Clear Food, a food-analysis company, recently examined 345 hot dogs and sausages. According to the report, the company found human DNA in 2 percent of the products tested. “Two-thirds of the human DNA samples were vegetarian samples,” the study adds. The report also notes that more than 14 percent of the samples, which came from 75 brands and 10 different retailers, “were problematic in some way.” Researchers also found traces of meat in 10 percent of the “vegetarian” products. On the bright side, Clear Food gave a shout-out to the brands that fared best in their test, including Butterball, McCormick, Eckrich, Hebrew National and Gardein. Oscar Mayer’s Premium Jumbo Beef Franks took the title of top dog, described as “high quality and good value in a high-visibility national brand.”
* Never mind that – tell us which brands are grinding up people to make their sausage!
* I’m going to say it’s probably not Hebrew National, ’cause there’s no way ground up humans are kosher.
* Speaking of which, if an Orthodox Jew becomes a zombie, what are they allowed to eat?
* Anyway, if they found human DNA, can they match it to missing sausage factory employees?
* I always wondered if they left the ‘apostrophe s’ off of Oscar Mayer Wiener.
* I like how it says, “On the bright side” as we finish retching.
* Surprisingly, some of the meat hot dogs actually had traces of meat in them.
* The rest? Your guess is as good as mine.
* At least we got through the story without coming across that wonderful phrase “fecal matter.”
* You don’t need the final results to know how bad our diets are. Just the fact that there are 345 different kinds of hot dogs and sausages is enough of a clue.