daily prep       

MORNING SIDEKICK SHOW PREP FOR

THURSDAY, July 17, 2008
all original content (c) 2008 MORNING SIDEKICK

In Today's Prep - SUBWAY. EAT FLESH.
Plus - S&M BARBIE!

Today's TV Audio - No new audio today

Today's Website MP3 Comedy Post - SONG PARODY: "OBAMA MIA"

It's a new week and a new SideFlick at WQBR/Bear 99.9. Check it out on their website at bear999.com. SideFlicks is a great addition to your station's website! Contact Michelle Jasko at 615-673-3450 or email at msjasko@bellsouth.net

CURRENT EVENTS JOKES

CONSUMER PRICES JUMP MOST IN 26 YEARS
* Think of how everything's going to hell as George Bush's Going-Away Present to America.
* Relax, it's all in your mind, you whiners.
* Hey, it's not like you have the gas to go shopping anyway.
* Look at the positive: Soon we won't have to hear old people talking about how bad the Great Depression was.

TABLOID PICTURES OF 62-YEAR-OLD HELEN MIRREN IN A BIKINI LOOKING HOT
* Do you know what that means? She's been hot for over 40 years.
* Gee, just think - Barbara Walters could look that good in a bikini if she'd just do some sit-ups.
* Yuck! Why did I just think of that?
* Uh oh - now Queen Elizabeth wants to do a bikini layout.


CELEBRITIES, FAMOUS PEOPLE, HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP

MORE SECRETS OF MADONNA

More things we're learning from Christopher Ciccone's book, "Life With My Sister Madonna":
- Her ex-husband Sean Penn was "the love of her life". Madonna and actor Sean Penn were married from 1985 to 1989. Christopher says she has never truly got over her split from Sean.
- When asked if he still recognized Madonna as the girl he grew up with, Christopher replied: "Not after the facelift."
* What? She told me I was the love of her life!
* Sean was the love of her life? Thanks for the scoop, Chris. This is only the 400th time I've heard that.
* Maybe Christopher meant Sean was the love of HIS life.

A-ROD THROWS PARTY; NO TEAMMATES SHOW UP

Alex Rodriguez threw an all-star party in New York on Monday. None of his teammates from the New York Yankees showed up. "He's become a huge distraction with the Madonna fiasco," a source told the New York Post. "It's always all about him." That explains why none of his fellow Yankees went to the All-Star bash he hosted Monday night. Instead, his mother and a couple of other friends were by his side in a corner booth at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club as he threw back shots. Reps from Berk Communications, who threw the event, kept insisting Madonna was on her way, but she never showed. Instead, A-Rod was entertained by dancers who shimmied to Material Girl tunes and desperately tried to make eye contact with him.
* PITY PARTY!!!
* I guess he's in that pathetic little stretch where you're really enjoying being single again.
* Worst of all: Madonna was home with Derek Jeter.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S MOLE IS MISSING

Sarah Jessica Parker has apparently had her famous mole removed. Parker has long had a trademark mole on her chin, which has been visible throughout her career. She had it last month at the MTV Movie Awards. But in pictures from Tuesday night's All-Star game, the mole had vanished. No word - if indeed she has had the mole removed, if it was for medical or cosmetic reasons.
* How about publicity reasons?
* Her mole is gone? Why was I not informed of this immediately???!!!
* Do you ever think we're way too obsessed with celebrity body parts?
* I base this on those magazines at the supermarket checkout where you guess whose cellulite is on the cover.

