In Coconut Creek, Florida, a man has been charged with assault after allegedly threatening his son with a machete for forgetting to wish him a happy birthday. Police say that Laron Whiters, 56, became irate that his son did not wish him a happy birthday. Mr. Whiters demanded that his son leave the house, to which he refused. Mr. Whiters then went to the garage and began packing his son’s belongings. While doing so, he retrieved a machete and threatened his son, before eventually placing the machete down and moving his son’s belongings to the driveway. There was a small physical confrontation, police were called, and eventually Mr. Whiters was arrested and the machete was recovered. The son declined to press charges.
* Well, there, you see? “Declined to press charges.” There’s a nice birthday gift. Practical and personal.
* I think this would qualify more as an UNhappy birthday.
* Is there a card for this? “To say Happy Birthday / I sometimes fergits / But please, dear Daddy / Don’t chop me to bits.”
* Maybe the machete was to cut the birthday cake?

A Largo, Florida, man is behind bars after being charged with assaulting his wife with spaghetti. Police say that Marquell Royal, 40, and his wife were arguing about Royal’s “abuse of alcohol” when the dispute turned violent. Mr. Royal became “irate” and threw his bowl of spaghetti at his wife, striking the 44-year-old woman on “the front of her body, on her stomach,” according to an arrest report. Officers found the victim “covered in the spaghetti sauce.” Mr. Royal was charged with enhanced felony battery.
* Enhanced with garlic and Italian spices?
* ♪♪ Uh oh, spaghetti throw. ♫
* That’s using the ol’ noodle, boy.
* He was hittin’ the sauce, and she was hit WITH the sauce.
* Coulda been worse. Coulda been a JAR of sauce.

A 10-year-old boy was arrested for driving a stolen car through a playground in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The incident happened at a crowded playground. No children were struck by the car. Police say the boy has been arrested twice before for auto-theft related crimes, and also is suspected in a dozen other cases, including robbery and assault with a weapon. The boy was arrested and booked into a juvenile detention center. His parents are co-operating and asking for help for their son before anyone is injured. Police Chief Brian O’Hara said, “The system doesn’t have an answer for what to do with someone this young.”
* Tell the system there are lots of tiny uninhabited islands real far away.
* I’ve seen really big dog cages you can put a padlock on.
* Do they teach hotwiring in 5th grade?
* They’ve tried the very stern lecture?
* I’ve heard of juvenile delinquents, but this is almost toddler delinquents.

In DeKalb, Illinois, a man was stabbed with a butter knife during an argument over peanut butter and jelly. A witness told police that Javaughn Owens, 23, and another man were arguing over peanut butter because, according to the police report, “someone left peanut butter and jelly on the counter.” The witness said she tried to put herself between the two men to de-escalate the argument, but Owens pulled out a butter knife and “swung it over her shoulder,” striking the other man. The victim was treated for five (* FIVE!??) stab wounds. Owens has been charged with first-degree attempted murder. He was on probation for a different crime at the time of the stabbing. If convicted, Owens could face up to 30 years in prison.
* That is, if the charges stick. To the roof of his mouth.
* 30 years. That ain’t peanuts.
* Guy sounds nutty.
* What was the argument about? Smooth vs. Chunky?
* Well HE certainly won’t be out in a Jif.
* Could have been worse. Could have been shish kebab.

A California man was arrested after a midair meltdown on a Frontier Airlines flight out of Santa Ana, California. Charles Salva, 30, had just spent the weekend at Disneyland with his 3-year-old daughter. The chaos kicked off when Salva allegedly stood up and tried to rip down his oxygen mask from the overhead compartment while the seat belt sign was still on. When the flight attendants went to check on him, Salva started cursing and screamed, “We are all going to hell” and “This airplane is going down.” He then allegedly grabbed at fellow passengers before running toward the back of the plane, where flight attendants tried to restrain him. Salva choked one crew member and kicked another as the flight attendants and other passengers tried to pin him down. At one point he shouted that he was going to kill everyone, managed to break out of his flex cuffs and eventually had to be restrained with a seat belt. The flight ended up being diverted to Ontario International Airport where Mr. Salva, who, we repeat, had just spent three days with his daughter at Disneyland, was escorted off the plane on a gurney. He later claimed to cops that he had taken ecstasy before boarding the flight.
* Ah – pixie dust!
* When Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride isn’t wild enough.
* It’s called “ecstasy” ’cause it makes you feel so good.
* Ecstasy for him, agony for everyone else.
* The real question is, how did have any money left over for drugs after a weekend at Disney?

