ENTERTAINMENT & CELEBRITIES
- JIMMY CARTER VOTES AT 100 YEARS OF AGE
He made it.
- RUSSELL BRAND IS SELLING $240 MAGIC BEADS
Guy's gotta work, I guess.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Monday through Wednesday
- RUSSIAN NO-GOODNIKS POST FAKE PICTURES OF A FLOODED DISNEY WORLD
Nyet.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Thursday through Sunday
- LISA MARIE PRESLEY KEPT HER SON'S BODY AT HOME FOR TWO MONTHS
Not weird at all.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Monday through Wednesday
- "JOKER 2" TANKS
It stinks on ice.
- AUDIO: TRAVIS KELCE'S ACTING LEAVES SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED
Unsportsmanlike acting.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Thursday through Sunday
- PINK FLOYD SELLS CATALOGUE TO SONY FOR $400 MILLION
That was "Run Like Hell," sponsored by Nike.
- MAN PAYS $4,000 TO SMASH TAYLOR SWIFT GUITAR AT AUCTION
Daddy, no!
U.S. NEWS
- BEER-WASHED JEANS
Hold my beer-pants.
- AUDIO: CHINA SENDS MORE PANDAS TO THE NATIONAL ZOO
Bear with us.
- NYC PIZZA HUTS WILL DELIVER YOUR RESUME WITH A PIZZA
Personal Goals: To have tomato sauce dripped all over my résumé.
- WOMAN CAUGHT SMUGGLING TURTLES IN KAYAK ACROSS LAKE
Where'd the turtles get the kayak?
- BUY YOURSELF A REDBOX MACHINE
Buy two!
- AUDIO: ROBOT VACUUMS HACKED, START YELLING OBSCENITIES
Who hacks a vacuum?
- BAG MARKED "DEFINITELY NOT A BAG FULL OF DRUGS" WAS FULL OF DRUGS
I never got drug humor.
- CHIPPENDALE'S DANCERS TO UNIONIZE
Male handlers?
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
- RUSSIAN MAN FOUND ALIVE AFTER TWO MONTHS ON A DINGHY
Cast Awayski.
- CHINESE AQUARIUM'S WHALE SHARK WAS ACTUALLY A ROBOT
"It's been done." - Steven Spielberg
- BRITISH WOMAN KILLED BY BED
Wrong side of the bed.
- JAPAN INVENTS BEER GLASS THAT MAKE YOU DRINK SLOWER
But why?
- GUY GETS FREEBIES BY SENDING POEMS TO COMPANIES
Rhyme time.
- PLANE TAKES OFF THREE HOURS EARLY
Didn't tell anybody.
- MUSEUM WORKER TOSSES ARTWORK IN THE TRASH
This art is trash.
THE BUZZ
- 30 IS TOO OLD FOR THIS
Let it go. Move on.
- AUDIO: DREAM COMMUNICATING
Pipe dreams.
- ELEPHANTS ARE LEFT-TRUNKED OR RIGHT-TRUNKED
Who knew?
- DANGEROUSLY MISLEADING NAMES
Proceed with caution.
- TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING
A taste is good, a platefull is awful.
- THE BRO CODE TEST
Yo. Bro.
NEW MOVIES
- SMILE 2
Starts Friday, October 18 in theaters.
- WE LIVE IN TIME
Starts Friday, October 18 in theaters.
- SATURDAY NIGHT
Starts Friday, October 11 in theaters.
- PIECE BY PIECE
Starts Friday, October 11 in theaters.
- MONSTER SUMMER
Starts Friday, October 4 in theaters.
- JOKER 2: FOLIE A DEUX
Starts Friday, October 4 in theaters.
- WHITE BIRD
Starts Friday, October 4 in theaters.
- MEGALOPOLIS
Stars Friday, September 30 in theaters.
- A & M AUTOLAND - Two Percent Sale
Big Al never quite got the hang of fractions and decimals.
- HUBERT VAN BOUVIER FOR OFFICE - SPECIAL INTERESTS
Are you buyin' this? Now you can!
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, October 11.
- VIAGLA, FOR STRONGER ELECTIONS
Run harder, longer.
- BROUGHT TO YOU BY
Funny fake sponsorship announcements
- A & M AUTOLAND - Stop Thinking
Thinking of buying a new car? Stop thinking! Al and Mike have!
- LESTER FEEKLE FOR CORONER
The candidate for every body.
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, October 4.
- HUBERT VAN BOUVIER FOR OFFICE - GO NEGATIVE
Hubert takes a stand... in the gutter.
- PROMOS-TO-GO
Pre-produced, ready-to-use bumper donuts
- A & M AUTOLAND - Subliminal Ad
Al and Mike try communicating below the threshold of actual thoughts, which is how their brains work anyway.
- SONG: LET'S GET POLITICAL
An intro for your political stories.
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, September 27.
- SCRUDENAU FARMS POPCORN MAZE
Bring melted butter.
- BROUGHT TO YOU BY
Funny fake sponsorship announcements
- A & M AUTOLAND - Free Dinners
With their latest promotion, Al and Mike have bitten off more than they can chew.