EVA LONGORIA PUTTING ON WEIGHT FOR "HOUSEWIVES"

Eva Longoria says she is not pregnant, insisting her recent weight gain is for her role on "Desperate Housewives". The actress claims her slightly fuller figure is a reflection of changes in the life of her on-screen character Gabrielle Solis, who becomes a mother-of-two in the forthcoming fifth season. According to Longoria's publicist: "She's a worn out mother with two kids. And even the weight gain wasn't enough. She's also wearing butt pads and a stomach pad to play the part."
* Translation: she's got her man - Tony Parker - and it's time to let herself go. Right, ladies?
* Actors do fatten up for a role. I, myself, have been preparing for years to star in the John Goodman Story.
* Looks like they went to widescreen TV just in time.
* Butt pads? Stomach pads? This is so invasive. Especially since all we really want to know is if her breasts are bigger.

LINDSAY LOHAN ON TRACK

Lindsay Lohan's attorney says the star is on track after pleading guilty last year to drunken driving. Lohan's attorney, Blair Berk, gave an update Tuesday on how the actress is complying with her sentence for misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges. Berk told the judge that Lohan is "completely on track with everything." She has complied with the judge's orders, spending 84 minutes in jail, completing community service, and visiting a morgue and an emergency room. The judge seemed satisfied but scheduled another progress report for January. Lohan did not attend Tuesday's hearing.
* Then the judge asked if there would be any more topless Marilyn Monroe-style photo shoots.
* This could be true. If Robert Downey, Jr. can straighten out his life, anyone can.
* Paris Hilton was right. She definitely got screwed.
* Meanwhile some black kid in the hood just got 5 years for doing the same thing.

ANDY DICK ARRESTED

Remember Andy Dick from "NewsRadio" and "Less Than Perfect"? Dick - who has a long history of self-medication, substance abuse and crude and infantile behavior -  was arrested early Wednesday morning in Murrieta, California on suspicion of drug possession and sexual battery. Police responded to a report of a person urinating in the parking lot outside a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant, causing a disturbance. Once there, they stopped a van and found Dick in the passenger seat. He was arrested for allegedly groping a 17-year-old girl's breasts and pulling her top down. When he was searched, cops say they found marijuana and one Xanax in his front pants pocket.
* It's a tough job being a cop. You never know when you'll go to work one day and get shot at - or have to put your hand down Andy Dick's front pants pocket. EEEuuuuuu!!!
* Shocking ... absolutely shocking ... that they only found weed and one Xanax on him.
* There would have been more drugs on him, but he'd already taken them.
* Andy Dick - America's own Amy Winehouse.
* Clearly Andy Dick has been crying out for love for years. Too bad he's so icky.

BEN & JERRY'S MAKES ELTON JOHN ICE CREAM

Ben & Jerry's has made a flavor of ice cream just for Elton John's performance in Vermont. The limited-batch ice cream, called "Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road", is made from chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, butter brickle and white chocolate chunks. It will be available from July 18 to July 25 in the company's Vermont scoop shops, with proceeds going to the Elton John AIDS Foundation.
* Butter Brickle? What year is it in Vermont - 1955?
* They could have gone with Crocodile Rocky Road.
* Other names: The Vanilla Is Back. Philadelphia Freeload.
* "My gift is my ice cream / This cone's for you."

ABBA MEMBER FORGETS THE PAST

ABBA star Bjorn Ulvaeus says he has forgotten much of his time in the pop band because he is suffering from severe memory loss. The songwriter has revealed the condition is now so crippling that he can't even recall any of the highlights from his career including winning the Eurovision song contest in 1974. He says, "It is like I was not even there." Ulvaeus is now seeking professional help for the condition which has robbed him of his memories, and he is also turning to old photographs and video footage in a bid to help jog his memory.
* I though the ulvaeus was that little punching bag that hangs down in the back of your throat?
* It's like when you can't remember that you've been in a bad traffic accident.
* I forget - was he the "B" in ABBA, or was he the other "B"?
* Wait, who's ABBA?
* So the blonde woman has huge issues and now this. Will someone please find me one band that isn't all screwed up?
* Just for fun, tell him he was the guy in Culture Club that Boy George was with.

