A kite surfer became stranded on a deserted beach on the Santa Cruz County coastline. He used rocks on the beach to spell out the word “HELP” and was eventually spotted by a private helicopter pilot who did indeed call for help. He was not injured but just needed assistance getting off the beach surrounded by steep cliffs. Crews from Cal Fire, Santa Cruz County Fire Department, and California State Parks worked together to rescue the kite surfer, using a rescue helicopter to extract him off the beach.
* Talk about tacking on hidden fees! He only needed a helicopter, but they threw on two fire departments and rangers from a state park to totally run up the tab.
* Plus everybody cost extra ’cause it was a Sunday.
* “No, no! I don’t need all you guys, I was just writing, ‘HELP CALL ME AN UBER!'”
* The rescue was delayed for a half hour while the guy finished etching picture of his girlfriend in the rocks, like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

A California woman, Charlotte Russ, took the family to Pismo Beach, known as the “Clam Capital of the World.” Her five kids spent some time collecting sea shells. Only they were more than seashells – they were live clams. The kids had picked up 72 clams. Someone from the Department of Fish and Wildlife saw what was happening and approached the mother of five and told her that her kids were collecting the clams without a fishing license, and issued her a ticket. She later received a fine in the mail ordering her to pay $88,993. (* Bet she was shell shocked!) After protesting the ticket, a judge knocked her fine down to $500. (* Or 500 clams, to use the vernacular.) “It kind of ruined our trip,” Russ said. “The kids know now at the beach don’t touch anything.”
* That should be the motto of all our national parks and public spaces: “Don’t touch anything.”
* The clam-motto, as it were. (Y’know – Clamato? Hello? Never mind.)
* “A ticket? Can’t you give me a warning?” “Sure. Here’s your warning: PAY THE TICKET!”
* Even if you’re wearing sunscreen, there’s more than one way to get burned at the beach.
* But thank goodness California’s clam supply was saved.

A man was left suffering in excruciating pain for over six hours after he broke his leg just 30 minutes into a flight from Bali to New Zealand. The 47-year-old man, named Niko, was walking back to his seat from the bathroom when the plane dropped from severe turbulence. He came down hard, suffering a fractured tibia and fibula. There was a doctor on board the flight but only the over-the-counter painkiller Panadol was available to relieve the pain. And you should also know: probably not important, but the plane was a Boeing 787-9 Dreamliner, and the airline is calling it a case of “clear-air turbulence,” which happens in a cloud-free sky.
* Still, a broken leg on a Boeing plane beats getting sucked away when a door blows out.
* Panadol, and he bought out the entire drink cart.
* “We can turn around and be back at the airport in 30 minutes, or we can fly another six-and-a-half hours. Hmmm… what to do, what to do?”
* WEIRD coincidence: “Break a leg” is what Peter Graves always used to say on the set of “Airplane.”

The owner of a Kansas bakery is asking customers to check their cookies after she lost the $4,000 diamond from her ring in the dough. Dawn Monroe, owner of Sis Sweets Cookies & Café in Leavenworth, said the diamond fell off the ring that has been on her finger for 36 years at some point while she was at the shop. Monroe fears the gem ended up in the cookie dough. She wrote on the business’ Facebook page, “If you happened to find it, I would forever be in debt if you would return it.”
* Now that, my friends, is what you call a fortune cookie.
* Will she cover your dental bill?
* Her cookies have the Helzberg difference.
* Now you have a friend in the cookie business. (For those of you with a Shane Co. store in your city.)
* The one person working in food prep who doesn’t wear gloves now, and THIS happens.
* “I think my diamond fell in the dough.” “The what??” “Dough!” “D’OH!!!”

A Safe Air jet plane carrying freight had a little crash landing in Malakal, Sudan. The plane – which you’ll be happy to know was a Boeing 727-200 – had experienced problems and was performing an emergency landing. They touched down short of the runway causing both main gear struts to collapse. The plane skidded and collided with ANOTHER plane which had crashed back on February 9th but was still sitting by the side of the runway. The seven crewmembers were able to evacuate the aircraft safely.
* Said Boeing, “Sure, just add it to the list.”
* Maybe it’s time to just move the runway over.
* Suddenly, helium dirigibles don’t seem like such a bad idea.
* The airline’s called Safe Air. Sure, the air is safe – the planes, not so much.