At Purdue University in Indiana, the Boilermakers played their football season opener on August 1st. There was a promotional contest – a student was selected to try and kick three field goals in 30 seconds. If they did, they would win a two-year car lease. With a crowd of nearly 60,000 people cheering him on during a timeout, Zachary Spangler made successful kicks from 20, 30 and 40 yards on Rohrman Field. However, five days later the student was informed that he had actually lost. In an email to Spangler, an official from the dealership said their insurance company reviewed video of the event and his “40-yard field goal was not kicked in time by five one-hundredths of a second.” The dealer, Rohrman Automotive Group – whom the field is named after – told the kid he’d get a $250 consolation prize. But, intense public criticism forced Rohrman’s hand, and Spangler was offered the original lease deal or $5,000 in cash. School officials say the competition would have different rules in the future to avoid this issue.
* One of the new rules: No Jerk Car Dealership Sponsors.
* Rohrman Automotive: We treat every customer like a college student contest winner.
* But just look at all the great publicity they’re getting now for a lousy $5,000!
* Take the five grand and go buy an e-bike, kid. You’ll be better off.

In Brooklyn, New York, a 9-year-old boy who headed off to school at 7 a.m never made it. Police were called to the scene, and a search began. Chopper 2 from New York’s CBS affiliate took to the skies to search. WCBS-TV chopper reporter Dan Rice very soon spotted the boy sitting on the rooftop of the family’s building, looking at his iPad. Rice called the police, who went up to the roof and retrieved the boy and his computer and his book bag and took the child down to his mother.
* It’s getting harder and harder to cut school these days, isn’t it.
* Kid’s got a good story for “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” now.
* WCBS-TV News, Number One in snitching!
* What do you suppose the difference in price is between a police search including an emergency helicopter flight, and an Apple Air Tag in the kid’s backpack?
* The takeaway for kids in Brooklyn skipping school: Roof – no, Underground parking garage – yes.

A Russian chess player has been suspended by the Russian Chess Federation and is facing time in jail after she tried to poison her opponent at a chess tournament. The incident happened at the Dagestan, Russia, Chess Championship. Contestant Umayganat Osmanova began feeling unwell 30 minutes into the game, complaining of nausea and dizziness. Doctors eventually concluded that poisoning was a likely cause. A review of security camera footage before the game clearly showed her opponent, Amina Abakarova, 40, walking over to the chess board before anyone else was in the room. She calmly smeared something on the table in front of one side of the board, and dipped at least one chess piece into the substance. That substance was later determined to be mercury from a thermometer. Abakarova later confessed that she wanted to “knock her opponent out of the tournament,” because a week earlier Osmanova had beaten her. Abakarova is temporarily suspended from Russian chess events.
* She was immediately detained and then hired by Vladimir Putin.
* Russia: where poisoning your opponent will earn you a suspension.
* One clue was that the pawns were little undertakers.
* All the evidence was there in black and white.
* Oh, those mercurial chess prodigies!

A woman and and her two daughters are in trouble for attacking a Sam’s Club worker in Atlanta, Georgia, because they couldn’t order pizza. The store was shutting down for the night when- two minutes before closing – the woman and her adult daughters went up to the club cafe and asked to order two whole pizzas. The lady behind the counter told them it was too late to place their order. The family started calling her names. Then, the mother walked behind the counter and punched the worker in the face. One of the daughters joined the fight. Sam’s Club intervened to break up the fight. The women have been charged with battery.
* They need to rename it Sam’s Fight Club.
* Time to bring back the Covid counter barricades.
* You know what would have prevented this? One of those 100-count bags of Snickers that Sam’s Club sells. Those help when you’re hangry.
* If only Atlanta had other places to get some pizza.

In Edina, Minnesota, a woman was arrested for allegedly tossing a live tarantula at her renter during a fight. Marisa Simonetti, 30, rented a room to Jackie Vasquez several weeks earlier via a short-term rental website — but claims Vasquez refused to get out when the contract was up. The fight erupted when Simonetti accused Vasquez of being a squatter. Vasquez said Simonetti threw the tarantula and other pieces of junk at her during the dispute. As a side note, Simonetti is planning on running for Hennepin County Commissioner. She says, “I’m good at creatively solving problems, and at the end of the day, I didn’t physically harm anybody.”
* Any politician who can spin the facts that good deserves your vote.
* She throws tarantulas. She’d make a good Bond villain.
* Not-So-Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Lady.
* Good luck finding another renter now that the world knows there’s a tarantula loose in the house.
* On the bright side, the cockroaches are gone.