leaving the Bonds on the hook for further environmental monitoring and remediation. In addition, the Bonds are no longer members of the Camden Yacht Club.
* “The name is Bond … Dickwad Bond.”
* I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the drunken time.
* So, the opposite of tree huggers.
* Just like the rich: plenty of money but too cheap to hire a henchman to pull off the crime.

In Seattle, Washington, a man became irate when he heard how much his drive-thru coffee was going to cost. He started arguing at the window with Emma Lee, barista and owner of ‘Taste of Heaven Espresso.’ Customers tried to step in and talk the man down, but things quickly escalated. He threatened her, and then threw his coffee at her. But Emma Lee was faster and slammed her window shut. Then, she whipped out a hammer, leaned out and smashed it into his windshield. Even with a smashed windshield, Lee said he refused to leave, so she called the cops, and they got him to leave. Interviewed by local news, Emma Lee said, “At what point are we told we’re supposed to just wait for it to get worse?”
* “Barista Vigilantes.” If that were a show I’d watch it.
* She keeps a hammer within reach? Nice neighborhood.
* Usually you go to a coffee place to sober up from getting hammered.
* If only there was some way to let drive-thru customers know how much items cost before they order them.
* If the coffee price made him mad, wait ’til he gets his windshield replaced.
* As the owner and sole employee, I’m sure she reprimanded herself and put this on her own permanent record.

A Tennessee man apparently became enamored of the clerk working at a convenience store he frequented. Police say 26-year-old Dustin Burgett walked into the Bonnertown Store & Deli and asked the 19-year-old clerk to marry him. She told him no – that she had a family, a boyfriend, and she wasn’t interested. He left the store, but later came back in his pickup truck, walked up to the clerk outside the store, pulled a bouquet of roses from behind his back and asked again. The clerk again said no, so Burgett then pulled a knife from his overalls (* Overalls! Oh THAT’S a nice touch!) and told her that if he didn’t get married that day to somebody, then somebody was going to die. The woman – along with another clerk – ran inside the store and they locked themselves in the bathroom. Police were called. In his truck was $3,600 in cash, a loaded shotgun, a ring and a bouquet of red roses. Police later determined that Mr. Burgett was undergoing some mental stress, and in the end he was charged with aggravated assault.
* Don’t you love these ‘meet cute’ stories?
* And here he had them registered at the convenience store and everything.
* Trying to marry the clerk where you shop is taking the concept of convenience a little too far.
* He still didn’t get it. As they took him away, he asked if she’d wait for him.
* He should have no problem finding a jailhouse bride.

Marion County Sheriff’s Officers in Belleview, Florida, came upon a motorist unconscious behind the wheel of his idling vehicle at around 2 a.m. When the man was awakened by the officer knocking on his window, he burst into song, singing along to the radio and obviously impaired. When asked how much he had to drink, the driver responded: “Not enough.” The 35-year-old man told deputies he believed his vehicle was on the shoulder of the road. However, deputies pointed out it was actually in a turn lane. He refused to do a field sobriety test and was arrested and charged with driving under the influence. It’s not known exactly what he was singing.
* “Jailhouse Blues,” eventually.
* You know where guys like him end up? Sing Sing.
* He ended on a high note. And boy, was he high.
* I blame “Carpool Karaoke.”