In Wheat Ridge, Colorado, police arrived at the scene of a multi-car crash back on December 4 and asked the driver who caused it how many drinks he had. The man said he had “probably 10” drinks. And then also told the officer, quote, “Hey, I’m gonna tell you right now, like, I’m a professional drinker.” Police said a breathalyzer test showed the driver had a Blood Alcohol Content of .326 – over four times the legal limit. No one was injured in the crash. The driver’s name was not released.
* Drunky McDrunkface?
* You certainly don’t want to leave car accidents to amateurs.
* Getting paid to drink. Yet another career option my guidance counselor failed to tell me about.
* Only a professional drinker can remember after 10 drinks that he’s had 10 drinks.
* The great thing about professional drinking is, you can work from home.
* And should.

In St. Charles, Illinois, a man wielding a chainsaw inside a senior living community was shot and killed by police. The man had been attempting to cut down a tree on the facility’s property at about 8:45 a.m. on Sunday. At one point, the man, shirtless, walked into the lobby of the building and began confronting residents with the chainsaw. Officers arrived and tried to deescalate the situation, but the man “continued his attempts to use the chainsaw against residents of the building,” as well as against responding officers. Officers used a taser on the man, but his attack continued, so they shot him. Officers and residents of the assisted-living facility were treated at the scene for minor injuries, police said.
* The old folks then grabbed the chainsaw so they could cut the tough meat in the dining hall.
* Someone shouted “Leatherface!” and all the residents looked at each other going, “Where? Where?”
* Someone else was shouting “Go back to Texas!”
* The cops should have cranked that taser up to 11.
* At least now there’s something for the residents to talk about besides their medications.

In Denton, Texas, police arrested a 47-year-old man who barricaded himself in a Walmart store and shot arrows at people. Police say the man took a bow, arrows, arrowheads and a hatchet from the store, barricaded himself with nearby items into a little fort, and started shooting arrows at employees and customers. Employees ran him out of the store, and he left the area before officers arrived. He was found about two hours later, about a mile from the Walmart.
* So he left Walmart and became a Target?
* Wait – Walmart keep batteries locked up in glass cases but not bows and arrows???
* The Case of the Stupid Cupid.
* On the other hand, more than a few Walmart employees have found love.
* “I shot an arrow into the air / It fell to earth / I knew not where … but I did hear someone scream over in the shoe aisle.”
* Where’s the Sheriff of Nottingham when you need him?

Yet another airplane passenger decided to try and exit the plane mid-flight. The incident happened on an American Airlines flight from Milwaukee to Dallas-Fort Worth. The man went up to a flight attendant in the front galley and made a comment about “needing to exit the aircraft now.” As he became louder and more agitated, she alerted other attendants, and also made a hand gesture to passengers near her indicating she needed assistance. She then placed herself between the door and the passenger. He jumped on top of her screaming, “I’m getting off this plane. I need to get off the plane.” Another passenger came to her aid and bear-hugged the guy until more passengers and the crew subdued him. At landing, the passenger was seen lying on his stomach with his hands behind his back bound as well as his ankles with duct tape.
* Some people would pay extra for that.
* Why did he need to leave so badly? Was the in-flight movie “Megalopolis”?
* Other passengers saw the man bound up and said, “Can I do that? It looks more comfortable than my seat.”
* “Sorry, sir, you can’t exit the plane mid-flight. This is an Airbus, not a Boeing.”
* The real winner here was the guy’s seatmates, who suddenly had all the arm and leg room they wanted.

Back in October of 2022, an Oregon man was riding his bicycle when an ambulance pulled up next to him, then made a sudden right turn into their fire station, knocking him over, breaking his nose, leaving him with scrapes and other injuries, and running over his bike. The ambulance crew scooped him up and drove him to the hospital. Then they billed him $1,800 for the ambulance ride. The cyclist, 71-year-old William Hoesch, is now suing the ambulance company for $997,000. That’s $47,000 to cover medical expenses – including the ambulance ride – along with another $50,000 for future medical costs, and an additional $900,000 for pain and suffering.
* I thought the $900,000 would have been for a new bike. Have you priced those things lately?
* I’d throw in another $100,000 just for general ass-hattery.
* Knocking him over was one thing, but then running over his bike? That was just mean.
* Every business has to look for ways to drum up new customers, even ambulance companies.