RON WOOD IN REHAB

Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood has entered rehab for a drinking problem. The announcement followed a series of British newspaper reports that Wood, 61, had been spending time at his Irish home with a young Russian cocktail waitress. The relationship had threatened his 23-year-old marriage to wife Jo.
* Here's how bad it was: Keith Richards told him he needed rehab.
* Maybe the 75th time he tries rehab will be the charm.
* Ronnie, you're 61 now. It may be time to grow up.
* 61? Does he look as good in a swimsuit as Helen Mirren?


ENTERTAINMENT & MEDIA

KATIE HOLMES GUESTING ON "ELI STONE"

Katie Holmes will be doing a cameo on the ABC show "Eli Stone". The actress was seen on the Los Angeles set of the show Tuesday, accompanied by husband Tom Cruise and their two-year-old daughter Suri. The show is about "a thirty-something attorney who begins having larger-than-life visions that compel him to do out-of-the-ordinary things".
* Wow. That doesn't just sound stupid - that sounds NBC stupid.
* Just when you think the Tom-Cruise-over-controlling stories might be bunk, he shadows her around at work.
* Quick: Name the hottest ex-relationship the Eli Stone guy had.
* What? You don't know? And you call yourself a member of this society?
* His name is Jonny Lee Miller and he was married to Angelina Jolie.
* That was way, way back before she went full-on gonzo nutz.

"9 TO 5: THE MUSICAL"

Dolly Parton has written a Broadway musical version of her hit comedy movie "9 to 5". The show will open at New York's Marquis Theater next spring, and will feature the song Parton wrote for the 1980 film, plus new tunes she wrote especially for the show. The plot follows three workers as they take on their sexist boss. One of the characters will be played by The West Wing's Allison Janney.
* They still haven't cast the two people who will play Dolly's breasts.
* "9 to 5" is a nostalgic look back at a time in America when we all just had one job.
* Coming next: "You're The Reason God Made Oklahoma: The Musical."


THE BUZZ

WEDDING TRADITIONS THAT OUGHT TO GO

From Thomas Foley on AskMen.com, here are Wedding Traditions That Should Be Abolished:
- Throwing stuff (rice, birdseed)
- Bachelor party the night before the wedding
- Receiving line
- Prolonged bachelor/bachelorette parties
- Baby ring bearers/flower girls
- Disposable cameras on the tables (the pictures are never very good, and everybody has a digital or cellphone camera now)
- Sand ceremony: the bride and groom each have a container of sand that they pour into an empty vase, symbolizing their unity
- Mashing cake in each other's faces
- Clinking glasses (as a prompt for the newlyweds to kiss. It's not even that funny or cute the first couple of times, and at a wedding with 400 guests it gets downright annoying when the couple can't even eat their dinner or have a conversation without hearing the annoying clink).
* How 'bout "pretending it will last"?
* I don't see "The father of the bride pays for everything" on this list.
* Shots of tequila at the reception followed by making a pass at your new mother-in-law, and yes, that one's personal.
* I'm kidding. It was her making the pass at me.
* Ahh, Mother-in-law jokes. Where does the time go?
* PHONE TOPIC: Would you like to see any of these abolished? What was the biggest waste of money at your wedding?

S&M BARBIE

The Barbie doll is coming out with a new look: Kinky fishnets, motorcycle jacket, black gloves and boots. The Mattel toy company says Black Canary Barbie, out in September, is based on a DC comic superhero of the same name. But at least one group doesn't like the new S&M look. The religious organization Christian Voice said: "A children's doll in sexually suggestive clothing is irresponsible - it's filth."
* Oh yeah? I don't remember them speaking up when "Bratz" came out. Now THOSE are some slutty dolls.
* And where was Christian Voice when DC Comics launched the Black Canary character in a comic book for little boys in the first place?
* Is this one available in "My Size Barbie"?
* Have you seen "My Size Barbie"? It's a Barbie doll about four feet tall. Just right for that Mini Me actor.
* Oh, tell me he doesn't have one.
* It's Black Canary Barbie, plus for a few bucks extra you can upgrade to Bondage Barbie.
* Then it's just a short jump to Crack Slut Barbie.
* My son's G.I. Joe doll is begging me to get him one.
* It's one thing when the Indiana Jones doll has a whip - another when it's Barbie.
* PHONE TOPIC: Would you buy your daughter a Barbie dressed in fishnets and black leather? Is the doll even for children?


