ENTERTAINMENT & CELEBRITIES
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Thursday through Sunday
- SUPER BOWL TOILET PAPER COMMERCIAL ENCOURAGES VIEWERS NOT TO WATCH IT
Go pee instead.
- SUPER BOWL TICKET PRICES PLUMMETING; BLAME THE CHIEFS
$340,400,000 minimum gross . Boo hoo.
- AUDIO: MADONNA DOES STAND UP
Hilarious, just like her singing.
- LAW PROPOSED TO ANNOUNCE ACTUAL START TIMES OF MOVIES
Finally, a common sense law we can live with.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Monday through Wednesday
- ADELE'S "HAUNTED" MANSION UNSELLABLE, SAYS CURRENT OWNER
Spoiler: He actually just wants a zoning change.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Thursday through Sunday
- WILLEM DAFOE RANDOMLY STOPPED FOR A STREET INTERVIEW
"Don't you know who I am?" he didn't say.
- 79 WAHLBURGERS TO GO
Trouble in Wahlburgerland.
- RAZZIE AWARD NOMINATIONS ANNOUNCED
No arguments here.
- JERRY SEINFELD REFUSES $25 MILLION FOR ONE OF HIS CARS
It's not the Saab 900.
U.S. NEWS
- CHAMPIONSHIP JUMP ROPER SAVES DROWNING MAN
Miss Mary Mack would be proud.
- FLOOD MUSEUM CLOSED FOR FLOODING
Flooded.
- OKLAHOMA SENATOR WANTS TO DEREGULATE DONKEY MILK
To what end?
- MAN, ARRESTED FOR DUI, JUST WANTED TO GET HOME TO HIS CAT
Clawing at excuses.
- AUDIO: MASSIVE SHRIMP FRAUD UNCOVERED IN GULF STATES
Lt. Dan is going to hear about this.
- CARNIVAL CRUISE SAYS NO DRYING LAUNDRY ON THE RAILING
Yokels ahoy.
- PETA WANTS TO SWITCH GROUNDHOG DAY FOR "WEATHER CAKE REVEAL DAY"
Thanks, PETA, we'll get right on that.
- PET TORTOISE SURVIVES CALIFORNIA FIRE
Gamera!
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
- JAPANESE MAN BUYS SUSHI FOR STRANGERS WITH STOLEN MONEY
かっこいいおじいさん
- AUDIO: MERMAID ATTACKED BY BIG FISH
♪♫ "Fish eat de mermaid/Hope you know first aid/Under the sea..." ♪♪♫
- LOUVRE NEEDS REPAIR; CONTROVERSY GROWING OVER MONA LISA
Mon Dieu!
- MAN'S PENIS STUCK TO FROZEN STREET
Frostbite me.
- DAD SCOLDS SON, SON SNITCHES ON DAD TO COPS
Chinese junk.
- RECORD SET FOR UNDERWATER LIVING: 120 DAYS
Water world.
- LOAD OF ANTI-TANK MINES MISTAKENLY LEFT AT IKEA WAREHOUSE
Have the troops assemble, lieutenant.
THE BUZZ
- DUMB HEADLINES
Theme day: Fashions
- I THOUGHT THEY WERE EXAGGERATING UNTIL I TRIED IT
Try it, you'll like it.
- THAT MAKES NO SENSE
It is what it is.
- HOW TO FIX A PICKY EATER
Don't force it.
- MY STRANGEST PUNISHMENT
Bad boys, whatcha gonna do?
- HOW TO HANG YOUR TOILET PAPER, BY AN EXPERT TOILET PAPEROLOGIST
♫ "GregWeaver / He believes it should hang out from the to-oppp..." ♪♪♫
NEW MOVIES
- COMPANION
Starts Friday, January 31 in theaters.
- DOG MAN
Starts Friday, January 31 in theaters.
- LOVE ME
Starts Friday, January 31in theaters.
- FLIGHT RISK
Starts Friday, January 24 in theaters.
- PRESENCE
Starts Friday, January 24 in theaters.
- BRAVE THE DARK
Starts Friday, January 24 in theaters.
- WOLF MAN
Starts Friday, January 17 in theaters.
- SEPTEMBER 5
Starts Friday, January 17 in theaters.
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, January 31.
- PROMOS-TO-GO
Ready-to-use show bumper donuts
- A & M AUTOLAND - Is Cars
A & M Autoland Is Cars! And Al and Mike am stupid.
- GILDED AGE FAIRE
Why, it's like you're already there!
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, January 24.
- BROUGHT TO YOU BY
Funny fake sponsorship announcements
- A & M AUTOLAND - Warehouse Sale
This could be their hottest sale ever!
- HEMMORIMPLELACTOSNEEZARIA
Ask for it by name, if you dare.
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, January 17.
- PROMOS-TO-GO
Ready-to-use show bumper donuts
- A & M AUTOLAND - Keep Coming Back
Once you buy a car from A&M, you're sure to come back. Unfortunately.
- LIFE STAIR CROSS TRAINER MASTER RIDER
It's every exercise machine in one!
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, January 10.
- BROUGHT TO YOU BY
Funny fake sponsorship announcements
- A & M AUTOLAND - Year-End Leftovers
Get 'em while they're not-so-hot!
- BIG VINNIE'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION ENFORCEMENT
Happy new year ---- or else.