A Tennessee man apparently became enamored of the clerk working at a convenience store he frequented. Police say 26-year-old Dustin Burgett walked into the Bonnertown Store & Deli and asked the 19-year-old clerk to marry him. She told him no – that she had a family, a boyfriend, and she wasn’t interested. He left the store, but later came back in his pickup truck, walked up to the clerk outside the store, pulled a bouquet of roses from behind his back and asked again. The clerk again said no, so Burgett then pulled a knife from his overalls (* Overalls! Oh THAT’S a nice touch!) and told her that if he didn’t get married that day to somebody, then somebody was going to die. The woman – along with another clerk – ran inside the store and they locked themselves in the bathroom. Police were called. In his truck was $3,600 in cash, a loaded shotgun, a ring and a bouquet of red roses. Police later determined that Mr. Burgett was undergoing some mental stress, and in the end he was charged with aggravated assault.
* Don’t you love these ‘meet cute’ stories?
* And here he had them registered at the convenience store and everything.
* Trying to marry the clerk where you shop is taking the concept of convenience a little too far.
* He still didn’t get it. As they took him away, he asked if she’d wait for him.
* He should have no problem finding a jailhouse bride.

Marion County Sheriff’s Officers in Belleview, Florida, came upon a motorist unconscious behind the wheel of his idling vehicle at around 2 a.m. When the man was awakened by the officer knocking on his window, he burst into song, singing along to the radio and obviously impaired. When asked how much he had to drink, the driver responded: “Not enough.” The 35-year-old man told deputies he believed his vehicle was on the shoulder of the road. However, deputies pointed out it was actually in a turn lane. He refused to do a field sobriety test and was arrested and charged with driving under the influence. It’s not known exactly what he was singing.
* “Jailhouse Blues,” eventually.
* You know where guys like him end up? Sing Sing.
* He ended on a high note. And boy, was he high.
* I blame “Carpool Karaoke.”

A 53-year-old Florida boat captain was out with a large group of tourists when he fell off the boat. Police say John Edward Beckwith, the captain of the Clearwater Fun Boat, was intoxicated to the point where he fell off the pontoon boat. There were 30 tourists on the boat at the time. Other employees of the business said that Beckwith arrived at work stumbling and had food all over his face. According to the Clearwater Fun Boat information page, guests enjoy a “cozy and enjoyable ride. Cruise the stunning Clearwater Beach waters while indulging in a delicious ice cream sundae, and keep your eyes peeled for playful dolphins dancing in the waves alongside our family-friendly boat.”
* Sounds like Captain Beckwith had just finished a parley with Captain Morgan.
* Clearwater Bay wasn’t the only thing polluted that day.
* Finally, someone who really WAS “three sheets to the wind.”
* “Hey, look – a manatee! Oh, wait, that’s the captain.”
* The Clearwater Fun Boat is pretty much fun. Then the hangover sets in.

In Oroville, California, a 9-year-old boy took his mother’s car and attempted to drive it to school. An officer first spotted a gray Volkswagen sedan stopped in the middle of an intersection on Wednesday morning. The officer instructed the driver to move the car, but the vehicle sped off and led police on a short, erratic chase that ended in a dirt parking lot just blocks away from Plumas Avenue Elementary School. After coming to a stop, the car reversed suddenly and smashed into the front of a police cruiser. The officer discovered that the driver was a 9-year-old boy, who said he just wanted to drive himself to school. His parents were called, and the officer delivered him to the school.
* Oh, that’s a horrible punishment!
* They made him stay after school to work on his parking.
* Give him a special lesson on how Uber and Lyft work.
* The kid’s grounded – oh, until we land on Mars or George R.R. Martin finishes “A Song of Ice and Fire,” whichever comes first.
* Finally, an American child who just can’t get to school fast enough.

Two pilots with Indonesia’s Batik Air fell asleep during a recent flight. According to the country’s National Transportation Safety Committee, both the pilot and co-pilot fell asleep at the same time for 28 minutes during a flight from Kendari to the capital Jakarta. It came to air traffic control’s attention when they noticed “the aircraft was not in the correct flight path.” The pilots were eventually awakened, and successfully landed in Jakarta.
* When you find out the pilot and co-pilot are sleeping together, this is not what you want to hear.
* What the hell? Did they think they were driving a Tesla?
* They never should have installed those Lay-Z-Boy recliners in the cockpit.
* Boy, I wish I could fall asleep on a plane that easy.
* I guess it’s a nice change from planes with parts falling off them.