U.S. NEWS

WOMAN WAKES UP FROM SURGERY, FINDS TATTOO

A New Jersey woman has sued her orthopedic surgeon after awakening from surgery to find a temporary tattoo below her panty line. Elizabeth Mateo found "a temporary tattoo of a red rose" below her panty line the morning after her surgery for a herniated disc. Her surgeon does not deny he placed a tattoo on Mateo. He says he puts washable marks on patients to improve their spirits as they heal. Mateo is seeking punitive and compensatory damages.
* Well, he certainly improved her lawyer's spirits. That's for sure.
* And below the panty line? That's be another half million for that.
* "Sorry your surgery bill was so high but the doctor spent a half hour drawing tattoos on you."
* Ironically, he could now end up just doing tattoos for a living.
* What do you bet he just uses tattoos to pick up the spirits of female patients who are hot?
* "You came through the surgery just fine, Granny, and have you looked in your panties yet?"

MAN FINDS KNIFE IN SUBWAY SUB

A Queens, New York man is suing the Subway sandwich chain for $1 million after claiming to find a large serrated knife baked into the bread of his 12-inch cold-cut sub. The incident happened on June 27. John Agnesini, 27, said, "After taking a few bites I could tell something didn't taste right. Then I felt something hard on the bottom of the bread. I turned it over and could see the knife baked inside. It's shocking. You see this metal knife. I mean, it's one thing seeing a hair or something," Agnesini said. "If I didn't look at it, could you imagine what would happen? I could've slashed the side of my mouth." He was not badly injured, but became violently ill with "severe stomach issues" for three hours, he recalled. A doctor told him he had the symptoms of food poisoning, which Agnesini attributed to whatever contaminants may have seeped into his food, possibly from the melted plastic handle of the knife. He also said the knife was "filthy."
* What a crybaby. Any germs got killed in the oven.
* "Could you imagine what would happen?" Huh? So now you can sue for HYPOTHETICAL damages?
* "Subway. Eat flesh."
* Next time, order the 6-inch sub. At least you can see the blade sticking out.
* I feel sorry for the people who got their rolls torn open by hand afterwards because the knife was missing.
* Time for a little meeting of the Subway board of directors, wouldn't you say?

NASA SEEKS URINE

Space program contractor Hamilton Sundstrand is seeking urine from workers at the Johnson Space Center in Houston as part of its work on a new space capsule that would eventually take astronauts to the moon. According to an internal company memo leaked to the press, the company needs 8 gallons of urine a day to test the space toilet. Designers of the space capsule have to solve a pressing issue of getting rid of stored urine, said John Lewis, NASA's head of life support systems. "Urine is a mess because urine is full of solids," Lewis said. Those solids clog the venting system for dumping pee, so keeping the waste disposal system clear is "really a challenge," he said. NASA has a long standing tradition of collecting samples from its workers to help design better space toilets because "you can't make fake urine," Lewis said.
* They need 8 gallons of urine a day? Are there any frat houses nearby?
* Oooo, the space toilet. It sounds so futuristic!
* This wasn't the guy who worked on the broken space station toilet, was it?
* It's been 50 years and they haven't perfected peeing in space yet? That's a little scary.
* You can't make fake urine but I've had some cheap beer that came close.


