A man in Patterson, New York, has been charged with spray-painting squirrels. Mark Kuhn, 62, told authorities he didn’t want the squirrels in his backyard because they made his dogs bark, and he felt by spray-painting them they wouldn’t come back. He would trap them in cages and spray them with red Rust-Oleum Paint and Primer before releasing them about a quarter-mile away. The spray paint was so he’d be able to tell if it’s the same squirrels coming back. Kuhn was charged with attempting to poison animals.
* … which would have killed them instantly, and no one would have known. Oh, Mark, Mark …
* Caught red-fingered!
* On squirrels, you gotta use the primer for a smooth, even coat.
* Meanwhile, the squirrels are thinking: “You idiot! We’re Summers! Red is not our color!!”
* Time to buy some hawks.