ENTERTAINMENT & CELEBRITIES
- MAN PAYS $4,000 TO SMASH TAYLOR SWIFT GUITAR AT AUCTION
Daddy, no!
- JIMMY CARTER'S 100TH BIRTHDAY
Little known facts about the former president.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Monday through Wednesday
- PEOPLES CHOICE COUNTRY AWARD WINNERS
The peoples have spoken, with a twang.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Thursday through Sunday
- BRIDGERTON BALL A BUST
Kit Kat bars and a stripper.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Monday through Wednesday
- THIS SURELY WILL BRING PEOPLE BACK TO THE MOVIE THEATERS
Yes, it will. And don't call me Shirley.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Thursday through Sunday
- SEXY BIKINI PICS OF CELEBS MISSING FROM SPORTS ILLUSTRATED
Police are looking closely into it.
- MR. BEAST REALITY GAME SHOW SUED BEFORE IT GETS ON THE AIR
The price is wrong.
- DAVID LETTERMAN CALLED, PASSED OVER FOR JURY DUTY
Our next foreman needs no introduction.
U.S. NEWS
- CHICAGO CUBS PLAYER TOSSES BEER MONEY TO FANS IN THE STANDS
Beer on tap, thanks to Happ.
- COUPLE NAMES BABY AFTER BREWERY WHERE HE WAS BORN
It came out with a good head on it.
- POLITICAL CANDIDATE BORROWS WIFE, KIDS FOR CAMPAIGN AD
This is just sad.
- NASA SENDS SHIP TO RESCUE STRANDED ASTRONAUTS
Our long national nightmare is over, eventually.
- SLAP FIGHTING LEADS TO BRAIN DAMAGE
Why, I oughta...
- AUDIO: WEIGHT WATCHERS CEO LEAVES; REPLACED BY SHAKE SHACK EXEC
The enemy is among us.
- WOMAN KICKED OUT OF DISNEYLAND IS A HABITUAL GATE-CRASHER
♪♪ Hi-ho, Hi-ho / You didn't pay the dough... ♫♪
- HORSES ESCAPE FROM RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL
Huzzah.
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
- 81-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WILL NOT BE MISS UNIVERSE THIS YEAR
Grandma, no!
- MAN SUES MOM FOR THROWING OUT HIS COMIC BOOKS
"He's a manbaby." - not Austin Powers
- JAPAN IS HAVING A RICE SHORTAGE
Makaroni to chīzu.
- TRIMMING TREES WITH DYNAMITE
Aspen blastin'.
- FINLAND ZOO RETURNS DEFECTIVE CHINESE PANDAS
Send them home via Panda Express.
- TWO SPANISH WOMEN LOSE $362,000 IN FAKE BRAD PITT SCAM
No Brado Pitto.
- TWO MEN WITH SAME NAME GO ON CRIME SPREE
No, not John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt.
THE BUZZ
- LIFE'S SMALL IRRITATIONS
There's a lot of deep-seated anger out there.
- THE BEST AMERICAN FOOD
Not even close.
- WHAT YOUR COCKTAIL SAYS ABOUT YOU, ACCORDING TO BARTENDERS
Don't judge me.
- PET SURVEY - CANCELING PLANS TO STAY HOME WITH YOUR PET
I can't come in to work today because dog.
- KIDS' WEIRD BELIEFS
We were all so dumb once.
- THE WORST THING A PASSENGER DID IN MY CAR
Cut it out or I am stopping this car!
NEW MOVIES
- MEGALOPOLIS
Stars Friday, September 30 in theaters.
- LEE
Starts Friday, September 30 in theaters.
- THE WILD ROBOT
Starts Friday, September 30 in theaters.
- TRANSFORMERS ONE
Starts Friday, September 20 in theaters.
- NEVER LET GO
Starts Friday, September 20 in theaters.
- SPEAK NO EVIL
Starts Friday, September 13 in theaters.
- THE KILLER'S GAME
Starts Friday, September 13 in theaters.
- BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
Starts Friday, September 6 in theaters.
- SONG: LET'S GET POLITICAL
An intro for your political stories.
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, September 27.
- SCRUDENAU FARMS POPCORN MAZE
Bring melted butter.
- BROUGHT TO YOU BY
Funny fake sponsorship announcements
- A & M AUTOLAND - Free Dinners
With their latest promotion, Al and Mike have bitten off more than they can chew.
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, September 20.
- OKTOBERFEST - THE WAKING SONG
Wake! Wake! The weekend is here!
- SONG - OKTOBERFEST IS HERE
To kick off Oktoberfest.
- PROMOS-TO-GO
Pre-produced, ready-to-use bumper donuts
- A & M AUTOLAND - Stock Numbers
At A & M, you'll almost always get a wrong number.
- HUBERT VAN BOUVIER FOR OFFICE - GREEN
The wacko candidate goes eco.
- BAD ACTORS AMENDMENT
A good bad political ad never goes out of style.
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, September 13.
- BROUGHT TO YOU BY
Funny fake sponsorship announcements
- A & M AUTOLAND - No Reasonable Offer
Big Al gets an offer he can't refuse.
- PSYCHIC OPTOMETRIST
He sees all!