INTERNATIONAL NEWS

WOMAN DEVOTES LIFE TO PARENTS; THEY LEAVE HER OUT OF THE WILL

For 30 years, Christine Gill devoted her life to caring for her parents and helping them run the family farm in Leeds, England. In 30 years, she spent only 30 days total away from her parents. Her mother had health issues and could not be left alone. Gill's husband Andrew did thousands of hours of unpaid farmwork. She devoted her life to her parents on the "clear and unequivocal" understanding that she would eventually inherit the 287-acre farm. But after her father died in 1999, and following her mother's death at 82 in 2006, Dr. Gill discovered to her "immense shock" that the entire $5 million estate had been left to the RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals)- the animal shelter. She says that she was repeatedly assured by her parents that she would one day get the farm. Gill has begun a court battle to challenge her mother's will and claim the inheritance.
* Four words: Get it in writing.
* 30 days off in 30 years? Yeah, I'm really believing that.
* She really didn't want to take that 1 day off a year, but that's the day she helped out at the orphanage.
* I guess "clear and unequivocal" doesn't mean what it used to.
* I'm thinking the RSPCA will do the right thing and just let her have the farm. Okay, maybe not.
* PHONE TOPIC: Have you ever had any inheritance shocks or pleasant surprises from a will?

COUPLE EATS GRAPES, FIND SPIDERS

Ceri and Rose Williams suffered numbness, headaches and high blood pressure after eating grapes they purchased at a supermarket in Cornwall, England. Mr. Williams, 52, and his 45-year-old wife had already started eating the grapes when they noticed that something was moving inside. They found two spiders, one alive and one dead. Mr. Williams also spotted a cotton wool-like substance - which turned out to be the poisonous arachnid's nest. Minutes later, Mr. and Mrs. Williams fell ill and drove to a hospital where doctors told them the fruit they had eaten had been covered in the spider's toxins. Environmental health officers identified the beasts as "false widow spiders", cousin of the famous Black Widow. False widow spiders are venomous and have fangs that can pierce the skin, although the bite is about as bad as a wasp sting.
* Just too lazy to wash their fruit, eh?
* Can they walk up walls and fling spiderweb ropes now?
* This is why I stick to junk food. No insects would want it.
* If you think they're upset now, wait 'till the baby spiders hatch in their intestines.

POLICE RESPOND TO INTRUDER CALL, FIND RABBIT

Mysterious tapping noises late on Tuesday night caused residents in an apartment building in the town of Wetter, Germany to call police, who broke into the empty apartment only to find an albino rabbit amusing himself in his cage. The owners of the apartment were out of town, so neighbors were concerned when they heard thumping noises and alerted the authorities, fearing an intruder. Police said they heard the noises upon arrival, and were particularly alarmed when the enigmatic being behind the door reacted to their verbal inquiries with angry thumping. Police broke into the apartment and found an albino rabbit in a large metal cage who was passing the time by drumming its hind legs against the floor of his cage. Police made sure the animal was safe and tended to him before taking their leave.
* Listen, Germany, if you expect to stay in the Wacky News game, you're going to have to try a little harder than this.
* Still, to be fair, As rabbits go it was pretty scary.
* Later it turned out to be a setup. While the rabbit distracted them, a team of criminals robbed them blind.


TV TONIGHT

MORNING SIDEKICK'S LOOK AT PROGRAMS - BROADCAST, CABLE, SATELLITE AND PREMIUM PACKAGES - ACTUALLY SCHEDULED FOR TONIGHT
"TV TONIGHT" SOUNDER IS HERE:
www.morningsidekick.com/mp3s/tv-tonight.mp3

CBS - "America's Greatest Dog" - America's Got Fleas.

ABC - Movie: "Robots" - A comedy about ... well, I think you can figure out what it's about.

NBC - "Last Comic Standing" - Sorry, the show has been outsourced and will now feature comedians from India.

FOX - "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" - What we should ask next time we choose a president.

HISTORY - "Modern Marvels" - Think you're running out of good ideas? Tonight's show is the history of underwear. Really.

HISTORY - "The Works" - Nice name especially if you're ordering toppings on a hot dog.