Officials in Kauai, Hawaii, say an inmate escaped from the Kauai Community Correctional Center and was almost immediately injured in a hit-and-run on Kuhio Highway. Inmate Matthew Ornellas Jr., 33, escaped just after 1 a.m. Friday, March 22, but then was hit shortly before 1:10 a.m. by what appeared to be a dark-colored vehicle on the highway. The driver failed to stop to render aid. Ornellas was taken to a hospital with serious injuries. Authorities were still looking for the driver of the car.
* To give him a medal? To deputize him?
* Instant karma doesn’t get much more instant than that.
* How close to the highway is this prison? Did they build it in a cloverleaf?
* Wow. Life on the outside can be tough, too.
* Kauai is an island, so isn’t the whole place basically a prison?

A California man staying at the Venetian Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip resort is considering legal action after he was stung on the testicles by a scorpion while he was asleep. Michael Farchi said he woke up in excruciating pain during his stay. He went into the bathroom and saw a scorpion in his underwear. (* And why that scorpion was wearing his underwear, we’ll never know.) He claims the scorpion “was in the bed” when he was sleeping. The Farchi family checked out early, and the Venetian comped his room, but he is still considering legal action.
* Looks like the ball’s in his court.
* At the very least, he wants the cleaning person to get the sack.
* This is one crazy superhero origin story. It’s like an X-rated Spider-man.
* OK, sir, what really happened between you and the scorpion?
* Usually those Vegas casinos get you in the wallet.

An Argentinian man went to the hospital to have his gallbladder removed, but woke up with a vasectomy. 41-year-old Jorge Base went in to the Florencio Diaz Hospital in Cordoba to have his gallbladder removed on Wednesday, February 28. The mix-up is believed to have occurred because his surgery had been postponed from Tuesday, which was gallbladder day, to Wednesday when vasectomies are performed at the facility. (* This would have been good information to have had up front.) Mr. Base told local news, “I have three grown-up boys who are grown-up but I was dreaming of having a girl.”
* When they told him he had the vasectomy instead, you know what he said? “That’s nuts!”
* He better get the hell out of there before Breast Implant Thursday.
* On the bright side, he saved a lot of money because vasectomies are way cheaper than gallbladder surgery.
* Time to order more anatomy diagrams for the operating rooms.

A Canadian tourist visiting Hawaii’s Big Island walked away nearly unscathed after he drove off a 60-foot cliff and fell into the ocean. The unidentified 27-year-old was driving his rented Jeep along restricted backroads near the South Point cliff when the vehicle plunged off the cliff at around 3:30 a.m. The rental got stuck upside down on the rocks below, and when he crawled out he dropped directly into the water below him and was quickly swept away. Luckily, some local spear-fishermen camping out on the beach overnight witnessed the accident and then the man’s fall into the sea and called 911. First responders found the man floating on his back in the sea, coached him to swim toward the shore, and pulled him out. He only suffered a few facial scratches and mild hypothermia.
* …that is, until the lava flow hit the hospital.
* Hope he sprung for the rental insurance.
* Hmm … distracted taking a selfie? Making a crazy video for TikTok? Bad GPS?
* He said his next vacation will be in Australia, where it’s safe.

A woman named Stephanie Murphy went on TikTok to claim that her daughter’s new Easy Bake Oven toy nearly poisoned the family. It started when Murphy’s 8-year-old daughter plugged in the toy. She noticed an odd smell, her dad said it was probably just the heating element burning something off, and soon the smell went away. The daughter mixed up a little red velvet cake, put it in the Easy Bake. Twenty minutes later they took it out and saw it was not fully cooked. They figured the toy was trash and unplugged it. About 45 minutes after that, the daughter started complaining of chest pains and having trouble breathing. Testing her with a pulse oximeter, the daughter’s oxygen level was very low. On the way to the ER, both mom and dad noticed they were having trouble breathing, too. Doctors diagnosed their condition was from “carbon monoxide poisoning.” Mom & dad were treated and released, but their daughter spent two days in Boston’s Children’s Hospital. Murphy related the experience on TikTok, and at least one other mother shared a similar experience, writing, “My daughter and I got so sick when we used her Easy Bake – headache, nausea, vertigo. We never used it after that, it’s still in my garage.” When they complained to Hasbro, the company issued a statement saying, “Hasbro takes all product safety concerns seriously. Hasbro’s Easy Bake Ovens meet or exceed all applicable safety standards.”
* Especially if you’re from Neptune and breathe carbon monoxide.
* But the cake — what happened to the cake? Priorities, people!
* Next time, buy her a safer toy, like a blow dart gun or a trampoline.
* It’s the worst home food prep accident since the killer Crock-Pot on “This Is Us.”
* An Easy Bake Oven used to be a 25-watt light bulb in a metal box. This is like catching a urinary tract infection from a wiffle ball.
* Knowing now what can happen, can the Easy Bake Oven handle cremations?