ENTERTAINMENT & CELEBRITIES
- PEOPLES CHOICE COUNTRY AWARD WINNERS
The peoples have spoken, with a twang.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Thursday through Sunday
- BRIDGERTON BALL A BUST
Kit Kat bars and a stripper.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Monday through Wednesday
- THIS SURELY WILL BRING PEOPLE BACK TO THE MOVIE THEATERS
Yes, it will. And don't call me Shirley.
- WHAT TO WATCH – New and Returning Shows and Movies
Premiering Thursday through Sunday
- SEXY BIKINI PICS OF CELEBS MISSING FROM SPORTS ILLUSTRATED
Police are looking closely into it.
- MR. BEAST REALITY GAME SHOW SUED BEFORE IT GETS ON THE AIR
The price is wrong.
- DAVID LETTERMAN CALLED, PASSED OVER FOR JURY DUTY
Our next foreman needs no introduction.
- DIDDY: THE CHARGES
Beat the rap.
- REO SPEEDWAGON PACKS IT IN AFTER 50 OR MAYBE 60 YEARS
Time for them to fly.
- EMMY WINNERS LIST
Hacks?
U.S. NEWS
- WOMAN KICKED OUT OF DISNEYLAND IS A HABITUAL GATE-CRASHER
♪♪ Hi-ho, Hi-ho / You didn't pay the dough... ♫♪
- HORSES ESCAPE FROM RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL
Huzzah.
- CAT FINDS HAND GRENADE IN BASEMENT
Oh, look - Boots brought us a present!
- BURGLAR COOKS HERSELF SHRIMP & PASTA DINNER
Food filcher.
- 20-YEAR-OLD CARRIES 79-YEAR OLD DOWN HIKING TRAIL
A downright uplifting story.
- SCHWAN'S, THE GOOD HUMOR MEAT TRUCK COMPANY, IS SHUTTING DOWN
Goodbye, meat wagon.
- NAKED CAVERNS
Bare cave.
- BURGER KING WHOPPER CONTEST FINALISTS
Ask for extra napkins.
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
- JAPAN IS HAVING A RICE SHORTAGE
Makaroni to chīzu.
- TRIMMING TREES WITH DYNAMITE
Aspen blastin'.
- FINLAND ZOO RETURNS DEFECTIVE CHINESE PANDAS
Send them home via Panda Express.
- TWO SPANISH WOMEN LOSE $362,000 IN FAKE BRAD PITT SCAM
No Brado Pitto.
- TWO MEN WITH SAME NAME GO ON CRIME SPREE
No, not John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt.
- MOUSE POPS OUT OF AIRLINE MEAL
You should have had the lasagna.
- RUSSIA ENCOURAGES SEX AT WORK
They need the babies.
THE BUZZ
- PET SURVEY - CANCELING PLANS TO STAY HOME WITH YOUR PET
I can't come in to work today because dog.
- KIDS' WEIRD BELIEFS
We were all so dumb once.
- THE WORST THING A PASSENGER DID IN MY CAR
Cut it out or I am stopping this car!
- DUMB HEADLINES
Read 'em, have listeners vote for the dumbest.
- CREEPY THINGS KIDS SAY
Be warned - you're about to enter... The Twilight Zone.
- IT'S HARD TO BE BEAUTIFUL
Man, don't I know it.
NEW MOVIES
- MEGALOPOLIS
Stars Friday, September 30 in theaters.
- LEE
Starts Friday, September 30 in theaters.
- THE WILD ROBOT
Starts Friday, September 30 in theaters.
- TRANSFORMERS ONE
Starts Friday, September 20 in theaters.
- NEVER LET GO
Starts Friday, September 20 in theaters.
- SPEAK NO EVIL
Starts Friday, September 13 in theaters.
- THE KILLER'S GAME
Starts Friday, September 13 in theaters.
- BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
Starts Friday, September 6 in theaters.
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, September 27.
- SCRUDENAU FARMS POPCORN MAZE
Bring melted butter.
- BROUGHT TO YOU BY
Funny fake sponsorship announcements
- A & M AUTOLAND - Free Dinners
With their latest promotion, Al and Mike have bitten off more than they can chew.
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, September 20.
- OKTOBERFEST - THE WAKING SONG
Wake! Wake! The weekend is here!
- SONG - OKTOBERFEST IS HERE
To kick off Oktoberfest.
- PROMOS-TO-GO
Pre-produced, ready-to-use bumper donuts
- A & M AUTOLAND - Stock Numbers
At A & M, you'll almost always get a wrong number.
- HUBERT VAN BOUVIER FOR OFFICE - GREEN
The wacko candidate goes eco.
- BAD ACTORS AMENDMENT
A good bad political ad never goes out of style.
- THE FRIDAY CLUSTERFLICKS
For Friday, September 13.
- BROUGHT TO YOU BY
Funny fake sponsorship announcements
- A & M AUTOLAND - No Reasonable Offer
Big Al gets an offer he can't refuse.
- PSYCHIC OPTOMETRIST
He sees all!
- HUBERT VAN BOUVIER FOR OFFICE - BETTER OFF
Are you better off than you were four years ago?