FOOD - "Next Food Network Star" - We'll be the judge of that.


ALMANAC

46 days 'til U.S. Labor Day (Sept. 1)

BIRTHDAYS

Mark Burnett (TV producer,   "Survivor", "The Apprentice") ... 48
David Hasselhoff (actor/singer/drinker, "Baywatch", "Knight Rider") ... 56
Terry Butler (bassist with Black Sabbath) ... 59
Camilla Parker-Bowles (UK nobility, wife of Prince Charles) ... 61
Elmer Fudd (cartoon legend created by Warner Brothers) ... 71
Donald Sutherland (actor, "M*A*S*H") ... 73
Phyllis Diller (comedy legend) ... 91

BIRTHDAY QUOTE QUIZ - Ask your listeners "Who said it?" HINT: Today's their birthday!

"Everything I've got in my life, I've had to work for."

(A) Paris Hilton
(B) Nicole Richie
(C) David Hasselhoff

ANSWER: (C) David Hasselhoff

THIS TIME LAST YEAR

Has it really been a year? Here are some topics that were in the news this time last year - Your listeners will be amazed how quickly time flies:
* Earthquakes in Japan damaged a nuclear plant.
* Lindsay Lohan checked out of Promises Malibu Alcohol and Drug Rehab Treatment Facility, and agreed to voluntarily wear an alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet as part of an intensive outpatient program.

HISTORY

1997 - The world's email system crashed for the first time and tens of millions of messages all around the world failed to reach their destinations.
* They included about 5 important messages, and the rest were email discussions about who was the best Star Trek captain.

1989 - America's Stealth Bomber - a revolutionary warplane invisible to radar, made its maiden flight.
* We think.

1955 - Disneyland opened in Anaheim, California.
* And the master plan for global conquest began.

1955 - The town of Arco in Idaho became the first community to get all its light and power from atomic energy.
* If it's so safe, why'd they do it out in the middle of Idaho?

1938 - Pilot Douglas Corrigan got the moniker "Wrong Way Corrigan" when he landed at the Dublin, Ireland airport instead of Los Angeles where he thought he was headed. Corrigan said his 6,000-mile mistake was due to following the wrong end of his compass needle.
* So - he didn't even know the US is only 3,000 miles wide?

1867 - The first US dental school, the Harvard School of Dental Medicine, was established.
* It included classrooms, labs, and a collection of magazines from the 1850s.

1861 - America's first paper money was circulated.
* Gee ... remember when a dollar bill could actually BUY something?

1850 - The Harvard Observatory took the first photograph of a star.
* I think it was Cher.

1821 - Spain ceded Florida to the U.S.
* And then the U.S. ceded Florida to retirees and theme park operators.

MUSIC HISTORY

1987 - The Ozzy Osbourne Band started a 16-week tour of U.S. prisons.

1974 - The Moody Blues opened what they claimed was the first "Quadraphonic" recording studio in the world.

1972 - A bomb exploded under The Rolling Stones' equipment van in Montreal, believed to be the work of French separatists. Angry fans rioted throwing bottles and rocks after 3,000 tickets for the show turned out to be fake.

1968 - The animated film "Yellow Submarine" premiered at The London Pavilion. The Beatles made a cameo appearance in the film but didn't supply their own voices for the characters.

1967 - The Monkees performed at Forest Hills, NY, with opening act Jimi Hendrix.


FACT OR FICTION

Two of these are FACTS, the other is FICTION ... But which one?
At McDonald's restaurants in India, you can buy a "Maharaja Mac" - made with lamb patties.
At McDonald's restaurants in Norway, you can buy a "McLaks" - made with grilled salmon.
At McDonald's restaurants in Alaska, you can buy a "McWhaler" - made with whale blubber. (FICTION)


MORNING SIDEKICK
5523 S. Prince Street
Littleton, CO 80120-1125
USA
morningsidekick@morningsidekick.com
Tel: 303-727-9111