Two Ohio women propped up a man’s corpse in his car in order to withdraw money from his bank account. The two women, Loreen Bea Feralo, 55, and Karen Casbohm, 63, lived with 80-year-old Douglas Layman at his home in Ashtabula – until Mr. Layman suddenly passed away. The two women allegedly took Layman’s corpse and placed it in the front passenger seat of his car and then headed to a nearby bank’s drive-thru window. The bank had previously allowed the women to withdraw money from Layman’s account as long as he was accompanying them. The women were able to withdraw $900. They then dropped the body off at a hospital emergency room. The manner of Mr. Layman’s death is under investigation.
* But all signs point to “living too long” as the cause.
* My father used to call the right front seat “the death seat.” Who knew?
* The drive-thru bank teller didn’t notice Layman was dead. That’s the kind of sparkling personality he had.
* The smart thing to do would be to tell police they withdrew the money to buy a coffin.
* This little escapade obviously has similarities to the movie “Weekend at Bernies,” only this is a lot funnier.

A small-time Nashville thrash metal rock band named Llorona shared this story on its Instagram page. They say that their vocalist “Diego” admitted to slipping the female hormone estrogen to another band member in an attempt to make himself look more manly in comparison, so he could “swoop in” and steal the other man’s girlfriend. He said he was obsessed with the woman. Diego had been slipping estrogen into the bandmate’s water for five months, causing the bandmate to start seeing a doctor for stomach ulcers, weight loss, and muscle fatigue, as well as mental changes. He is continuing to receive medical care to get his hormone levels back in balance. Diego has been kicked out of the band.
* They’ll know his hormone levels have normalized when he starts leaving the toilet seat up again.
* Probably the biggest upshot of all this is, the band’s next record is an album of Michael Buble covers. (or: Billie Eilish, Air Supply, Dan Fogelberg, Seals and Crofts, to pick a few)
* The first sign something was wrong was when he couldn’t stop watching “Mamma Mia!”
* My god, it’s the Geddy Lee incident all over again.
* Now Keith Richards is on the phone wondering where he can score some of that stuff.

An Oklahoma judge agreed to step down after she was caught sending hundreds of texts from the bench while overseeing a murder trial. District Judge Traci Soderstrom was found to have sent more than 500 texts during the trial. Security video showed her texting for minutes at a time during jury selection, opening statements and testimony during the trial. In some of those texts she mocked prosecutors, laughed at the bailiff’s comment about a prosecutor’s genitals, called the defense attorney “awesome” and called the prosecutor’s key witness a liar. Soderstrom had been scheduled to go on trial in a special court, but she resigned. She also agreed to not seek judicial office again in Oklahoma.
* Try Silicon Valley. They go for that kind of stuff there.
* And don’t even get me started on her OnlyFans site.
* It’s a murder trial. How interesting can it be?
* She would have resigned earlier, but she spent two weeks going down rabbit holes on YouTube.
* One giveaway was when she told the prosecutor, “Show me your briefs, LOL, OMG, ROTFL.”

A man in Patterson, New York, has been charged with spray-painting squirrels. Mark Kuhn, 62, told authorities he didn’t want the squirrels in his backyard because they made his dogs bark, and he felt by spray-painting them they wouldn’t come back. He would trap them in cages and spray them with red Rust-Oleum Paint and Primer before releasing them about a quarter-mile away. The spray paint was so he’d be able to tell if it’s the same squirrels coming back. Kuhn was charged with attempting to poison animals.
* … which would have killed them instantly, and no one would have known. Oh, Mark, Mark …
* Caught red-fingered!
* On squirrels, you gotta use the primer for a smooth, even coat.
* Meanwhile, the squirrels are thinking: “You idiot! We’re Summers! Red is not our color!!”
* Time to buy some hawks.

A Subway customer allegedly threw a sub at a store clerk because the sandwich wasn’t cut in half. Alberto De Barros, 54, was arrested for battery following a night-time confrontation at a Subway shop in Stuart, Florida. Subway worker Cassandra Pierre-Louis said De Barros “became upset with her after finding out that his sandwich was not separated,” and became disruptive, throwing the sub, which struck Pierre-Louis in her mid-section.
* Mid-section – so, the part of the body the sub goes to when you eat it.
* It’s lucky he didn’t order the club sandwich.
* The sub had everything on it, including a little topspin.
* There hasn’t been a sub launching this wild since the USS Iowa last summer.
* The alternative would be to say “Excuse me, would you please cut this sandwich in half?” But that would be CRAZY!
* Could have been worse, he could have forced her to eat it.
* Great. Now when he goes to Subway, he’ll take along a butcher knife.