In Coconut Creek, Florida, a man has been charged with assault after allegedly threatening his son with a machete for forgetting to wish him a happy birthday. Police say that Laron Whiters, 56, became irate that his son did not wish him a happy birthday. Mr. Whiters demanded that his son leave the house, to which he refused. Mr. Whiters then went to the garage and began packing his son’s belongings. While doing so, he retrieved a machete and threatened his son, before eventually placing the machete down and moving his son’s belongings to the driveway. There was a small physical confrontation, police were called, and eventually Mr. Whiters was arrested and the machete was recovered. The son declined to press charges.
* Well, there, you see? “Declined to press charges.” There’s a nice birthday gift. Practical and personal.
* I think this would qualify more as an UNhappy birthday.
* Is there a card for this? “To say Happy Birthday / I sometimes fergits / But please, dear Daddy / Don’t chop me to bits.”
* Maybe the machete was to cut the birthday cake?

A Largo, Florida, man is behind bars after being charged with assaulting his wife with spaghetti. Police say that Marquell Royal, 40, and his wife were arguing about Royal’s “abuse of alcohol” when the dispute turned violent. Mr. Royal became “irate” and threw his bowl of spaghetti at his wife, striking the 44-year-old woman on “the front of her body, on her stomach,” according to an arrest report. Officers found the victim “covered in the spaghetti sauce.” Mr. Royal was charged with enhanced felony battery.
* Enhanced with garlic and Italian spices?
* ♪♪ Uh oh, spaghetti throw. ♫
* That’s using the ol’ noodle, boy.
* He was hittin’ the sauce, and she was hit WITH the sauce.
* Coulda been worse. Coulda been a JAR of sauce.

A 10-year-old boy was arrested for driving a stolen car through a playground in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The incident happened at a crowded playground. No children were struck by the car. Police say the boy has been arrested twice before for auto-theft related crimes, and also is suspected in a dozen other cases, including robbery and assault with a weapon. The boy was arrested and booked into a juvenile detention center. His parents are co-operating and asking for help for their son before anyone is injured. Police Chief Brian O’Hara said, “The system doesn’t have an answer for what to do with someone this young.”
* Tell the system there are lots of tiny uninhabited islands real far away.
* I’ve seen really big dog cages you can put a padlock on.
* Do they teach hotwiring in 5th grade?
* They’ve tried the very stern lecture?
* I’ve heard of juvenile delinquents, but this is almost toddler delinquents.

In DeKalb, Illinois, a man was stabbed with a butter knife during an argument over peanut butter and jelly. A witness told police that Javaughn Owens, 23, and another man were arguing over peanut butter because, according to the police report, “someone left peanut butter and jelly on the counter.” The witness said she tried to put herself between the two men to de-escalate the argument, but Owens pulled out a butter knife and “swung it over her shoulder,” striking the other man. The victim was treated for five (* FIVE!??) stab wounds. Owens has been charged with first-degree attempted murder. He was on probation for a different crime at the time of the stabbing. If convicted, Owens could face up to 30 years in prison.
* That is, if the charges stick. To the roof of his mouth.
* 30 years. That ain’t peanuts.
* Guy sounds nutty.
* What was the argument about? Smooth vs. Chunky?
* Well HE certainly won’t be out in a Jif.
* Could have been worse. Could have been shish kebab.

A California man was arrested after a midair meltdown on a Frontier Airlines flight out of Santa Ana, California. Charles Salva, 30, had just spent the weekend at Disneyland with his 3-year-old daughter. The chaos kicked off when Salva allegedly stood up and tried to rip down his oxygen mask from the overhead compartment while the seat belt sign was still on. When the flight attendants went to check on him, Salva started cursing and screamed, “We are all going to hell” and “This airplane is going down.” He then allegedly grabbed at fellow passengers before running toward the back of the plane, where flight attendants tried to restrain him. Salva choked one crew member and kicked another as the flight attendants and other passengers tried to pin him down. At one point he shouted that he was going to kill everyone, managed to break out of his flex cuffs and eventually had to be restrained with a seat belt. The flight ended up being diverted to Ontario International Airport where Mr. Salva, who, we repeat, had just spent three days with his daughter at Disneyland, was escorted off the plane on a gurney. He later claimed to cops that he had taken ecstasy before boarding the flight.
* Ah – pixie dust!
* When Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride isn’t wild enough.
* It’s called “ecstasy” ’cause it makes you feel so good.
* Ecstasy for him, agony for everyone else.
* The real question is, how did have any money left over for drugs after a weekend at Disney?